EPISODE REVIEW 3X14

Jan. 21, 1978

Dear Diary,

Mood Ring: Yellow (strained)

I was too sick tonight to watch the Bionic Woman. I guess I must have had some bad Pepsi and fish sticks. My tummy hurts. I can’t believe I missed my favorite show again!  I would have to say my young life is progressively sucking so far. But I do hope this bug lasts for at least 24 continuous hours so I don’t have to go to school on Monday.

January 4, 2011

Dear Bionic Blondes,

Mood Ring: Green

The dizzying fairy dust from last week’s The Pyramid has finally worn off, so I was anxious to sit down and watch the Bionic Woman save the world again in an all-new episode. Unfortunately this time—the Bionic Woman was the one who had to be saved. Sniff.

I Can’t Remember Where I Parked My Car:  Jaime's brand new Mercedes Benz 450SL she got last week has apparently been repossessed, or perhaps it's merely in the shop for an oil change. This week she was driving an old banana yellow Ford Torino. Which is code for we plan to total this car in an upcoming scene.

The Return of Cagney and Lacy:  Callahan is back! (And BTW I think she looks nice dressed in black, too.) Tonight she and Jaime attend some embassy party so Jaime can pick up a top secret letter for Oscar from a Russian guy, handed over to her in a party-inconspicuous envelope labeled: "Top Secret Confidential.” Jaime is wearing a lovely tan slack ensemble and white leather boots. While there, Jaime scarfed down some poisoned champagne and caviar, offered by phony cocktail servants intent on thwarting world peace. But Callahan was conveniently on a diet and passed on receiving her communion.

Is Your Progressive Car Insurance Paid Up? So the girls were on their way home from this party, discussing how all this secret Middle East terrorist talk stuff is just too heavy for a couple of insignificant blondes like them, and Jaime started getting blurry vision while driving and couldn't see a darned thing. But rather than pull over to let the sober designated driver take the wheel, she decided to continue on until she could plow this old Ford heap into an oncoming van and get her Mercedes back. When they came to a stop, Jaime bionically kicked them out of the trapped car, but then collapsed on the pavement with severe stomach pains. Emergency!! 

Budapest Called. They Need You NOW: Jaime’s new Steve lookalike boyfriend, Hissss, I mean Chris (I still can't decide what to call him, except to remain snarky on the matter, even though I have to admit that since he wept real tears tonight at the thought of losing Jaime, his intentions appear honorable, and therefore it is becoming harder for me to dislike him.) Anyway, a.k.a. Not!Steve 3.4 races to the hospital, and don’t think i didn’t notice he’s got him a nice Mercedes-Benz 280 sedan. Hurled at the TV in protest: 2 lab beakers, a bunsen burner, a boring chemistry manual and some MilkBone dog treats for Max, who had to stay behind in the car.

Organic Pharming: It just so happened the doc on call at the hospital was familiar with bionics, plus some assistant of Rudy’s named Sarah was there, and they immediately teamed up and determined Jaime had been poisoned by something in the "organic chloride grouping." I would have followed all leads to the Whole Foods™ brand toothpaste aisle, but whatever. Unfortunately they can't find Dr. Rudy Wells, who is currently enjoying his vacation in seclusion at an OSI weapons test facility in Georgia (this guy really needs a new travel agent). And then they forcefully babbled more long chemical names that hurt my head.  Bottom line? They cannot yet determine the exact substance, and therefore cannot prescribe an antidote to save her. But they could say with complete confidence the Bionic Woman has definitely fallen victim to a "progressive" type poison, which is code for slowly deteriorating at least until the last commercial, so don't touch that dial!  Alas our poor Jaime is dying.  Callahan bursts into progressive tears. NOOOOOOO!

Later the bad guy phones the hospital and tells Callahan that Jaime only has 20 commercials, I mean hours to live, unless she reveals to them Oscar’s location at the secret summit talks. (Only Jaime knows where Oscar is hiding) Turns out the Russian guy at the party was also poisoned, but met his death progressively sooner. His final words were not for his wife and family back in Moscow, but instead, a very special message to pass along to Ms. Sommers—about being loyal right until the end. (Jaime has that effect on strangers.) But it was advice she would heed, when she bravely rejected the bad guys’ antidote offer that would save her life so that she could protect Oscar’s. Sigh, Jaime is just so progressively heroic.

Go Max! Naturally we all know only Rudy can truly save Jaime, so Not!Steve hails a jet with Max to the OSI test facility in Georgia, but gets rejected for security clearance despite having 2 official cardboard badges—one for CIA and one for OSI—so he commands Max to take off on his own to  go locate Rudy, who is hiking in a vacation wilderness that is riddled with erupting land mines and laser weapons from Doomsday. (Seriously Rudy, consider a Carnival cruise next time).

I must say Max was awesome dodging all these explosions... I am amazed they could find a stunt dog to do this, as I can’t even get my dogs to come out from under the bed when it’s thundering in the next state. Of course our canine hero successfully sniffs down Rudy, who finds the extremely ambiguous message that Chris stuffed under Max’s collar. Awfully brief, despite the fact there was plenty of space on this paper to elaborate a little so that Rudy might at least have some time to prepare a life saving treatment for Jaime. Perhaps he was afraid his pencil would run out of ink.  ------>

Go Max! Part 2: They all race back to the hospital to Jaime, but since she is beginning to blurr-i-ly recognize the attending nurse as the same b-tch who poisoned her, the bad guys planted some ultrasonic sound device nearby to mess up her bionic hearing and speed up her heart rate, thereby accelerating her progressive death more progressively. But haha, Max found the device and crushed it, and then he cornered the bad guys in the parking garage, who had the original poison vile on them that was thankfully labeled with the exact chemical compound that Rudy needed to develop the antidote to save Jaime’s life... all in the nick of time. (Quite obviously Chris was not in charge of labeling this poison bottle, or it would have simply said something like “stuff that will make Jaime die.”)

From Antidote to Anecdote: At the end, as Jaime nuzzled a pretty purple Iris, she smiled and gave us all a reminder about appreciating how precious life is, having been teetering on the edge like that. Don’t you just love happy endings?  Although...

I guess that whole thing about losing your limbs in a skydiving accident... or that time you were quite clinically—and not only merely dead, but really most sincerely dead when you rejected your bionics?  Totally unfazed you. Not to mention that time... oh, never mind. Being progressively poisoned is like totally different. THIS is when you should appreciate life again.

Final Tally: Mood Ring Green.  Eh, this was an okay episode. A familiar antidote suspense story that’s kinda been done a hundred times on TV shows, but the main actors gave good performances, and Max proved that maybe that silly idea about a Bionic Dog series may not have been too far fetched after all. (pun totally intended)

Jaime: “Tomorrow. What a beautiful word that is. I never realized that before. Here’s to tomorrow.”

Oh Jaime be careful what you wish for. Wait till you see what’s on tomorrow’s agenda first, because rumor has it The Martians Are Coming...

January 2014: Edited to add another note interpretation because if Chris is going to be THIS vague, it’s fair game. Amiright?

Not!Steve Rule #1: Never leave enough white space for the Bionic Blonde to complete your sentence.