EPISODE REVIEW 2x08

November 24, 1976

Dear Diary,

Mood Ring: Blue

The Bionic Woman went undercover as a nun tonight. She was pretty funny and helped find some drugs and then she saved the wine convent for all the sisters! But they didn’t sing like real nuns do in Sound of Music.

October 27, 2013

Dear Bionic Blondes,

Mood Ring: Purple

Okay now THIS was a nun fun episode. (Even though I generally get cranky when Jaime only has one outfit, at least this one was stunningly black.) Sister Jaime was written by creator/producer Kenny Johnson, who always seems to have a smarter knack for bringing out the best in the Bionic Woman.

Subsequently this offered a clever plot with witticisms and wait, what's that I hear… even some shades of classical Johann Sebastian Bach mixed in with our weekly wocka-wocka music score? Sister Jaime is definitely a stand out in her myriad of undercover assignments.  Plus, you get to say OMG a lot and completely fit in.

For tonight's episode, we'll be snacking on holy wafers and partying with Jaime down in the wine cellar. Sound of Music references will be plentiful, so brush up on your von Trapp vocabulary or risk getting left behind at the Bionic Blonde Salzburg Festival.

How do you solve a problem like Marline-a: In our opening scene, a couple of shady looking guys follow a nun carrying a suitcase into an alley and at first glance it looks like they're about to mug her, but turns out they're OSI agents working for Oscar Goldman, who arrives and sternly yanks off their captive's habit headdress and then begins to interrogate this lady named Marline, a.k.a. Sister Smuggler (I'll be substituting easier-to-remember nun names this evening).

She refuses to tell Oscar who her delivery contact is. So Oscar orders her taken away and returns to the back seat of his limo to speak to… Sister Jaime! Oh lordy, the Bionic Woman is dressed as a nun.  Who, incidentally, was 2 minutes late for her show tonight because she was busy singing and twirling in the Alps and missed morning prayers.

Oscar pours the glitzy contents of Sister Smuggler's courier pouch onto Jaime's lap— they're "industrial diamonds designed for classified use by the OSI"  he explains, and they're worth "three quarters of a million dollars." Jaime's assignment is to pose as the new undercover Sister Smuggler, hoping the bad guys will contact her for the pick up, resulting in their arrest. 

As if all women wouldn't be at serious risk, I love how Jaime expresses concern for walking through this seedy neighborhood with "something this valuable." (okay you DO realize you're not supposed to WEAR the diamonds, right?)

Mission-ary Work: Oscar informs Jaime she may have to take this bad nun's bus ticket all the way, and espionage things inside the convent, too.

Jaime freaks. "Oh Oscar, I don't know if I can carry this off  THAT far!"  He assures her she's gonna do fine because she's just what every convent needs, "a Bionic Nun."  For the benefit of all of us, Jaime rolls her eyes and winces, "God help me."  (underneath her veil, you just KNOW she whispered a version that took the Lord's name in vain.)

To kick off our Abbey festivities tonight, we'll be doing a Sound of Music filk in place of the usual Bionic Woman opening theme. Kids, let's all sing along to the tune of "Lonely Goatherd."  (Extra credit if you make puppets, too.)

1. High from a plane
   

2. Jumped a woman downward
   

3. Lay-ee odle lay-ee odle lay hee ho
   

4. Lusty and clear from the woman's screams heard
   

5. "Help I lost my legs, an arm and ear!!"
   

6. 
   

7. Men in the midst of the OSI said
   

8. Lay-ee odle lay-ee odle lay hee ho
   

9. Lets spend the millions to make her stronger
   

10. Put her in the O.R. now—let's go!
    

11. 
    

12. Odle Jai-meee.  Odle Jai-me.
    

13. Odle Jaim-hee-hee. She's in surrrg-ery!
    

14. 
    

15. Happy are we, lady-ho lady-hee-ho
    

16. Now she runs around and crushes balls slow-mo
    

17. And she's a teacher and secret agent
    

18. Welcome to Bionic Woman's show!
    

May I Take Your Order: After the commercial Jaime arrives in a Yellow Cab taxi outside the convent, pulls her mini-talkie out of her pocket and calls Snow White, identifying herself as "Bashful" in a hysterical Goofy character voice. Oscar says she's gonna have to go full nun on this assignment and infiltrate the order, and then Jaime hangs up when Sister Heaven’s Gate approaches to let her in. The latch is stuck, so Jaime bionic-fixes it for her, and then she is escorted to meet the Mother Superior.

The order automatically assumes their visitor is from "St. Michaels" and Sister Jaime immediately produces an official letter that was not part of Oscar's prop transfer earlier when he gave her the smuggler's bus ticket and diamonds.  So DANGEROUSLY, the contents of this aforementioned letter are now left open to our imagination.

My money's on this as the reason any nun would choose to leave her previous position.

---->

Oh dear, this Reverend Mommie Dearest (BTW nicely played by Kathleen Nolan) is not very friendly. She judgementally makes Jaime turn around so she can review her wardrobe, and then informs Jaime if she's gonna be one of her nuns, "you must be certain that your look and your attitude are presentable at all times, is that clear?" 

She goes on to caution she will not tolerate any misbehavior, either. Dang, so does this mean Jaime can't do Bashful voice impressions anymore?

Suddenly they are interrupted by Sister Floor Wax with a message the Bishop is on the phone. Before she leaves, the Superior Mommie Dearest orders her to finish waxing the hardwood floor in this dining hall, and assigns Jaime to help her.

Sister Act: When they get down to start hand waxing the floor, Jaime remarks, "When I came here, I knew I'd be doing a lot of kneeling, but this isn't quite what I had in mind."  Lolz.

The two nuns immediately sister-bond by exchanging teacher teen hip language like how this is "a drag" and "I can dig it." In their conversation, Sister Floor Wax says the Reverend Mother used to be a joy to be around, but lately she's been super uptight, keeps an eagle eye on everyone and is really protective of the winery. (Honey, it's called MENOPAUSE. Especially that ‘keep away from my wine’ part.)

I love how Jaime suddenly perks up, "What?"  Woohoo, there's a WINERY here? What time's the next tasting?! Sister Floor Wax says they make a famous brandy called "Convent Gardens," and natch Jaime grins and confirms she's heard of it. (So do we get an employee discount?!) Sister Floor Wax decides she's parched and offers to go get them some water, enabling Jaime to bionic wax and buff the rest of the floor so she can leave and find this winery whereof they speak. But unfortunately she gets busted on grounds by the Reverend Mother, forbidden to visit the winery, and ordered to go to her room.

I Saw What You Did And I Know Who You Are: While Jaime's unpacking, someone slips a note under her bedroom door instructing her to GO TO CONFESSION at 11:45 today. (Oops, by any chance did they just run across Jaime’s gag reel on YouTube?) The Bionic Woman dutifully shows up at the confessional chamber where an unseen man tells her to hurry it up and come inside.

"Well?" the voice behind the confessional curtain impatiently asks. A confused Jaime stammers, "I'm gathering my thoughts, Father."  (As in, what year shall we start here because this whole vow of chastity thing could get fairly complicated...)

Just gather the diamonds and turn them over, he demands, because he knows she's lying about leaving them in her room—he just searched it. And then he claims to have a pistol aimed at her behind the curtain and counts to three. Jaime has no choice and hands over Oscar’s three quarters of a million dollars diamond pouch.

Frantically, she tries to engage him in conversation and asks about her share as Sister Smuggler, but he bolts too quickly, blocking her confessional door with a chair. By the time Jaime bionic bashes it open and races outside, she gets intercepted and dragged into noonday prayer by Reverend Mommie Dearest, preventing her from trailing the bad guy who took the diamonds.

Good news is her angelic face has gotten her accepted as a Sister, bad news is she lost his three quarters of a million diamonds. Oscar blows when he learns she never saw the contact's face, either. 

Jamie reports this confession priest was an impostor and Reverend Mommie Dearest has been gospel b*tchslapping everybody around, so she’s prolly in on this, too.

Jaime hangs up her mini-talkie and tries to head for the winery to check it out, but when she opens her door she is met by Nunzilla, who has been eavesdropping on her. "With whom were you speaking, Sister Jaime?"  Ummmmm "with HIM" naturally, as she points her finger upward. Haha.  Reverend Mommie Dearest then grills Jaime with questions of suspicion, and orders her to go work in the garden and not to come back until it's completely tilled. Ugh. This place is no fun.

Outside on grounds, Sister Floor Wax directs Sister Jaime to Sister Hoe in the garden, who insists on speaking exclusively in Latin—a language Jaime doesn't know—so she pretends she's rusty and just nods a lot.

More sister bonding ensues about how mean the mother superior is and how the winery is so off limits. Jaime bends the tip of her hoe so that Sister Hoe has to loan her her hoe and go get another hoe. While she’s gone, this time Jaime bionic-tills the entire garden, so that she can finally sneak off for happy hour.

Hallelujah, the winery! Jaime sleuths around the building and sees some casks arriving on a truck, and tiptoes in a back door and hides behind a barrel stack in the warehouse. Right where a couple guys load the new cask on top, swearing to the Reverend Mother this quality blend came all the way from France. Merci!

When they leave, Jaime notices a powder spilling from the top, tastes a bit on her finger and declares, "Woah, talk about the Flying Nun!" 

Bwaaahahahaha! (And forgive me for asking, but how would she know what this would taste like?)

Jaime almost gets caught during her escape by Father 'Breaking Bad' Thomas, who dials someone on the phone and says he just saw a Sister snooping around so naturally they will need to accelerate their plan—and if she comes back, don't worry he'll be sure to "administer the last rites on her."  (Groan. I think Jaime's Catholic jokes are way funnier.)

Sister Jaime mini-talkie reports to Oscar the shady background of Father Thomas, suggests he find out more about Reverend Mommie Dearest and then cracks another funny joke when Oscar asks her about finding his diamonds. "Oh Oscar I've prayed a lot, I really have." 

Keg Party: When Daddy-O-S.I. gripes AGAIN about what they cost, Jaime offers him a consolation prize and asks him what a barrel of heroin would be worth. About $15 million, Oscar ventures. Jaime won't tell him why she asked, except to say they might be onto something bigger she'll call him back later kay bye bye.

That night while sneaking into the winery again, Jaime discovers her heroin barrel has gone missing (crap!), and when she leans along a wall rack of wine it suddenly bumps open.  Ah ha, a hidden room! (And there isn't a creature behind it like last week, either.)

I love how she slips into Lisa Galloway's southern accent with her news "I found your lil ole diahmonds… and $15 million in heroin."  (That second half was in her California street dealer accent.)

Schedule Conflict: Oscar tells Jaime he wants to move in now to make the arrests, but she tells him she overheard the bad guys are going to rendezvous the smuggled goods at 8 am tomorrow with their buyers, so she pulls out her biblical calendar and bumps Oscar to 8:15.

After she hangs up, Jaime catches Reverend Mommie Dearest spying on her conversation, follows her to the chapel and then overhears her praying to the Heavenly Father about this shocking Blessed Bad drug operation she didn't know anything about. Jaime apologizes for being a fake government nun and deceiving her, but the Reverend Mother says she actually weeps because the Bishop "is the biggest male chauvinist that ever lived!" Haha. Evidently he prefers his male monks run this winery instead of a bunch of nuns who are trying to break the stained glass ceiling. No. Way.

Eat, Pray, Love: This emotional scene becomes their Climb Ev’ry Mountain moment, except the tables are turned, and it's Sister Jaime playing the Reverend Mother's life coach. 

It's actually really touching how Jaime offers up her signature compassion to try to help them out of this crisis situation so the bishop won't yank the winery from them.

Time to hatch a plan with their "fired up group of female christian soldiers"  (Feminist Nuns—I love it!) to get the bad guys arrested and out of the convent before the Bishop arrives at 8:30 in the morning. Okay my eyes are starting to leak now. Sniff.

Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves: So they drag all the nuns out of bed in the middle of the night, and coach Sommers designs their game plan on the chalkboard. They gather up the heroin, diamonds and keg from the winery and put it on a truck, and then Jaime assigns Sister Hacksaw to cut an iron fence on the back of the property to create a new exit through which they will lure the bad guys, so they don't use the main entrances that will be surrounded by law enforcement, causing the Bishop to run into this major drug bust.

Then precisely by 8:28, Jaime says she will open the front gate to greet the Bishop's arrival. Ahaha, I love how the chronically late Bionic Woman is suddenly on some kind of trustworthy, synchronized time table—especially given she's not even wearing a watch. However I did quite curiously notice she remembered to wear her wedding band in this episode.

(?)

Setting the Da Vinci Code: That morning with the Bishop en route in his black stretch Popemobile, Jaime drives an old car to the main gate and bionic tips it on its side to block the entrance. At 8:12 Oscar and the feds reroute to the back gate, where it is also blocked— by some nuns herding a bunch of sheep.  Oscar pulls out his official government business ID badge and hysterically says...

Sister Heaven’s Gate tells Oscar sorry one of the sheep is giving birth and God's business comes first, so they refuse to move and re-direct him to another entrance down the road. At 8:19 Sister Floor Wax and another nun steal the bad guys’ truck loaded with the heroine and diamonds, forcing them to chase them down with their own sedans. Right to the fence they hacksawed earlier, where Sister Hoe yanks it down and waves them through—shouting some Latin phrase that I'm pretty sure translates as "FLOCK YOU, bad guys!"

New Testament: Jaime meets them at the road and bionic hurls a rock at the bad guy’s car and blows out their front tire. Woohoo! Angry Dove Score 500 points! Their car comes to a screeching halt right in front of Oscar's cavalry, but they insist they can't be legally arrested.

Jaime suggests Oscar check the back seats of their cars, whereupon he finds little white bags of heroin. The bad guys get all huffy and claim they've been framed, while Jaime grins mischievously and announces "God works in mysterious ways." 

Yes, and let's hope he looks the OTHER way when you swear on his bible in a court of law you didn't plant this, Sister Sommers.

Ding Dong, the church bell starts ringing—Bishop's coming! So Jaime has to run and avoid Oscar's disciplinary talk about breaking one of the supreme court commandments with that little evidence planting thing.

While she races back to the main gate to remove the blocked car, the Reverend Mother witnesses her bionic speed and strength.  HOLY shhh… (Well you just know she was THINKING it.)

Sister Jaime then politely greets "Bishop Parriott" in his Popemoble and says the Reverend Mother is expecting him.  Amen, the entire plan worked like a well-outlined script!

So Long, Farewell: In the last scene, Jaime walks across the convent grounds with Sister Heaven’s Gate and Sister Floor Wax, and they report to her they passed the Bishop's inspection and will get to keep the winery. "Right on!" says Jaime. Although I think it would be nice if they would show their appreciation here by presenting Jaime with a case of their infamous Convent Gardens™ Brandy, dontcha think?

Then the Reverend Mother comes to bid farewell and WOAH STOP EVERYTHING! Out here in the bright DVD daylight it appears she’s suddenly aged like 20 years since her last scene. (The wrinkly age makeup really is obvious here.) SUUURELY this is the result of her gray-hair-raising shock in having just witnessed Jaime’s bionic speed, and not that they would purposely cast a 40-something actress for a Reverend Mother role they felt needed to be in her 60s—when there are never any amazingly talented actresses out there available in this age group.

Anyhoo, the wrinkly Reverend Mother tells Jaime she's seen her miraculous gifts God has given her, and prays she will always use them wisely. Jaime vows "I try to. I really do."  She God blesses and they say goodbye and Jaime picks up her suitcase and heads across the courtyard for home. Sigh. Don't you just love spiritually happy endings?

Especially when this scene reveals yet another of the Bionic Woman’s timeless virtues in an OMG moment.

Yup, taller than Jesus.

FASHION HIGHLIGHTS

Jaime had just one outfit this week, dressed in a traditional nun habit with a black veil and a white wimple. With this, she wore black shoes, black hose, a large silver cross necklace and a string of rosary beads on her belt.