The Return of The Bionic Woman (Part 1)

bionic blonde

THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN 3x01

September 14, 1975

Dear Diary,

Mood Ring: Purple!

Wow I can't believe it!!! The Bionic Woman came back to life on the Six Million Dollar Man tonight!!!! After she died they froze Jaime and she woke up but she can't remember who she is or who Steve is anymore. I was so happy Jaime was back, but I was so sad for Steve because Jaime loves that stupid doctor now. It's not fair!!

May 28, 2012

Dear Bionic Blondes,

Mood Ring: Blue

Boys and girls, tonight we are going to start off with a little lesson in Latin:

deus ex mach•ina: "god from a machine"; improbable plot devices whereby an author's seemingly tangled situation is suddenly and abruptly resolved with the unexpected intervention of a new event or character. Derived from ancient Greek and Roman theatre, where a crane or riser (machine) was used to lower actors playing gods onto the stage to amend the plot.

Unsure how to pronounce dues ex machina? CLICK ABOVE FOR AUDIO TRANSLATION*

Yes boys and girls Jaime Sommers is alive!! Woo-hoo!!! Can you believe as kids we had to wait 7 months for this divine intervention? But as grownups with DVD players, we can now experience this happiness with instant gratification. This 2-parter launched the third season of The Six Million Dollar Man, and wasn't without a lot of network hype ahead of the premiere to make sure all the little children of the Nielsen ratings world knew their prayers were being answered and the Bionic Woman was being resurrected from her tomb.

Tonight we start with Oscar narrating scenes from the "Bionic Woman" episodes airing last season that ended tragically for everyone involved. Especially me.

Because this is Steve's show, whatever, we open with Steve and Oscar in a helicopter flying on a mission. But instead of admiring the aerial view, Steve is having Stun!Love!Lost flashbacks of Jaime running in slow motion. Despite this early visual appearance, I'm not allowing the Bionic Woman any points for being on time tonight, since she was simply being recycled from last season's home movies.

Oscar tells Steve his assignment is to break up a family feud by bombing a deal they are attempting to arrange, so "hopefully they'll start shooting at one another." My, such violent language! But I have to remind myself this was The Six Million Dollar Man. On the Bionic Woman's future series, they would be scheming a plan to launch Teddy Bears, whereby Dr. Sommers would then hand them her “Family Counselor” business card to peacefully iron out their differences later in her office.

So then Steve is on the ground carrying a purse of explosives running around this little warehouse complex, when a van of bad guys crashes through a garage door, which falls on Steve's bionic legs and crushes them. Unable to walk, he has to call in a reconnaissance mayday to Oscar to turn back and rescue him.

Heigh-Ho, Heigh-Ho: A rope is lowered from the helicopter and pulls Steve out of there, while Oscar jumps on the horn and urgently announces, "Code Snow White! Notify Rudy Wells of our approximate arrival in Washington DC!" Hey, was this our very first shout-out in continuity for the future Bionic Woman series? In other words, "Hide the secretly-not-dead Snow White Sommers, stat—because her BF is about to land at the same hospital!" Most excellent! (Note: refresh this page to watch Snow White in action)

Sorry Pal You’re Mistaken: Steve arrives at the DC medical facility in a semi-conscious state. As he's being ushered down the hall on a gurney, he catches a glimpse of a familiar woman asleep in a patient room and whispers "Jaime." Dr. Wells expresses his concern to Oscar that it was dangerous to bring Steve there, but they had no choice. When groggy Steve wakes up from his surgery and dreams of his beloved, he's mumbling Jaime's name again. Rudy and Oscar deny Steve's claims he saw Jaime by reminding him he's been under heavy sedation for 3 days. They had to rebuild Steve's bionic legs, and not only can he not walk for another week, it will be some time before he can run 60 mph again, too.

Big Wheels Keep On Turnin’: Later while Steve is out on hospital grounds tooling around in a wheelchair, he zooms his bionic eye into an patient room and thinks he sees Jaime again, just as a nurse is closing the drapes. Watch out Ironside! Steve spins the chair around and with his bionic arm races the wheelchair so fast back into the building, we actually hear squealing tires and can smell burning rubber. This was funny. Was this supposed to be funny? Well it was. Steve bionic'd some hospital staffer out of the way but when he finally reaches this room, alas, there is another woman in it. Later, Oscar learns from a nurse that Steve has gone out jogging without his authorization. Oh no, not "Quadrant 2!!!" It's too late. This time S

teve sights Jaime from a distance being loaded into an ambulance, but his legs are not yet fully recovered, so he can't catch up to her.

BAM! Steve busts through a door and grabs Oscar's shirt collar and starts screaming at him in all-caps. Wow… I never saw him lose his temper like this before. "I SAW JAIME ALIVE TODAY. TALKING! I THOUGHT SHE WAS DEAD. YOU ALL MADE ME BELIEVE SHE WAS DEAD! NOW YOU'VE GOT 5 SECONDS TO TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON, OR I'M GONNA THROW YOU BOTH THROUGH THESE WALLS!" Relax pal. Oscar and Rudy fess up and begin to fill us all in.

She Was Really Most Sincerely Dead: Rudy goes on to tell Steve that Jaime was indeed clinically dead, but that the network, who had been slammed with viewer complaints, ordered an emergency deus ex machina and hired a young doctor named Mickey (okay Michael) Marchetti from the Walt Disney Cryogenics Lab to intervene after a grief-stricken Steve left the operating room. During the commercial, Mickey convinced Dr. Wells and Oscar to let him try his new experimental cryogenic biochemistry on Jaime. They froze her metabolism to arrest cell damage while they hooked her up to a heart and lung machine (and iPod) to oxygenate her blood, performed surgery to fix her brain aneurism, and then they would attempt to jump start her playlist again.

Defrost and Reheat: The team agreed not to tell Steve what they were secretly doing behind the viewers' backs for fear it would not be successful, and wanted to spare Steve losing Jaime a second time. After the cryogenics popsicle procedure, they got out the defibrillators and on the second attempt—CLEAR!—Jaime's heart started again!

Freezing May Cause Shrinkage: Evidently the sub-zero temperatures in this operating room also adversely affected Dr. Rudy Wells by completely altering his appearance and knocking off about 6 inches in his height. But these are the sacrifices we are all willing to make if it means reviving Jaime Sommers! As for their medical success, Rudy exclaimed, "We were jubilant!!!" Which made me giggle, especially considering it came directly from the new, very rarely jubilant Dr. Crankypants, now being played by Martin E. Brooks. Welcome aboard, sir!

Steve is still furious with them for not telling him Jaime was alive. But, they explain, "she was in a coma for months" and they "nearly lost her on 5 separate occasions!" <--- (translation: Ms. Wagner's contract negotiations went back and forth 5 times), so they still postponed informing Steve and the rest of us anything about it. Jaime only just now signed to return for this 2-parter and woke up a few days ago and they aren't even really sure how much brain damage she might have encountered,

because nobody's had time to read the script yet. But the doctors finally cave in and grant Steve permission to see Jaime— but only to say "hi," because they haven't been able to fully assess her condition yet.

She Speaketh! The Bionic Woman had nearly 25 minutes to extra-study for her first actual speaking part in this episode. However I remain in denial, convinced she still memorized her line wrong. Because when Steve visits her recovery room, Jaime wakes up, looks at her former fianceé with a quizzical look, and asks…

"Who are you?"

JaimeJaimeJaimeJaime, you and Steve were the celebrity "Ausommers" remember!? He's your childhood crush and the love of your life, despite having taken you on a skydiving date that nearly killed you, made you bionic without your (coherent) consent and then you were like SO lapsing in starry love judgement, you were even willing to let your church minister choose a rock band for your wedding reception! But sadly, you suffered bionic rejection on a rainy night, beat up a phone booth and then died on national TV. Check your Facethingy Page, Jaime!

As The Bionic World Turns: Alas, my mood ring is back to black. Jaime's 3 little words sucked the oxygen right out of the room

and Steve is crushed. And so are the rest of us—as we begin to realize the bionic show people are purposely going to train wreck this wonderful little love story just so The Six Million Dollar Man could remain a bachelor every week. Sure. Fine. As payback, we—her adoring fans—will just Occupy ABC and demand they make Jaime Sommers the bionic bachelorette and give her her OWN TV series! <---(BTW that isn't the Oprah Winfrey Network, either.) Where was I? Oh yeah, memory loss and stuff.

2 Good 2 B 4 Gotten: After the commercial Steve has his head buried in his hands, saddened that Jaime no longer remembers him. Dr. Disney and Dr. Wells disagree on whether she will ever regain all the brain cells damaged by the aneurism in whatever lobe it is that stores her memory (I forget.) They also worry that it could be physically painful for her to learn too much too soon about her past, including her relationship with Steve. So for now, he has to pretend to just be her new bionic platonic friend.

Later in her hospital room, Jaime and Steve bionic-bend the iron bed guard back and forth a few times in order to establish their mechanical bond, then she has a few momentary blips of Steve flashbacks from the past, but shrugs it off. After a bit of small talk, Jaime and Steve agree to be Facebook friends and seal it with a handshake, and then get to work breaking in their bionics.

It's Track and Field Day! Woohoo 50 points! Jaime's re-wearing her fabulous black track suit as she and Steve jog side-by-side in slow motion, together again! While Jaime's all smiles because she's thawed out and enjoying a second chance at life, Steve is focused on putting his Ausommers love song back on the charts. "Because sweet Jaime I love you / I never want to say goodbye to you / Sweet Jaime I'll love you forever…"

Hold it! I'm sorry but for some reason Steve is just not keeping up with his Bossa Nova band tonight. Is it me, or is he like 8 beats behind the entire time? But that's okay if he sounds like he's just staggered out of a a pub, because we are intoxicated by Jaime’s return, too! Less all slurr along even though his Lawrence Welk band has not only finished playing this last verse, they have already packed up and boarded the bus for their next gig honoring the Queen Mother in Palm Springs. "...Makeroomforme in yourHeaaaarrrt." #insidejokes

But Things Were Going So Swimmingly: By the time the song is over, Jaime has transitioned into a tank top and white shorts on the track, and then they cross dissolve to the pool where Jaime and Steve are Speedo-swimming bionic laps. When they get out and Steve is drying off, the water on his face causes Jaime to have a brief flashback to him on that fateful night in the rain. With a sharp head pain, she reasons she must have gotten water in her bionic ear.

Then Jaime spots her Dr. Disney approaching and tells Steve she thinks Mickey is "cute when he frowns. …Because sometimes I just want to gobble him up ( #excusemewhileIhurl)… and other times... I feel like I have somebody else. Or I did, anyway." And then when Mickey tries to playfully push her in the pool, Jaime and Mickey icky-kiss. Right in front of Steve! This. Is. War.

Dr. Get Lost: Mickey Marchetti officially becomes the Bionic Blonde’s very first Not!Steve (1.0.) Hurled at the TV in protest: Four ice cubes, a Klondike bar wrapper and two popsicle sticks…. It wasn't enough to break Steve's heart when Jaime didn’t recognize him, they had to immediately put her in an unsettling-to-watch romance with Dr. Disney, too—who at first diagnoses Jaime with a routine patient-doctor infatuation. But rather than gently let her down, Mickey decides to make a play for her, too. (Hey, is this considered professional conduct for a physician to knowingly take advantage of a patient like this?) While Jaime swims some more laps, Mickey and Steve agree to let nature take its course for the sake of Jaime's recovery and see which direction her heart takes. Steve tries to be a gentleman and good sport about this little contest with Mickey to win Jaime over, but just like the rest of us, you KNOW Steve totally wanted to kick him in the nuts.

No Geese Were Harmed: In the next scene it's morning and Jaime's wearing really cute drawstring pseudo-jammies resting in her hospital room when Steve comes by to pick her up for a run before breakfast. But Jaime's on exhaustion strike, pouts her lips and tells him to go away. A bionic pillow fight erupts between the two and feathers start flying everywhere. While they are laughing, Jaime suddenly has another Steve memory flashback. When he asks her what's the matter, Jaime says she feels like she's right on the edge of remembering, but then it hurts. "Isn't there anything they can do?" Yeah, get out of there quick—before the nurse on duty sees this insufferable mess of feathers she has to clean up! (Bionic patients are like the worst.)

The Sommers Summit: In a panel meeting between Steve, Oscar, Rudy and Dr. Disney (they have a lot of these in this episode), this time they decide that maybe taking Jaime back to Ojai will help stimulate her memory, and since it's Steve's hometown too, he should be the one to escort her. But they have to make sure she doesn't bump into someone who might recognize her and bring back any painful memories. Oscar suggests they "keep her off the streets." (Snicker. What is this, The Wire?) So with a little trepidation that the visit could do Jaime more harm than good, they unanimously agree to make this a 2-parter and endanger Jaime's emotional state next week!

In the last scene, Steve is loading a suitcase into his station wagon, while Jaime scores another glorious 50 points for wearing a totally cool black sweater and jeans. (We’ll get to see more of this in part 2.) Then she icky kisses Mickey goodbye (#gross) and once again all her friends and doctors discuss and reiterate behind her back—and miraculously, out of her bionic hearing range—how harmful this could be for Jaime to revisit her past too soon. Jaime and Steve get into the car, smile and drive off.

To be continued...

Final Tally: Mood Ring green (neutral). Really, the only jubilant feeling to come out of this episode was the fact that Jaime Sommers was back! The rest of the time, we are left with this rather soapish torment with Jaime's instant romantic attachment to a new character and of course the way it is breaking Steve's heart. Not much to celebrate there—only the hope that next week the bionic show people would undo all this amnesia plot teasing and bring Steve and Jaime back together again.

Bwwwwwwwa-hahahahah!

We have a very long wait until Jaime’s Budapest!Bonk, so The Bionic Blonde’s true happy ending here is that after tonight’s clothing delights, thankfully, it appears the precious wardrobe lobes of Jaime’s brain remained unharmed.

FASHION HIGHLIGHTS

In addition to Jamie’s hospital gown, I found 6 different outfits in this episode. I especially liked the white two-piece outfit in the pillow fight with the button detail on the back— these looked like pajamas, but it could also have been a casual linen summer jumpsuit, too. I also liked the cool spider web pattern on Jaime’s bathing suit.

Listen to the Bionic Blonde join Cyborgs: A Bionic Podcast to discuss this episode.

*”She’s Alive” sound bite is from the 1935 classic Bride of Frankenstein. The Snow White image is from a recent, and very funny skit on Saturday Night Live, The Real Housewives of Disney.

Monday, May 28, 2012

The Return of The Bionic Woman (Part 1)

SHEEEEES BAAAACK!

The Bionic Woman has been lovingly defrosted! But can she overcome her freezer burn and remember her significant other?

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SCORE: 2.5 out of 4 Tennis Balls