EPISODE REVIEW 3X05

October 15, 1977

Dear Diary,

Mood Ring Color: Yellow (strained)

I missed the Bionic Woman again tonight. I think I am losing my will to live. I bet it was much better than the Fembot one last week.  For halloween this year, I am going to dress up as Jaime Sommers. I'll see if my mom will sew me a black jumpsuit like the one in the first Fembot episode. I think Jaime looks really nice when she wears black.

Oct. 8, 2011

Dear Bionic Blondes,

Once again, I found myself watching a Bionic Woman episode for the very first time. This week, Jaime goes undercover to keep some rodeo moonlighting OSI mathematician from clunking his head again and forgetting how to add up numbers that have something to do with Max's bionics. (Sorry, my mind kept wandering in this one.) Oy, not a very good episode. I think I am losing my will to live again. I can't even bear to go back and watch this episode again to pull some quotes, so I'll skip that this time and try to go from memory.  (Cue Jaime's Flashback/Migraine Expression)

It opens with some lovely stock clips of Washington DC, the Capitol, White House, etc. Which these days unfortunately is just a painful reminder of the place that never gets anything done. It's all downhill from there, but bless Jaime for at least attempting to earn her taxpayer salary this week, while trying not to step in horse manure.

Right Here In River City: So Jaime plays pool with some bad guys and breaks some balls. 

(I just wanted to see that in print.)

The Apple Dumpling Gang: This time we had not one, but two sets of very one-dimensional, cartoon-caliber bad guys. According to my calculations (where's a math geek when you need one?), they had to hire four actors for this. Couldn't they have just written one really good, multi-dimensional bad guy to go after the secret formula / threaten Jaime's life, and used the rest of the actors budget to rent some decent rodeo stock footage that didn't look like grandpa's 8mm home movies that got run over by the vacuum cleaner? Anyway, I did like the scene early in the episode where Jaime verbally mocked the snickering rodeo bad guys when they tried to lock her in the stall with the horse.

Speaking of Stock Footage: I found these actual rodeo clips very disturbing to watch. (Heavens, but this is awfully violent treatment of livestock for the simple purpose of winning a contest. Where's the part where they ask the bull if he would like to participate in this human sport?)  Anyway, as I was covering my eyes during these scenes that were upsetting for me to watch even as a grownup, I realized it just didn't fit with a TV series that tried so hard to treat violence on a softball level. "Kids, this week Jaime is not going to hit anybody, but we ARE going to ram some poor calf's head into the dirt and break its neck. Back after these messages!"

Well, As Long As I Didn't Meet It, I Guess I Can Eat It: At the restaurant, Jaime learns that the beef on the menu is often the end of the line for the rodeo bulls she just saw tormented next door, has a near-tearful moment of vegan-style sadness about this shocking revelation, then proceeds to give the waitress her order for a thick, juicy steak and baked potato with lots of butter. I'm not sure how I feel about the mixed message in this scene, either. I'll have to get back to you.

Mrs. Doubtfire-Crankypants: Whatever you do, NEVER wear hard soled cowboy boots in Rudy's lab. He just spent all day waxing the floors. He'll get after you with his sponge mop and strict lab rules about embarrassing static cling or something or other. (Sorry, my mind had wandered again.) Anyway, it was only a brief, uptight housekeeper breakdown moment for Rudy, then he immediately went back to lovin' on Max like a sweet guy. I'm worried about him. 

There's An App for That: O, fer cornsakes, I can see I'm going to have to start numbering them now.  This week we meet Not!Steve 3.2, the Math Cowboy. (3rd season, 2nd love interest) Not to be confused with Jaime's last fling with Not!Steve 3.1, the Doodling Ranger. She seems to have an affinity for these "down to earth" guys this season. Hurled at the TV in protest:  3 fistfuls of popcorn, my Pottery Barn catalog, plus a Milk-Bone dog biscuit just for Max, since he has to work with this guy. Jaime, darlin'… only flirt with Air Force Colonel astronaut / agents with whom you can share long walks on the beach, similar intellectual interests and, if necessary, spare parts. Please, PLEASE try harder to remember him!!  This handsome fella even has his own television series on ABC. 

Western Wear: Although I’m not a big fan of Jaime in hats, I liked her in a cowboy hat in this episode. Maybe it was because everybody was wearing one in this rodeo setting, so she fit in nicely. Or maybe it's because I personally live in the same zip code with a lot of country music stars, so I am accustomed to seeing these EXACT same western outfits three decades later.  Unfortunately, no black wardrobe choices this week, but 10 points for the black scarf. I loved that Jaime went against rodeo protocol and wore Levi® brand jeans rather than Wrangler®. (So now we find out she's a Gap girl! )  The boots were nice, too, and great for kicking as-- I mean hay bales.

Return of the Tranquilizer Darts: Nice to see the prop department got some additional use out of these leftovers from shooting Max a few weeks ago. Naturally, the bad guys seemed to know which one was Jaime's real arm when they stuck her with it. Otherwise, we could have ended this episode a lot sooner while they lassoed up all the villains like they do on Saturday morning cartoons. (Oh dear, unless I got my Rodeo flashbacks mixed up with a Bugs Bunny episode, I believe they actually did stoop to this.)

Ram Tough: C'mon, poor Jaime had to sleep in the back of a truck again? (She also did this in The Bionic Dog a couple weeks ago.)  Oscar, give this woman a decent expense account so she can rent a civilized hotel room. Someday, she's going to need a sleep number bed to recover from this.

Oh No, Not Colorado!!!!  This handy little OSI Complex in Colorado seems to be the writer's convenient dumping ground for dead-end characters and story lines. Isn't this the same facility they shipped Jaime off to after they brought her back to life for all the little traumatized children? "There, happy now? She's alive again, but she's going into cold storage in Colorado permanently... or until Ms. Wagner agrees to sign a spinoff series deal." Anyway, at least they saved taxpayer money this time by sending this Urban Cowboy AND Max, the-we-failed-another-pilot-attempt bionic dog on the same flight. Because we certainly can't have Jaime running into them every time she visits Oscar and Rudy in Washington for her mission assignments. That would be awkward. Dump them in Colorado, asap!

The Happy Ending: Sure, it was a lovely parting gift from Not!Steve 3.2, but what's the Bionic Woman going to do with his silver belt buckle rodeo award? I suppose she could bend it into something more useful like a hair barrette, but I have a feeling this silver thing SO got mailed into one of those Cash for Gold and Precious Metals outfits a few years later, where it got melted down into a nice little check in the mail… that Jaime spent on a shopping spree at the Gap.