EPISODE REVIEW 3X07

Nov. 5, 1977

Dear Diary,

Mood Ring: Black

I couldn't watch the Bionic Woman again tonight. Gosh how I miss this show! My new favorite song is "You Light Up My Life" by Debby Boone. I play this record over and over and always think of Jaime and Steve when I hear it. It's the BEST song in the world!!!!!!!

Oct. 14, 2011

Dear Bionic Blondes,

Have you ever been afraid to watch something simply because of the title? The Exorcist. I Dismember Mama. Motorcycle Boogie? I was really dreading this one, but I finally put in the DVD and hit play. This turned out to be another episode I was watching for the very first time over three decades after it aired.

And They're Off: Jaime didn't waste any time showing up for her show this week. We saw her almost right away in hot pursuit of some guy who had a computer data tape the OSI sent her to retrieve. Racing down the German street backlots at Universal. After her shopping spree last week in African Connection, I was really looking forward to the fashion reviews this week. I even had my calculator handy so I could add up all the outfits she would be changing into. 

Und, achte meine guta! For a minute there she looked like Elly May Clampett in those rolled-up blue jeans. Or were they supposed to be lederhosen? Sporting black leather Go-Go boots. Oh lordy, things are not off to a good start tonight. The red pinstripe blouse was nice, though. Then Jaime bumps into the then-famous and highly recognizable Evel Knievel (because why else would they stunt-cast him?) on his way to a safety benefit and hitches a rescue ride, unaware of who he is:

"I needen helpen, ya?"

Ohnoshedidnt: Jaime speaks French beautifully, but sadly German is not her strong suit, and it's butchered and often mocked here by everyone in this episode for the sake of light comedy. Now I know why all my bionic YouTube videos are being blocked in Germany.

Actually, there seemed to be a lot of Jaime's character integrity compromised for the sake of comedy this week. But except for the stints and remarks where she just looked plain, shall we say, “intellectually challenged” ? (such as refusing to believe this man was Evel Knievel and the silly "who do you think you are, James Bond?" banter), I have to admit I was enjoying myself a lot watching Jaime have a little reckless teenager fun in some of the scenes.

What Is Your Least Favorite Word?:  I must have missed it when Evel Knievel was invited to appear on "Inside the Actors Studio." Oy, he was downright painful to watch at times attempting to deliver his lines. And these were the good takes.

Identity Theft: While in this moving van/truck, Jaime also lifts a wallet from a man's jacket, kindly leaves him his German Marks/cash, then cheerfully absconds with the rest of his life. His identity, ATM card, credit cards, Blockbuster membership, and his cherished and only photo he had of his brother who died in the war.

How Do You Say Cute in German?: That scene of Jaime riding on the back of the motorcycle casually chomping on a carrot was a major ROFL moment for me. Followed by her bubbly flirtation with the checkpoint guard to distract him from scrutinizing their stolen I.D.  And then right before he waved them through, she smiled and handed him... the gift of sausage. I couldn’t stop laughing. Danke schön, Lindsay, this scene was hysterical. (She really has impeccable comic timing.)

More What's Up Doc: Oscar had the week off busy with Is!Steve again, so Rudy had to drop all his important science research projects to fill in as microphone dispatch. He was the secret "Doc" to "Snow White," and advised her on mission strategies and world atlas coordinates, because this man knows how to do everything. As usual, Jaime was ignoring orders from her superiors. Later, she started banging her transmitter thingy while Rudy was talking and pretended not to hear him. LOL, she was such a rebellious teenager in this episode. Natch, Rudy got mad again. Jaime knows how to push all his Dr. Crankypants buttons.

I'm Ready For My Closeup Now: Jaime faced off with a German guard in the hall and needed to disarm him, does this smooth hair flip (a la Cameron Diaz in the Charlie's Angels movie) to distract the guard and grab his gun, then delights us fashion watchers by crushing the weapon right next to her side pocket, necessitating a camera close-up on said pocket and the stitching detail of her lederhosen jeans. Then Jaime dropped the gun on the floor right next to her black leather Go-Go boot, offering us fashion closeup #2. It was like cutting to an Old Navy commercial. However, I am not sure why Jaime tapped her foot three times after that. She either wanted to go back to Kansas, or perhaps Ms. Wagner was just impatient to move on to the next scene and get this episode over with.

As you can probably tell, by now this has all headed in the direction of sauerkraut for me, so the distraction provided by her lederhosen jeans and boots means they have now become my new favorite characters in the story. I think I might like them after all. Even though I bet after a week of shooting (and running), these boots were killing her feet.

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road: What was up with that German computer geek in the white lab coat who looked like Elton John? Anyway, he fainted when he saw Jaime coming. I don't know why, he just did. I think his extreme phobia of Bionic Blondes should be noted in his personnel file.

Apocalypse Now: I swear the producers rent a helicopter for every episode. Are they earning frequent flyer miles? This week it was a German military copter in candy apple red (I dunno, makes for good camouflage in fields of red tulips?). As it was chasing them down racing for the border, every time it shot at Jaime and Knievel’s motorcycle, it would cut away to what looked like Vietnam war stock footage from inside the copter firing deadly little missiles. I think I even saw rice paddy fields. Right there on the German, er... California countryside.

Like, Duh: At the end when Knievel successfully jumped the fence on his motorcycle and escaped the bad guys with Jaime riding on the back, she finally got that he really WAS who he claimed to be. Whatever. I hope we don't have to see Jaime written this ditzy again. I also detected a slight drop in Ms. Wagner’s enthusiasm/performance/focus/ah hell, let’s be honest, she seemed to just calling it in by now—as compared to her earlier scenes. And who could blame her, let’s get this liverwurst wrapped.

Better Late than Never: At last, wardrobe shows up on the set for the final scene to give Jaime something new to change into. It was a pretty, lavender skirt and a long, chenille-looking blouse. Knievel got to do his motorcycle safety benefit. They rode away in some big white Cadillac-looking car that probably got confiscated at the end of the block for exceeding European air pollution standards. Happy endings for all.

Bye-Bye Boogie Man: Overall, not a re-windable episode in my book, but if I had to choose between this one and Rodeo, I'd ride the motorcycle again. Simply for the guilty pleasure of watching Jaime get to do some great, breezy comedy.

Jaime: "Keep on macht schnell-ing!"

Unfortunately, it may be too late to outrun this one, Jaime. In an uncanny coincidence to another famous motorcycle stunt that killed a TV show, did this series just officially 'Jump the Shark?'

Footnote: On The Bionic Woman Season 3 DVD extra “Q&A with Lindsay Wagner,” she mentions this episode and working with Evel Knievel, whom she very politely described as “something else.”  In one scene, according to Ms. Wagner, Knievel was supposed to have stopped his motorcycle after a few feet when the director yelled “cut” and let Lindsay off so that her stunt double could switch places with her—before Knievel continued up a dangerous canyon racing like a daredevil. She said she was literally screaming and pounding on his back pleading for him to stop, but he just laughed and kept on going. (Her crew was not amused, either.) She admitted she was so shaken by this terrifying ride she broke down and cried in her trailer afterwards. Ms. Wagner eluded to the fact there were other incidents, too... so you get the sense they were all very happy for this episode to wrap and relieved she even managed to survive working with this guest star.