SEARCH & RESCUE
Proof that all roads and search engines eventually lead to the Bionic Woman.
SATURDAY, JUNE 9, 2012
“Asking For A Friend”
One of the things I get to do as a blog writer and web host is view the stats for the Bionic Blonde website. I pretend to know what all these geeky numbers and tracking data hit thingys mean, but I don't understand 98% of it. I just like the section that uses words. Those I understand.
My absolute favorite web stats tracking section is the "Search Keyphrases." It's like opening the newspaper and going straight to the comics section. These are phrases or topics or questions people type into Google or other search engines, and this blog site pops up in their results as having their answer, prompting them to click the BionicBlonde.com link. I wonder how many of these people are thrilled to discover that all roads, and search engines, eventually lead to the Bionic Woman?
First, let me promise you I am NOT making any of these up. And just like whenever I Google stuff like what it means when there is a mysterious rash on my upper lip, I really was of course merely ‘asking for a friend.’ So I am sure all these nice people probably were, too.
From my web stats data, here are some of my favorite actual keyphrase searches that lead people to BionicBlonde.com.
"fembots in las vegas dumb episode"
Hey I am pretty sure I never said this was a dumb episode. In the land of Bionic Blondes, no such thing exists. Now, there are some Bionic Woman episodes and stories that may be better than others. But yes, this site does contain a review of the classic episode Fembots in Las Vegas.
"what would happen if the bionic man and woman had sex"
O fercornsakes, how would I know?! *blushes* Dear Google, I realize that the name ‘Bionic Blonde’ could be subject to misinterpretation, but this site—like the series— is intended for clean family entertainment and tries to stay in at least the PG-13 o-sphere, so please don't send people here hoping to find a blonde Playmate of the Month. Besides, everybody knows that kissing is how you make babies.
"steve austin sings jaime sommers died"
LOL Well Steve sang before she died, and AFTER she died, and then again several times when Jaime "un-died," but to the best of my knowledge, not a single verse in his Ausommers love song contained the lyric "Jaime Sommers died." (Or that song where he vamoosed, either.) But if you're in the market for a great funeral song, we suggest "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead." Lee Majors might even sing it for you.
"i'm so sad that bionic woman was cancelled"
Yeah kid, me too.
"watch the return of the 6 000 000 dollar man bionic woman."
I just love how this person very neatly typed out ALL those zeros for an even 6 million. (Obviously, they do not have a twitter account with character limits.)
"pour yourself a martini and watch the colors go by"
How poetic! Well around here, we pour martinis and watch the Bionic Woman on color TV… close enough?
"world class therapist" see also "world class psychotherapist"
Gosh I hope they weren't like needing an emergency appointment with a REAL therapist, and barely had like 3 seconds at a stop light between road rage confrontations to google a recommendation— only to get BionicBlonde.com. But we do strive to provide therapy through laughter. Does that count? Ask Dr. Sommers
"sears portrait studio incidents"
I grant you, I did suspect Jaime and Steve visited a Sears Portrait Studio once, but I am not sure why Google would classify this as an "incident" and direct them to Bionic Blonde. Although we did see Jaime judo-flip a mob photographer in Long Live the King, so to any Sears photographers out there? Just make sure you get the lighting right on Jaime Sommers the first time—or risk becoming an "incident."
"wife works too much"
Um, husband spends too much time on the internet Googling his gripes? But once upon a time, Steve did Ask Dr. Sommers how to work the microwave.
"blind woman bionic glass"
Hmmmm, I'm going blind just trying to figure this one out. Glass dismissed.
"movie blind woman hostage pizza delivery guy"
Here we are with this blind thing again. Dear Google: WTF? The Bionic Woman was not blind. Although once Oscar arranged for her to go on a blind date with some guy at the Schooner Restaurant (drink!) where Jaime delivered Steve through a window. And once, Jaime ate pizza with Steve in a love story montage, but by all appearances she was dining with him willingly as his date, not as his hostage. Plus, she was also in a few Bionic reunion movies. Jackpot! movie blind woman hostage pizza delivery guy. See? All roads lead to the Bionic Woman.
"dog whimpering at exercise equipment"
Max The Bionic Dog is not only a Google hit, he reacts just like the rest of us whenever we avoid our exercise equipment, too.
"over the hill spy bound" and "jaime handcuffed bionic woman" and "handcuffed together"
Ima pretend I don't know what these people were looking for. And sorry, there will not be any photos available, either.
"bring back bionic woman"
We're doing our best. See ABC? Kids are still traumatized.
"the mad the bionic woman parody"
The few. The proud. The Marines. ? I think they probably got this Mad Magazine page, whether they were looking for it or not.
"i would rather live with a fembot"
I am so glad your search engine sent you to Bionic Blonde, where you would quickly learn that Fembots are mean and dangerous and they weigh a ton and require constant maintenance because their faces keep falling off. Plus, you have to keep a helicopter pilot on call 24/7 just to escape them. Still want to live with a Fembot? Google “world class therapist.”
"fotos de las fembots"
There, now this smart, Spanish-speaking person has the right idea. Just print out Fembot photos and post them on your wall. Much safer than living with them. Here, take this one. ---->
"why are martians so frightening?"
We are more than happy to address these deep questions about the universe with answers like, "How should we know? The Martians were coming to the Bionic Woman series one week, but they arrived in really low budget flying saucers and turned out to be a hoax. But Jaime looked fabulous in her run-like-hell matching orange jacket.” Now, if she had worn her unicorn T-shirt, that might have been more frightening than the Martians.
"the bionic woman ruins shoes"
Yup, and the devil wears Prada. Jaime can't help it when she has to use her nice bionic footwear to stop runaway cars. Give her a brake.
"mad bionic woman"
Do you have any idea how much Prada shoes cost? Of course she's mad.
"did jaime sommers always love steve austin?"
In a word, yes. And to anybody who dares suggest otherwise, google off! (Including you Not!Steve 3.4) Although when Jaime was a girl I think she used to have a pony she loved, too. And a dog named “Puzzles” that lived to be like 11,783 in dog years.
Anyway, If you accidentally stumbled onto the Bionic Blonde from a search engine, welcome! Now, no fair making up questions in future Google searches just to see if you can land on my stats page and make me laugh again. Do you have any idea what the Bionic Woman does to people who cheat?
Asking for a friend.
The Bionic Woman and the character of Jaime Sommers are © Universal Studios. This website is produced by a fan just for fun, and is in no way affiliated with, nor endorsed by, Universal Studios or the cast or crew of this series. No copyright infringement is intended.