EPISODE REVIEW 3X18

Feb. 25, 1978

Dear Diary,

Mood Ring: Yellow (strained)

Darn it! I missed the Bionic Woman again tonight. I guess I will just hug my little teddy bear and try to remember what Jaime looks like. Which is nothing like Callahan. No dummy would ever get those 2 mixed up. Well, off to kiss my stuffed animals good night!

911 Operator: Emergency 911, can I help you?

Man's voice: Help! I've been hit by a teddy bear!!!

911 Operator: Excuse me, sir. Did you say “teddy bear?'”

Man's voice: Yes!  Some b*tch just threw a teddy bear at me and knocked me out of a sky lift.

911 Operator: Sir, this is not the Toys-R-Us service desk…we don't have time for your practical jokes.  <click>

Feb. 1, 2012

Dear Bionic Blondes,

Mood Ring: Blue

After several weeks of some disappointing missions, tonight The Bionic Woman decided we have all earned a field trip to “Funland.” Woo Hoo! Which unfortunately turned out to be an empty, closed-for-the-season amusement park occupied by a gang of kidnappers, who formed a long line at the Dumbo ride.

Bless their little intellectually challenged hearts. These bad guys can't help it they missed their first day at The Patty Hearst School of Kidnapping, where they teach you to always start with a photograph of your intended target first. If the internet hasn't been invented yet to Google the world-famous tennis pro Jaime Sommers, I suggest you check back issues of Sports Illustrated.

The Bionic Woman was 5 minutes late tonight for her show, a slight improvement in her record of late. Once again, we find Jaime hanging out at home. She is dressed in a lavender sweatshirt with matching bell bottom jeans, and is playing tug-o-slipper with Max, who cutely ripped it with his bionic jaw. (Who could have predicted that?) When Jaime heard a car horn honk outside, she punted Max her other slipper and he raced it to closet and gently placed it on the floor next to her other shoes. (Nice to have a dog trained as a wardrobe assistant, too.)

Surprise! It was an unannounced visit from Callahan and Oscar, Jr., (aka Mark Russell) who have flown all the way from DC to California on the off-chance Jaime might be home. (Don't these people own a telephone?) But since Jaime’s apartment happened to be tidy this evening, and well—at least they had the decency to honk—she doesn't consider this party-crashing behavior rude. Although she did have to hurriedly gather up the messy pile of newspapers on her couch and dump them on her coffee table. Whew!

Jaime is thrilled to see them, and suggests she and Callahan go have some fun at Malibu Beach tomorrow. But no can do, says Oscar, Jr.  Callahan is here to Max-sit and Jaime has to go to their OSI LA bureau (spinoff to the popular show OSI DC)…  to meet with big Oscar about an emergency mission in "The Orient."

'scuse me? Jaime only has like 2 minutes to pack! I am totally stressed out by this. But from what we learned in African Connection, I am certain she managed to smash at least 25 outfit changes into her suitcase, because indeed, the "Orient" is a very big place. She would need a wide selection of clothing to prepare her for either subzero Mongolia or the tropical Philippines. (Don’t these people own an atlas either?)

Jaime's response to his orders is, "Just like that!?" and snaps her bionic fingers, which is so loud it nearly caused her guests’ ears to bleed. Except Max, who comes bouncing over to his bionic master because this is one of his come-hither commands. (There's a reason for this demonstration later. Patience my little Blondettes)

Obediently, Jaime packs one little red suitcase for all of The Orient and throws on a really nice long cable knit sweater. She gives Callahan a few Cesar Millan Dog Whispering pointers on how to be a pack leader with Max, tosses her the car keys in case she needs "wheels" and is out the door with Oscar, Jr. Sniff. Jaime come baaaaccccck!

Buy Generic: The next day Callahan drives Jaime's sporty blue "hatchback"® to the unnamed Ojai "shopping center"® because the "bionic woman"® has apparently run out of "nameless brand coffee"® for her uninvited house guest. Personally, I find the absence of paid product placement in these old shows very entertaining, as they attempt to erase any trace of branding in props or shooting locations. As a result, tonight we learn from the kidnappers there is apparently only one shopping center in all of Ojai, where they are willing to sit all day in the parking lot in the off chance Jaime needs to make a Starbucks run.

Poor Callahan, the I.Q. Flu-infected kidnappers assume anybody driving Jaime’s generic car is the Bionic Woman®, and sleepy-dart her in the parking lot. They carry Callahan off, telling bystanders they're taking her to the local hospital®, leaving Max sitting in the hot car with the windows rolled up. Not to worry, our canine cyborg easily busted out the back hatch, lowered his nose to the asphalt and amazingly followed their tire tracks all the way to the amusement park where Callahan was taken.

Show Me The Money! Riddle me this. In 3 of the last 5 episodes, the writers have gone out of their way to reveal the bad guys' motive is bundles of cash, and they want to make it a point to film it for us, always neatly stacked in a brief case. (On Twitter, they would call this "trending.")  Gone are the days of just saying you are going to get paid a million dollars to commit your crime. Viewers will never buy that unless they can see all one million of them.

What Time Is Orient Orientation?: The next day we find Jaime "fit to be tied," as they say here in the south, storming into the LA OSI office demanding to see Oscar. Today she is wearing a mauve blouse with a long, dark blue sweater, mauve slacks and (choke!) white leather boots. After Labor Day!!  Well, I suppose technically they were "ivory" in color… and besides, this is what she was forced to blazingly pack for the Orient—a predominantly non-unionized part of the globe that does not celebrate a Labor Day, therefore this would not be considered a fashion infraction, right?

Jaime has been put up in a hotel room with promises of a briefing on her Orient mission, but is being rudely ignored by Oscar. At last!  The insulting behavior of her employers has triggered her temper. (I'd be willing to bet Jaime has maybe 3 more episodes of patience before she hauls off and quits this place for good.) We soon learn the real reason Oscar has sequestered Jaime is because they have come across some intelligence (ironic, isn’t it?) of a kidnapping plot, but he doesn't want Jaime to know she's in danger.

Meanwhile, Back At The Amusement Park: Poor Callahan wakes up chained to a chair, and then Max is tranquilized and captured, too. When they carry his lifeless body into a holding pen, Callahan cries, "Picking on animals and women... you creep!"  Later she would want to revise that to "Seriously, are you guys REALLY this stupid?” when she discovers they think she is Jaime, but Callahan is heartwarmingly protective of her friend and elects not to correct their mistake. At one point Max awakes and helps break her chains, but when the bad guys thwart her escape (Max gets away), Callahan attempts to fight them off with a hoe. I’ll dispense with the usual puns on this one, and admit that it did make me laugh.

The men discover their error when their crime boss belatedly informs them, by the way, Jaime is 5'8" and (mumble) pounds… Yes, I am still protecting that sisterhood oath and reminding our television writers out there that women are not to be described like football players. Hey here’s an idea. Let’s open Callahan's purse and look for clues... like a drivers license and a photo of Callahan and Jaime that is lovingly autographed for crooks who can read: "Friends, Love Jaime." 

Meanwhile, Friends, Love Jaime is pacing the OSI office again, still in a huff, while she waits in the reception area for an appointment to yell at Oscar. I found it quite amusing that the entire staff here, apparently affected by the very same I.Q. Flu, has suddenly forgotten about Jaime’s bionic ear and she can easily overhear everything they are saying about her in the next room, including the news Callahan has been kidnapped. She’s outta there in a bionic flash.

Back After These Messages: This episode would be Jennifer Darling’s last appearance as Peggy Callahan on The Bionic Woman. I just wanted to say how much I have adored her in this series, and wish the producers had incorporated her non-Fembot talents more often. How nice would it have been to have Callahan as a series regular like Oscar and Rudy? For me, Jaime and Callahan’s “girlfriend talks” and unlikely mission partnerships were a refreshing change to the usual mens club of fighting crime. This feminine relationship dynamic, enhanced by two actresses who worked great together on screen, gave us the rare opportunity to see a different side of Jaime. Sigh. Farewell my little pixie friend. We’ll always have Brain Wash.

Snap out of it! When Jaime learns Max is somewhere in the amusement park, she bionically snaps her fingers to beckon him...loudly. He arrives on cue and bites their handcuffs free. They all prepare to flee, but not before Jaime experiences some I.Q. Flu symptoms, too and forgets there's an armed guard outside the door, so in their blonde script trade negotiations, Callahan gets to educate Jaime on that pointer this time. Even.

Concerned for her friend’s welfare, Jaime's first order of business was to ask Callahan to “take Max and go,” while she—as a trained agent—hunts down the bad guys in the park. Then in a stark contrast in OSI civilian safety procedures, Oscar, who has just arrived at Funland with an army of police, bumps into Callahan while she is exiting the Park and insists she follow him, thusly dragging his poor secretary back into the line of fire. Poor Callahan. Now go fetch the boss some coffee®.

Oh Yeah? Jaime Has The Right To Bear Arms, Too: Jaime nabs one of the bad guys outside the "Penny Pitch" booth and burrito wraps him with a chain link fence. (She’s been doing that a lot this season.) Max heroically rounds up two more of the bad guys, leaving the remaining crook in the sky lift ride with a rifle, aiming to shoot them all from above. Jaime thinks quick and grabs a teddy bear out of the booth, and like a scud missile (no, really) hurls it a mile into the sky in the most amazing stunt ever performed in the history of television—and with her perfect tennis pro aim—nails the sniper with this stuffed teddy bear and knocks him out of the sky lift.

Oh. My. God.

Angry Birds Score: 50,000 points for that one, Sistah Sommers.

Violent-Free, Pond Splash Landing for the Bad Guy So They Don’t Have To Scoop Up His Remains With A Shovel: Extra 25,000 points

Mood Ring: Currently, there is no color. It has been completely drained in awe.

Allright-y then. Certainly one of the more incredible endings for The Bionic Woman I have ever witnessed. But nevertheless, a positive one, and I just love happy endings, so I must love this, too. Right?

Oy, I hope I’m not coming down with this I.Q. Flu, too.

UP NEXT: The Bionic Woman’s Soft Approach To Violence. Just when you thought it was safe to be a Teddy Bear...

Footnote: Jennifer Darling made several appearances as Callahan in some of the earlier seasons of The Six Million Dollar Man, too—episodes I have not yet had an opportunity to watch—so I am looking forward to going back in DVD time and bumping into her again soon. After The Bionic Woman, Darling went on to appear in shows like Eight is Enough, Dharma & Greg, and Mad About You (yeah, with Princess Mini-Me and everything) and more recently, has been lending her distinctively golden voice to some animated features, including a few of my favorite Pixar movies.