Bionic Ever After

bionic blonde

REUNION MOVIE REVIEW 1994

November 29, 1994

Dear Diary,

Mood Ring: Still missing.

Hooray—there was another Bionic reunion movie tonight, and this time Jaime and Steve FINALLY got married! It was so nice to see them wrap this up for fans like me who got hooked from the very beginning on this beautiful little love story, but felt a little disappointed they let it fall by the wayside over the years.

In other news I’m thinking about getting a computer and signing up for something called the “internet” and AOL. I hear these 3200 baud dial up phone modems are really fast! I am sure it won’t be addictive at all. I am sure it won’t be addictive at all. I am sure it won’t be addictive at all.

It all began on an episode of The Six Million Dollar Man in the year Nineteen Seventy Five...

But then the evil network witch cursed them,

killed Jaime, broke Steve's heart, brought her back to life but killed her memories,
then banished Jaime to NBC and forbade castle crossovers. Unsatisfied with the
audience torture, the evil witch then cancelled both bionic kingdoms.
But nineteen years later, the cruel spell was finally lifted!
Boys & Girls, tonight—at last— we bring you the fairy tale conclusion of

April 8, 2012

Dear Bionic Blondes,

Mood Ring: Royal Purple

Dance With The One What Brung Ya: Seems like any time they attempted to forcefully spinoff the bionic franchise with new pilots and bionic characters the results were dim, so this time producers wisely returned to their bionic roots and focused on just Steve Austin and Jaime Sommers again. And duh... out comes a pretty good movie! Action, romance,

drama, romance, oops I said that already. Ah well, I’m a sucker for a good, classic love story with a happy ending. (This is why Jane Austen is the richest dead person still alive although dead today.)

And hey, a reunion movie title of reasonable length this time: "Bionic Ever After?" Only 3 words that I can actually fit into a tweet! However, I refuse to participate in the official question mark punctuation designed to scare audiences, so that's the last time you will ever see me use that. This one aired in 1994 on CBS, five years after Bionic Showdown, where we last saw Jaime and Steve getting engaged. Tonight, we are never give

n an explanation why they had such a LONG engagement, despite having known each other since childhood, so I will assume a series of delay scenarios, with possible reason #1: Jaime just had trouble finding a wedding dress she liked.

Paging Dr. Sommers: The Bionic Woman was only 90 seconds late for her reunion movie tonight. I cannot express how proud I am of her! *air kiss* This time she has a cute little one-story colonial house (presumably) in the DC suburbs, that she also uses to book patients as a “Family Counselor” with a Ph. D. and a full time secretary. Today she is helping Kimber-btch, I mean Kimberly Harmon, who is all like weepy and depressed about the pressures of her work as an OSI agent. While Jaime is politely pretending to care, I’m sure she’s actually thinking to herself “Puhleeze, don’t EVEN. Spend a little Doomsday afternoon with Alex7000 trying to prevent nuclear annihilation and then get back to ME about job stress, sistah.”

Kimber-btch (the plot will ‘splain later why the Bionic Blonde has re-named her) leaves her therapy session and Oscar emerges from hiding in Jaime’s reception area, wanting to know if his agent is planning to quit. Jaime’s all “that’s privileged doctor-patient information” stuff and admits his employee is not doing well. Oscar asks Jaime if she would be interested in coming out of retirement and taking a Middle East assignment, and she replies “Not a chance. I’m getting married in 3 days, you know that.” Oscar agrees to give Kimber-btch some time off, and then can’t resist sneaking in a little line to scare viewers who know he has always harbored a secret crush on Jaime. “See you at

the altar!” Noooooooo! Oh wait. Whew. Haha, and Ima tell Steve you love his girlfriend.

Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend: Okay quick, everybody put on your sunglasses and look at this rock on Jaime's finger! I'm guesstimating at least a 4 karat diamond. Good score, Jaime! Possible reason #2 for long engagement: Steve still making payments on this ring. Anyway, Jaime visits Steve at the docks where he’s working on his charter boat. She has a little problem with her bionic ear en route, but shrugs it off. There’s a really cute smooch scene here where Steve grabs Jaime and dips her like they were dancing. Then Jaime drops a few, dare I say, PG-13 sexual innuendos into their conversation—not typical for this once very G-Rated television series.

Yes, that is a list in Steve’s pocket.

I thought it was adorable that Steve was the one making all of the wedding arrangements like catering, flowers and the minister. But I just pray Jaime didn't allow Steve to be in charge of picking out their China pattern, too, because I saw the wallpaper this man chose for his kitchen once in Ojai. Ow my eyes. This off-limits decorating restriction is definitely going in their pre-nup, along with who gets custody of Jaime's original recording master of "Feelings."

Then Jaime and Steve go play bionic racquetball, where Jaime continues to have problems with her bionics and our tennis pro actually loses to Steve for the first time. Shock! Once again she shrugs off her pain and hides it from Steve. That evening at dinner while they reminisce about past missions and who it was who actually proposed marriage, Jaime uses her sad, puppy dog eyes and tries to get Steve to postpone the wedding a little while longer, claiming she has a really heavy case load with another Doc on vacation. Steve says no way, even if they have the ceremony in her office, they are going through with it. When her arm begins to act up again, Steve tries to help with a little “bio-practics” and she accidentally elbows his chest (while miraculously managing not to crush his ribs) and sends him flying into the bay. Oops.

Tales From the Crypt: This next scene was uncharacteristically creepy for this series. Late that evening Jaime lay sleeping in bed with her eyes wide open while ominous music plays and some shadowy figure wearing gloves was performing sabotage surgery on her bionic arm and implanting poison microchips. Ewww. (BTW this creepy prop sold at auction recently.) The next morning Jaime oversleeps, still feels lousy and finally heeds Steve’s advice to see Oscar and report the defects with her bionics.

My Bionics Are Breaking Down Therefore So Am I: Jaime decides her body is rejecting her bionics again, she’ll be a goner soon, and tells Oscar she wants to break off the wedding with Steve because she can’t stand the thought of becoming a handicapped burden to him and doesn’t want his pity. (Um okay. If you are having a similar emotional problem finding self-worth, I would recommend you not visit Dr. Sommers for advice in this area). While I wasn’t convinced this was necessarily a good plot device to slip in for Jaime’s character reputation as a professional therapist, it was actually a beautifully acted scene between Ms. Wagner and Mr. Anderson who demonstrated, once again, how magnificent they are as a duo in the heavy drama department.

The next day when Jamie’s in another session listening to Kimber-btch whine like a baby about her job stress again, she collapses just as Steve arrives and he rushes her to the “Bionic Sciences” ER where they put her in hospital jammies and an unflattering shower cap and then roll her into surgery with Rudy Wells. He brings her back from the brink of death, but warns Steve that there may have been some neurological damage (oh fercornsakes, are you going to erase her memories of Steve TWICE?!) and also that she may never be bionic again. "Just keep her alive Doc, that's all I ask"

Back After These Messages: I get the irony here. The first time around, the only way to save Jaime after her skydiving accident was to make her bionic. This time, the only way to save her was to un-bionic her. Both times, Steve just wanted whatever medical decision would save her life. So why would Rudy—or even Jaime for that matter—seem to think that Steve would be disappointed if his girlfriend/fianceé/wife wasn't a bionic woman? Poor Steve demonstrated consistently (and arguably, probably selfishly) that he merely wanted Jaime “any way I can have her.” C'mon people THIS IS ROMANTIC!! (Well, except for that scene with the respirator tubes sticking out of Jaime's mouth. #NotExactlySexy.)

Additionally, I really loved the way Jaime's character adapts to the 90s in this movie, especially when she was playing OSI agent. She was much more commanding than the younger Jaime, and not afraid to use her earned influence when she was ordering around the Marines and even in the way she handled Oscar when she wanted her way. This was a new decade, where tougher female characters were beginning to emerge more frequently in television and film, so how great was it to get to revisit one of the original 70s trailblazers in stron

g female leads and to see that she could easily hold her ground in the field of present day expectations.

But Hark, What Light Through Yonder Window Breaks? While Jaime continued to be hooked up in intensive care, Oscar took time out of his busy schedule to cancel their wedding ceremony, flowers, caterers, and personally call all 76 of the wedding guests. Then in a scene right out of Shakespeare, poor Steve had to go to the hotel to retrieve Jaime's wedding dress that her chamber maid had just gathered up in the bridal suite. How sad was it to watch Steve carry this shrouded dress in his own balcony scene overlooking the garden, holding it like a dead bride in his arms. Voiced offstage: "For never was a story of more woe. Than this of Jaime-ette and her Romeo." Sniff. Sonnet. Sniff. But wait-eth, there’s more.

The Runaway Bride: In-between her bionic breakdowns, Jaime apparently recorded a private video message postmarked to Oscar. This harkens back to episodes like Kill Oscar where he used to record video messages for Jaime and Steve all the time and demand they not come rescue him for the good of their country and/or ratings—not even if the enemies were waterboarding him.

Jaime uses this e-Harmony video un-dating service idea to dump her fianceé. My bionics are breaking down, I'm dying, I don't want to be a burden, yadda yadda and oh yeah, I can't marry you. But like the hit song says, "I will always love you." !Sob! Steve watches Jaime’s video message from her bedside, where she regains consciousness just as it ends. Poor Steve was crying his eyes out pleading with her that it doesn’t matter to him, but she ordered him to leave anyway.

So Steve retreats to a bar and has one last !STUN-LOVE! flashback episode where he remembers the scene in the last reunion movie when he and Jaime got engaged. Oscar comes by to check up on his pal and Steve acknowledges Jaime's frequent "flair for drama" and he knows she still loves him and will realize soon enough she made a mistake and will want him back. But in the meantime, he wants to play a cowboy again and "get the hell outta Dodge." He requests an OSI assignment to go help with this embassy takeover in the Bahamas (oh yeah, the other plot that I have been completely ignoring in this review up until now) and of course Oscar is more than happy to put the legendary Steve Austin back in bionic action.

The Return of Dr. Crankypants: Dr. Wells gets terribly frustrated with not being able to pinpoint the cause of Jaime’s bionic meltdown, and gets really—I mean EXPLOSIVELY—testy when Oscar asks him what's wrong with Jaime. Not since early 3rd season have I seen Rudy blow his little science gaskets like this. He eventually determined it was a computer virus plaguing Jaime’s bionics, and thankfully he calmed down just in time to perform surgery on her (whew!) because I shudder to think what the wedding would have been like if Rudy had still been cranky when he walked her down the aisle—as poor Jaime was in danger of being dragged by her hair. Possible reason #3 for long engagement: Wait for Rudy to be in a good mood.

Oh Yeah, The Plot: So a little band of terrorists have taken over the American embassy in Nassau, the Bahamas, and they are holding a bunch of party guests hostage. Steve is old friends with the ambassador, who reportedly saved his life once. Oscar assigns Kimber-btch to go with Steve to assist. As it turns out, she’s the one who has been messing with Jaime’s bionics, and now she drugs Steve’s coffee and starts sabotaging his bionics, too. All because her daddy once developed the technology with Rudy and he died a broken drunk man or something so she needs revenge. Steve didn’t realize she virused him, so when he breaks into the embassy and his bionics start freaking out, it results in his capture, too.

Meanwhile back at the hospital, Jaime is mostly recovered from Rudy’s antivirus software surgery and is furious to learn that Steve took a mission. After she and Oscar figure out Kimber-bitch is a traitor and that Steve could be in danger now, too, Jaime demands that Oscar send her to Nassau immediately. Like, private Air Force F-16 jet escort immediately. (I loved this scene!) Upon arrival, Jaime takes Kimber-btch into custody and makes her chauffeur her to the Embassy, then informs her ex-patient “Oh by the way, I don’t think I”ll have any trouble getting you out of the OSI.” A-haha good one, Jaime!!

What’s in YOUR wallet:

I am so accustomed to cops and federal agents (like Dana Scully in The X-Files) carrying their credentials in small, leather folded wallets… flipping them open on demand with proud authority. In this scene, Jaime is asked to identify herself to the Marine guard—and god bless her. The Bionic Woman flashes her OSI badge from a bulky MOM WALLET. (I'm surprised her coupons didn't fall out.) The guard responded with "Woah!" which I am hoping meant he was genuinely impressed with her security clearance, and not that she had a scud missile neatly organized in it, too. But the joke here is actually on us, because as a Travel Packing Genius, this was likely Jaime's only piece of carry-on luggage for her entire trip to Nassau. Thanks to Embassy surveillance cameras and convenient high resolution zoom-ins, the Bionic Blonde was able to get a CSI-style forensic close up of the contents of Jaime's stylish wallet….er purse… er suitcase... -->

Dungeons and Dragons: Steve got locked in the old wine cellar of the embassy with the ambassador and all the other party guests, but can't help free them because his bionics are weakened by the virus. Hmm. A 20-year supply of vintage wine and champagne, original chef Dave Thomas in a surprise cameo with a truckload of Wendy's hamburgers … and you people want to escape?! Although realistically that much red hamburger meat would not be good for Steve, so his future, diet-disciplining wife needs to bust them out of there ASAP. Thusly, Princess Jaime arrives and kicks down the dungeon door to rescue her handsome Prince. She is immediately forgiven for dumping him via VHS video, Steve asks, “do you think we can go now?” Jaime says, "I do," making a flirty little play on words to their upcoming nuptials, which are obviously

back on now. These kids are adorable!

Steve and Jaime bust all the hostages out to safety, and then follow the head terrorist in his van when he tries to escape with his cohort, Kimber-btch. Jaime gives us one final and exceedingly brilliant, 1000 points Angry Birds Score by hurling a street sewer lid, frisbee-style, like a million yards and disabling their getaway vehicle. But Kimber-btch starts to feel remorse for her crimes, so she whispers to Jaime long distance that her partner’s got a remote and is about to launch a missile. Steve picks up his gun, and with his bionic eye aim, shoots the remote out of the guy’s hand just in time. 1000 points for Steve, too. Woo hoo! Exhausted, Steve says “we’re definitely getting too old for this.” Jaime agrees and says, “let’s go home.”

I Knew The Bride When She Used To Rock & Roll: At last, the wedding ceremony takes place! Jaime’s in a lovely white wedding dress with a long train and veil, carrying a bouquet of pretty white lilies, and Rudy walks her down the aisle to a little rose-decorated arbor. Oscar is Steve’s (jealous) best man. The minister didn’t even start the vows before Steve jumped his line and anxiously said “I do.” Then he and Jaime kissed for a really, really long time. Like dude, let the poor girl come up for air! Finally the minister gave up and just pronounced them husband and wife, and when the bride and groom turn around to leave, Steve asks Jaime, “Now can we talk about kids?” Giggle. Jaime shoots him a really funny, mean look. (Most likely, this is the very same look she gives him whenever he suggests they go skydiving.)

SQUEE!!

A very happy ending for The Six Million Dollar Man and the Bionic Woman and the

Never In A Million Years Are We Raising Bionic Kids Even If I Do Carry Around A Mom Wallet.

And so boys and girls, they indeed lived...

FASHION HIGHLIGHTS

I counted 7 different outfits in this movie, including Jamie’s blue jammies. Well, I guess 8 with the hospital jammies. Lots of casual, long flowy blouses and skirts, some awesome earrings and necklaces, and of course the beautiful wedding dress, that incidentally turned up in an auction a couple years ago and sold for a shocking price. (More on that later!)