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Assault on the Princess

Wed, 22 May 2013 16:48:52 -0500

EPISODE REVIEW 2x03

October 7, 1976
Dear Diary,
Mood Ring: Gray

The Bionic Woman can shuffle cards really good so on her show tonight Oscar had her go on a gambling ship to find some Ice Man and a bomb. She let the skipper guy kiss her (yuk!) but it was just for her job. That must be why she cried at the end.

May 22, 2013
Dear Bionic Blondes,
Mood Ring: Blue

Passengers, welcome to the White Star Princess Louise Cruise Lines! Before we board this ship tonight, we recommend you bring lots of cash to lose in the casino to our lovely bionic blackjack dealer. Dramamine and life jackets will be provided, not that anybody cares there's a bomb on ship anyway, and all drinks are on the house. Until the bartender runs out of ice.

What happens in 70s Vegas: Tonight's episode begins in the much groovier 1970s Las Vegas with show revue music, where all the establishing city signs and marquees are prism-repeated on your television screen like 12 times. Okay thanks I see it. All 12 of them. We are in fabulous LAS VEGAS, kids! And the Bionic Woman was right on time tonight, too (I mean what are the odds?) and we're in some kind of unsettlingly decorated, seriously overly-lit, plush 70s Vegas office and we have to stop here for a moment so I can go cover my eyes with a cold washcloth and take some Excedrin.

So Oscar and Jaime are with some card shark guy named Joe, who I guess is like one in real life because his card tricks were better than his acting and OMG he is wearing the most GHASTLY SUIT EV. ERrrrr—while training Jaime to be a "regular pasteboard artist." I really have no idea what this means, but it appears to involve a deck of cards in a 'regular' capacity, while having nothing to do with art or a jar of paste.

I mean seriously dude, this suit. This is all I can see now. Did we get this from last week's lady wrestling costume Trunk of Shame™? Just so we didn't miss the fact his tailor also graciously designed matching PANTS for our viewing pleasure, Joe stands up and walks out of the scene. Ow my eyes.

Picture This: Oscar shows Jaime a photo of a guy named Lucky Harrison pulled from his IMDb page which has not been updated since the 1960s, and she's told he likes his women "gutsy and beautiful." And then Oscar pulls out an 8x10 glossy of a missing energy cell about the size of a flashlight battery. (Does Mr. Cell like his women fully charged?)

But unfortunately no photo is available for the code-named "Ice Man," —the double agent who stole these energy cells because they don't know who he is. Only that he's going to smuggle them onto a gambling cruise named the Princess Louise. I love how Jaime is preoccupied, showing off her bionic shuffling and card tricks the whole time and is barely even paying attention to Oscar's weekly plot set up. Whatever, it's all in the script later.

Oscar says Harrison is a professional gambler and there's a government warrant out for his arrest but they can't board his ship to apprehend him because he's in foreign waters. Jaime skillfully fans her cards. Yeah did you say something Oscar? Her job this week is to try to get on that ship to find the Ice Man and the energy cells and oh by the way the energy cell is harmless as long as it's refrigerated, but if it gets warm, it turns into a "time bomb equal to 1000 pounds of dynamite." Sure no biggie, Jaime can lift 1000 pounds easy. I’m pretty sure that's what he said. *shuffles cards*

What's up Dock: In order to gain entry on the ship at some fictional foreign dock named "Puerto de San Raton" Jaime pretends she's running from the law, which consists of a couple cars from the Barney Fife Museum with "Policia" stickers stamped on the side doors. Into the ship yard Jaime races, hiding behind a generous stack of 55 gallon drums which surely means Fembots are not far behind. And she's wearing a nice, 2- piece white chenille dress, with a tan purse and matching tan wedgie sandal pumps.

Meanwhile our gambler bad guy Lucky Harrison is busy checking in his own cruise passengers personally, and OMG I am so so sorry. We have to stop here and officially rename this guy THE TIDY BOWL MAN. Sure, he's dressed like Mr. Yacht Club Thurston Howell The Third. But he also dons an earring in one ear, so he's clearly experiencing a Mr. Clean identity crisis, too. Kids, meet our new Captain Janitor du jour, Mr. Tidy Bowl Man. Welcome aboard and please remember to leave the seat down.

Stowaway Sommers: In the shipyard, Jaime purposely bumps into the Tidy Bowl Man and begs him to let her come on board. He says no way, lady. Moments later when he's busy talking to the Policia, Jaime has Rita bionic her up onto some cargo platform loader so she can sneak onto the vessel that way.

All this time, Señor Goldman has been sitting in the Mayberry police cruiser helping to stage Jaime's escape scene to con Harrison. Oscar requests a ride to the nearby naval station where he has a ship waiting to follow the Princess Louise out to sea.

Foghorrrrn Booooom! The steamer chimneys are blowing smoke and yay, set a course for adventure there's something for everyone because the Louise Boat is about to set sail! Rudders are spinning, passengers are out on deck waving bon voyage to their loved ones... but alas, Leo DiCaprio appears to have missed the boat this time.

Jaime skips down the hall in order to look non stowaway-ish, hooks the arm of a guy walking his girl and cheerfully says "Hi there. Are you enjoying the cruise?" Tidy Bowl Man intercepts and scolds her for sneaking on his ship. Jaime asks if he's “going to give me 20 lashes and throw me to the irons?"

No, but he says he could get a couple men to throw her overboard. Jaime says he'll need more than a couple because she can handle herself pretty well. During this exchange, Jaime bats her eyes and playfully fingers his lapel until he decides she's enough of a gutsy and beautiful "bad girl" to interest him.

Windsor, Lose or Draw: The Bionic Woman's undercover name on tonight's mission is "Jaime Windsor," and Tidy has his assistant Tanner escort Miss Windsor to his private captain's quarters. As she's leaving, Tidy tells her if he had decided to throw her overboard, she probably could have easily floated back to shore on just her "inflated ego." Haha.

Better Safe Than Sorry: The minute Jaime is left alone inside the Captain's quarters, she heads straight for his little steel safe on the floor, hoping to find the energy cells. She cracks the code combination with her bionic hearing, but unfortunately inside there are only a few boring manilla envelopes. Not even a nude sketch of Kate Winslet.

Oops the Tidy Bowl Man walks in on Jaime just as she's closing the safe door. He surmises the cops must have been after her for safe cracking? No, Jaime says, she just had a little card-dealing trouble. Tidy wants to see how good she is, so he lays out a black cloth on his desk and requests she perform the "Las Vegas shuffle. Dealing blackjack to five players."

Palms Casino: Jaime deals the deck and knows all the blackjack numbers with the cards face down—until she gets to his hand, and guesses it wrong. Tidy is outraged! But Jaime doesn't flinch and points out there's a missing card in his left sleeve because… and I just love how Lisa Galloway makes a sudden guest appearance in Jaime's voice… "darlin' , you palmed it."

Tidy laughs at her gotcha moment and wants to hire her as a dealer. He buzzes his intercom for Mr. Grover to come take Jaime to "stateroom number 8." Adding, "and see to it she doesn't steal the compass on her way past the bridge." And now comes my favorite part.

Thanks to the benefit of viewing this distant wide shot on a large screen TV, Jaime's facial reaction to his line became noticeable to me for the very first time… she responds to Harrison's joke by goofily CROSSING HER EYES at him on her way out the door. Ahhhhhhahahaha! I heart Lindsay Wagner. (And props to the actor Ed Nelson who played Harrison for actually being able to finish this scene with a straight face afterwards.)

Silver and Gold: So Grover (who incidentally looks like Burl Ives) locks Jaime into her stateroom after he leaves and she bionic hears him call someone to report his concerns about this cute stowaway and that Harrison is "going soft on her." They need to get in touch with the Ice Man and see how he wants to handle this. Oooo.

The Mini-Talkie Returns: How much do I love this little radio device Jaime uses to report to Oscar? She carried one a lot in the 3rd season, but I think this is maybe the first official time it shows up in her series, at least one this small. Anyway, Oscar's floating nearby on a Navy cruiser just outside their radar range (not the stove brand), and Jaime relaxes on the bed and dutifully feeds him her plot discoveries thus far. Stay in touch will you okay you got it DOOR KNOCK.

Jaime stuffs the mini-talkie back into her purse and asks who’s at the door. It's Tidy Bowl Man, spontaneously dressed for the prom in a white tuxedo and no earring tonight, *sighs* so I guess I have to go back to calling him Harrison for now. Jaime answers with a hysterical eyeroll and great comeback line, "Well come on in, it's your boat, you must have the keys." SNICKER

Blackjack Threads: Hey look Harrison is playing wardrobe designer, and has brought a couple black dresses that "all his lady dealers wear" because Jaime has to work tonight. Jaime looks at the dress size tags, grabs one and takes it behind a wardrobe screen. She glares at him trying to watch her undress. "Haven't you got anything better to do?"

Harrison turns around and makes a call and orders something like 15 degrees and holding her steady at 20 knots, so I'm guessing it was the steering bridge and not room service. Jaime comes out from behind the screen wearing a lovely, v-neck black dress with extra-wide sleeves and white, art deco style trim. I smacking adore this dress!

Ace of Clubs: Now it's nightfall in the ship's Vegas-style casino room, as Harrison mills about greeting his passengers and managing his gambling operations. The camera pans the room to reveal his esteemed patrons list, including the Unsinkable Molly Brown, Jacob Astor, Benjamin Guggenheim and oh look, Maude is there, too. (Seriously one of the women gambling at a table totally looked like her I swear I am not making this up!)

We see Jaime dealing cards at her blackjack table and woah, girls' been into the Tiffany's jewelry cabinet, too and is sporting some huge dangling diamond earrings and a heart of the ocean necklace. I mean seriously what is it about big ships and huge diamond necklaces? (Actually it might not have been a diamond pendant. See close up in wardrobe at end.)

For her first night on the job, Jaime's unfortunately got some impatient, Soprano mobbish guy in a SCREAMING PLAID SUIT, who sourly asks Jaime if she's "gonna deal or shuffle the spots off the cards." Jaime gives him an ice cold stare back. And then oooooops…

Why, look who walks in: It's Romero from Fly Jaime! The Bionic Woman's jaw drops and she has sudden flashbacks to stewardessing him on the airline last season and getting his hand off her ham and cheese. Jaime's like crap crap CRAP he's gonna blow my cover and get us all killed.

Romero has a great reaction face here when he first recognizes Jaime, plus a bunch of really funny lines tonight. While I found him slightly annoying the first time around, this time I kinda welcomed his comic relief.

Romero (played by Vito Scotti), who still harbors his boyish crush on "Miss Winters," drops little stewardess hints like "May I fluff your pillow?" She tries to ignore him and pretends he's mistaken, meanwhile her angry mob player is getting super annoyed with Romero's presence and interruptions.

Jaime tells Romero he either has to place a bet or leave the table, which has a "500 minimum." Romero gladly pulls out his wallet to offer even more— 5000 lira, but Jaime does some super amazing, split second, bionic currency conversion rate calculations in her head and determines that only amounts to $6.25. Gurl how'd you KNOW that? (Incidentally I just googled today’s currency rate and 5000 lira is now only worth $3.32 USD)

Then the mobster guy in a bullying Jerrrrsee voice calls Romero a "little fruitcake" and he's had enough of his lip. Harrison intervenes to see what's the matter, and the guy goes on to complain he's "in the hole 10 Gs, and this bimbo is bugging me." WTF?! Oh wait, he was pointing to Romero as the "bimbo" here because I was just about to bionic him overboard myself for addressing Jaime Sommers in this ungentlemanly like manner. Then oops, Harrison calls her Jaime... so now Romero is even more convinced he is not mistaken.

"Jaime? Why even your front name is the same!" This one had me ROFLing. (And singing 'my baloney has a front name'…) Harrison ushers Romero off and says maybe he ought to try his luck at one of their other tables and gives him a free gambling chip.

Name Game: But Loud Plaid Suit Whiny Mobster Dude is still not a satisfied customer because he's got a feeling "This chick's a mechanic and has raked me off for about ten grand." Oh, excuuuuuuse me? CHICK? I thought we were going to refrain from using these demoralizing terms when addressing our esteemed Sister Jaime Joltin’ Jesse Sommers Winters Windsor …Austin. Just use her front name, thank you and please have the courtesy to spell it correctly.

I love how Jaime raises her hands in the air in an "I'm clean" gesture of innocence. Oh like sure she is, after all those fancy marked card cheater moves she demonstrated to us earlier? Note to self, don't ever play the Bionic Woman in cards but DO take her with you when shopping in Rome to instantly calculate monetary conversion rates.

The Pissy Plaid Patron then hauls off and gives Harrison a back hand slap across the face when he suggests he's just a lousy player. Harrison appeases his dissatisfied customer by offering to send Jaime on break and gets him a new blackjack dealer.

Moonlighting: Jaime opts not to spend her break sneaking down to 3rd class steerage for beer and Irish dancing, and instead follows her bionic hearing to the bridge where she learns they are secretly plotting to take the ship off course. She's jumped once again by Romero on the way, and Jaime's like "you just don't give up, do you?" While she sweet talks him into spouting soliloquies to the moon about their windswept islands love, she bionics to the upper deck while his back is turned. "My little coquette, I will find you!" vows Romero.

Jaime climbs the stairs to the bridge and shifts into flirtation gear with Tanner about wanting to see where the "real action is going on." OMG the creepy looks this guy gives her when he sizes her up made my skin crawl. Ewwww. Anyway she manages to bust him on the fact he is off navigational course, so he turns the ship's wheel back and just when she can tell he's about to get into date-rapey territory, she tells him she should probably let him get back to work "cause you might run into an iceberg or something." I love how Jaime's so anxious to get away from this creep she bumps into a pole on her way out.

The Promenade Deck: Later Harrison rescues Jaime from pestering Romero in the casino again and takes her for a moonlight walk on the deck. He confesses to her the importance of this ship being all he's got, and if he goes back to the states, there's a Navy court martial waiting for him because he once ran a floating crap game on a carrier while he was in the Navy and then deserted to avoid prosecution.

Profiling the Pirate: This of course begins to set the stage for Jaime sympathizing with the bad guy's predicament and motivations, and she asks him if he ever gets homesick. He replies, "give all this up? For what? For mom and apple pie and everything?" But Tidy Bowl Man, then you'd miss the amazing wonders of Jaime's Pie Shop! Plus her mom's pretty cool, too.

Then Harrison suddenly gets all Film Noir gangsta mode angry on Jaime for this romantic distraction and turning his head with serious questions like that and who are you anyway and then he grabs her and kisses her. Nooooooo! Ewwwww! Then he pushes Jaime away.

All the while this is going on, the bad guy Grover is on the deck above them super super quietly loosening the bolts on a searchlight so that even the Bionic Woman would be unable to hear, and thusly she does not see it come crashing down on her until it's almost too late. She bionc-bats it away and blames Harrison for trying to have her killed.

The Face That Launched 1000 Ships: Harrison is shocked and confounded that Jaime thinks he somehow planned this and storms off the set. Poor Jaime's left standing there all alone to come up with some kind of drawn out, cut to commercial face all by herself.

She finally decided on an expression that appeared to convey "slightly seasick with a dash of hurt and emotional confusion."

If there had been a thought bubble here, it probably would have explained, "Because I sorta sympathize with this guy who isn't entirely not cute, but no way because I like my military men ranked Colonel without court martials and sorry, this dude's like on America's Most Wanted plus he dresses like the Tidy Bowl Man and so we can only be friends." (It's amazing what I am able to read from 5 seconds of blank stare at the camera, isn't it?)

Bottom Line: Lucky Harrison is officially a Not!Not!Steve so free drinks and gambling chips on da house. Woot!

The next morning Jaime's sitting in her state room in a blue bathrobe with her back to a 3-way vanity mirror chatting with Oscar on her mini-talkie again. I guess because she's like I wonder what I look like from the back in 3 various angles talking on this thing. After she reports she almost got killed by a searchlight last night, Mr. Goldman wants to get her out of there.

One If By Land, Two If By Sea: Oscar doesn't think her going down with the ship line is funny, cautioning once again what would happen if one of those energy cells heats up. (Incidentally there are 2 dangerous energy cells on board, so why is it that they only plot-remind us that one of them could blow up?) And oh by the way Oscar says that Rudy says right before it explodes, Jaime should be able to hear a high pitched hum and also there's a submarine heading towards them, so that must be who the bad guys are planning to rendezvous with by taking their ship off course. Later dude.

Jaime puts her black gambling dress uniform back on and goes down to the casino room to do more Ice Man research. While she's at the bar ordering a glass of ICE water, the Tidy Bowl Man joins her and attempts to apologize for his behavior last night but suddenly gets a phone call that there's trouble in the engine room. Jaime follows him.

Steam Team: The crew is rushing out claiming they've been sabotaged and there's steam everywhere. Tidy goes in to try to find the problem and Jaime finds him crawling on the floor, helps him up while lightly brushing his sideburn (Um Jaime he's a Not!Not!Steve remember?) and his inspection determines the "Rudder Push Rod" has been disconnected.

Because this apparently needs a "Porto Power and ten hours to fix," Tidy would rather avoid the dead cruise ship rescue parties and CNN reporters that could result in his capture, so he wants to abandon ship and invites Jaime to join him on his 22-foot getaway sloop with enough supplies to last them a whole month.

Wow Jaime what an extremely generous offer to dump your highly rated television series and aimlessly float around the shark-infested waters of the Atlantic with the Tidy Bowl Man on a small boat. Are you sure you wouldn't like some time to think about this? I mean fercornsakes, he's got 30 days worth of supplies! (Yes kids, the snarky tide waters are indeed beginning to rise on this Bionic Blonde cruise.)

Okay I Fold: Jaime decides it's time to "lay all my cards on the table," because she realizes he wouldn't sabotage his own ship to whom he’s so devoted. She tells Harrison about the Ice Man and the energy cell bombs and that his men Tanner and Grover are involved. She asks for his help, but he'll agree only if he can fix his cruise liner first to avoid the Navy, because his welfare is more important than his passengers.

While he races to the phone, Jaime bionic lifts the rudder back into place and then bashes the giant pin into it with an iron sledgehammer sound. Which was pretty incredible considering she managed that power hammer hit with her human, left hand. Harrison comes back, is just as shocked as the rest of us, and phones the bridge that they are back on course! Then he and Jaime leave to go find the mystery double agent.

The Ice Man Cometh: Back in the casino room, Jaime again scans the passengers on board and this time finally catches Grover talking to the bartender. She bionic hears him relay the message that Harrison fixed the rudder. OMG this bartender's mustard colored jacket seriously looks like it was made from Liberace’s drapes. Honey did we get this from the Trunk of Shame™, too? Jaime watches him scoop ice cubes into a glass and then it finally hits her… "The Ice Man!"

Reflections: Jaime goes back to her state room to radio Oscar her breaking Ice Man news. This time she decides to face the mirror, presumably so she can see what she looks like from the front chatting on this thing.

But even with the benefit of 3 expansive mirror angles and her ultra-bionic hearing, she fails to notice the bad guys entering her room. They completely take her by surprise at gunpoint, swiping her mini-talkie and carting her off to be locked up in a vessel storage room. Oscar freaks at the abrupt disconnection from Jaime. and orders his naval ship to head towards the Princess Louise. Which means it bleeps up on the Ice Man's radar, who responds by ordering ONE of his energy cells to be taken out of refrigeration and placed in a "nice warm spot" during the commercial.

Jaime gets escorted to some kind of supply room on the main deck with a vault lock wheel thingy where Harrison has already been kidnapped and stored.

Meanwhile up on the bridge, Tanner asks the Ice Man "what's gonna happen to the blonde. … isn't there some way we can… take her ...with us?" Okay just stop. NOW. OMG Tanner starts breathing heavily in some kind of creepy, obscene phone caller voice, while he's suggesting they forcibly abduct her like a sex slave. Was it really necessary to take this scene in such an icky direction? OTOH, Tanner's stupid suggestion DID get him whacked over the head by the Ice Man (THANK YOU!) but only because he just now realized Tanner was an idiot and incapable of focusing on their mission and also that he probably should have checked the sexual predators database before hiring him. But too late, this scene completely CREEPED me out.

ATTENTION PASSENGERS. PLEASE IGNORE THAT LOUD CRASHING CAN OPENER NOISE YOU JUST HEARD ON THE STARBOARD HULL. AND THOSE CHUNKS OF ICEBERG ON THE DECK ARE NOTHING, REALLY. CARRY ON!

Back in the locked storage room, Jaime sympathy-grimaces while she watches Tidy Bowl Man struggle with trying to turn the hand wheel to open the door. Jaime asks to try, and just as she's attempting to figure out a way to do this without revealing her bionic superpowers, she hears Romero strolling outside the door. Jaime gets his attention and convinces him to help them triple-team twist the wheel from both sides and maybe they can break the padlock on the door. Natch this works, and Romero is very pleased with his newfound strength and the fact he isn't a "Fruitcake" after all.

ATTENTION PASSENGERS. OUR PLOT IS UNFORTUNATELY BEGINNING TO TAKE ON WATER. FOR YOUR SAFETY, WE ASK YOU TO PLEASE PUT YOUR LIFE JACKETS ON AND PROCEED CALMLY TO THE LIFEBOATS WHERE YOU WILL BE SORTED ACCORDING TO SOCIAL CLASS AND HOW MANY TWITTER FOLLOWERS YOU HAVE. THANK YOU.

AND ALSO OUR CRUISE DIRECTOR JULIE SAYS THERE'S A PARTY UNDERWAY ON THE LIDO DECK WITH LIVE MUSIC BY CHARO. CHECK IT OUT!

Row, Row, Row Your Boat: Suddenly the Ice Man and Grover are making their escape in a little row boat, heading towards the submarine that awaits them nearby. To catch them, Jaime races to the railing and starts to climb over it and, OMG, she's TOTALLY going to pull a Kate Winslet leap off the boat here (DON'T JUMP ROSE!), but is intercepted by the consciously regained Tanner (ick!) warning Jaime the Ice Man has planted the bomb, and it's probably going to explode any second now!

Jaime turns to the Tidy Bowl Man to ask for help but he's like sorry lady this is as far as he goes and he ditches her to go escape on his 22-foot 30-day sloop. Yes this Captain COWARD fully intends to abandon his own ship. But good ole Romero steps up, so Jaime asks if he will please go alert the passengers about the impending bomb and get them to the life boats immediately! Say no more, Romero assures her, "I've had experience in theeese crisis situation!"

Bombs Away: Down in the engine room Jaime's racing around and bionic listening for the bomb, pleading "come on you little hummer, where are you?" Whereupon she bumps into Tidy, who has had a sudden change of heart about leaving Jaime to handle this crisis on his ship alone. (This is code for he probably couldn't get his escape sloop motor started.) Jaime's like great show me a warm hiding place where they would likely put this bomb. Meanwhile Romero's in the casino ordering everybody to get off the ship because there's a bomb, but nobody is taking our comedy sidekick seriously and he's flatly ignored. Who could have seen that coming?

Finally, Jaime hears the hum in some steel bolted box compartment in the engine room and torques all the bolts off it while Tidy has gone to look for a wrench.

Yay she races outta there with the energy cell, and bumps into Romero at the top of the Grand Staircase, and asks him if he knows where the freezer is in the galley, because she would like for him to take this about-to-explode energy cell bomb to the freezer immediately. And whatever you do, don't let it out of your hands!

SORRY AGAIN FOR THE INTERRUPTION PASSENGERS, BUT FROM THE AWKWARD 90 DEGREE POSITION OF OUR SHIP AND SMASHED DISHES, YOU CAN PROBABLY GUESS WE ARE SINKING. WE RECOMMEND YOU PROCEED TO THE STERN SECTION OF THE SHIP AND HOLD ONTO A RAILING FOR BLOODY LIFE. THANK YOU AND PLEASE ENJOY OUR QUINTET ORCHESTRA'S RENDITION OF "NEARER MY GOD TO THEE." CAN WE PARTY HERE OR WHAT?

With Romero successfully in charge of the bomb, Jaime runs to go catch the two bad guys. WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT HOLD IT RIGHT HERE!!!

Jaime sweetie, let's regroup on our Homeland Security list of impending disasters, shall we?

1) Bomb with potential to kill hundreds of innocent lives with an unknown temperature detonation factor. VS.
2) Apprehending two bad guys making their feeble escape in a slow moving row boat.
 And your trained, OSI agent emergency decision here is to put the caddish, Italian civilian Romero in charge of the WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION, while you go after the little row boat? Whose idea was it to make the Bionic Woman appear a bit dinghy here? (Nautical pun intended.)

Alas, the script calls for Jaime to run back out to the deck to stop the row boat, whereupon she pulls an iron anvil out of the deck (actually, in nautical terms this rope-tying device is called a "cleet" but I've seen too many episodes of Road Runner so you can't fool me) …and she bionic hurls the anvil like a missile at the row boat and sinks it, just as the bad guys jump overboard to avoid being harmed. Angry Road Runner Score: 1000 points. Woo hoo!

The Carpathia Arrives: Suddenly Jaime notices a navy helicopter flying overhead preparing to capture the bad guys in the row boat while the enemy submarine bails and submerges. Oscar's Naval ship is approaching. Essentially, reminding us that if Jaime had waited one more minute, our armed forces could have easily taken care of these row, row, row your boat escapees as part of their everyday military training missions.

So Jaime goes and rests on an outer staircase and removes her earrings. The Tidy Bowl Man approaches and asks her if she's all right. He notices she's shaking, and Jaime embarrassingly says yeah I know this is silly, and then she proceeds to collapse in his arms and begins weeping uncontrollably.

And I'm sorry excuse me did I actually just SEE this because WTF? Why would they suddenly turn the Bionic Woman into such a wilting flower after this routine anvil toss? It’s not like she even missed and failed—because she NEVER misses. And at this point, Jaime hasn't even bothered to go follow up on the status of the WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION she gave to Romero, to make sure it’s no longer a threat. Who ARE you people and what have you done with my Bionic Woman?!

Oh look a message in a bottle has just splashed on deck, conveniently wiki-charting Jaime’s typical breaking points in order to help us assess the character validity of this sudden tear duct collapse.

MAY WE HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE. TO ANY PASSENGERS WHO ARE STILL ALIVE, AS FOREWARNED IN PREVIOUS ANNOUNCEMENTS, OUR PLOT HAS NOW OFFICIALLY SUNK. SORRY IF YOU WEREN'T FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO MAKE IT ONTO KATHY BATES' RESCUE BOAT THAT SAFELY LAUNCHED AFTER THE SECOND ACT. FOR THE REST OF YOU STILL TREADING WATER, DON'T EVER LET GO, ROSE. SORRY, THAT'S ALL THE ADVICE WE HAVE.

ALSO, PLEASE SIGN THE CHANGE.ORG PETITION CIRCULATING TO HAVE THIS EPISODE RENAMED "ASSAULT ON THE FANS." THANK YOU FOR SAILING ON THE PRINCESS LOUISE. HAVE A NICE DAY!

The Ship Hits The Fan: I think it was perfectly appropriate for us to conduct the final scene at the CRAP TABLE, where Jaime and Oscar join the Tidy Bowl Man. He's about to be taken into custody for his past transgressions and current crimes including endangering his passengers. Of course Oscar (who incidentally has the other fuel cell in his warm hand and I fear it could go off any minute because they never did establish what temperature explodes them) …plans to see what he can do to lighten Harrison's sentence with the Navy in exchange for (sometimes) helping Miss Sommers. Jaime smiles and tosses the dice and hits the lucky number 7.

Just as the Feds are about to take Harrison away, he stops to tell Jaime he's hopeful that someday soon "I'm gonna see you again, Lucky Lady." I love how Jaime doesn't even smile back this time. I would surmise her expression here is actually more like "Sure whatever."

And then poor Romero is carried out on a stretcher shivering, wrapped in blankets with ice crystals formed on his beard—having dutifully followed Jaime's instructions not to let go of the fuel cell when he found the freezer.

"I did what you said I held onto it are you pleased?" Romero stammers. Jaime is all like oops sorry about your severe hypothermia, and she gives him a kiss on the cheek as a thanks. "If you only knew how warm that makes me feel." Romero says, and of course now he wants to know when he's going to see her again. Yeah, well take a number behind the Tidy Bowl Man, Romero. The Bionic Woman has to go home now and get ready to hit the Road to Nashville.

Captain’s Trip Log: Mood Ring: Amber yellow. This episode was written by Wilton Denmark, who gave us the fabulous The Deadly Missiles—and this one seemed to have a lot going for it in the beginning. But then it just kinda shifted off course. I'm not sure why they didn't do more with the ticking thermal time bomb suspense opportunity, or why they allowed the story to get torpedoed with some gaping plot holes and confusing character inconsistencies for Jaime. But on the upside, I'll never be able to look at the Tidy Bowl Man again without being reminded of Assault on the Princess. And then I’m just going to make Jaime’s "slightly seasick with a dash of hurt and emotional confusion” cut-to-commercial face®

FASHION HIGHLIGHTS

Jaime wore 3 outfits and a blue terrycloth robe in this episode. For the opening scene in Vegas, a pair of white casual slacks and long-sleeved blue and white striped blouse. Then when she boarded the ship, a pretty white 2-piece (cotton?) chenille dress with cropped sleeves and wedgie sandals.

Followed by my fave— the fabulous, v-neck black dress with draping, triangular sleeves and art deco stripe bands on the sleeves and hem. With this, she wore black strapped heels, long diamond earrings and what looked like a diamond or silver chain combo necklace with a pendant. We could never get close enough to really see, however it did not “sparkle” as much as her diamond earrings.

And as you’ve probably guessed by now, I was a huge fan of the film Titanic and would give anything to dress Jaime in Kate Winslet’s hats. -->

In This Corner, Jaime Sommers

Wed, 8 May 2013 15:58:27 -0500

EPISODE REVIEW 2x02

September 29, 1976
Dear Diary,
Mood Ring: Yellow

Tonight on the Bionic Woman, Oscar made Jaime be a lady wrestler for a case and she had to dress up like an Indian sqaw with hardly any clothes on! I felt sorry for her. But in the end she was much stronger than the other girl wrestlers and won the world series.

May 8, 2013
Dear Bionic Blondes,
Mood Ring: Blue

Nobody Puts Baby In the Corner: Ima save my rant about this scanty, so-non-politically-correct costume for later, so I can start on a happier note that I really did like the episode much more this second time around. Miss Wagner had so many hilarious facial expressions, and was clearly having a little unrestrained, Jaime-fun with this undercover lady wrestling assignment. I bet she's hella fun at Halloween parties.

Speaking of parties, gather your Bionic Blonde viewing supplies for tonight's big wrestling match! To start, you have to assign yourself a mean lady wrestler name like "Savage Sommers," because we can't let Jaime go into this degrading exhibition ring alone without some emotional fan support! I'm choosing "Bombay Betsy" and wrapping a sari sheet costume around myself— revealing so little skin that I'm hoping all the men in the arena will ask for their money back.

Also, pour yourself a pitcher of Martinis, because tonight’s drinking game is devoted to the use of Jaime’s bionic ear to eavesdrop. Which is freakishly a LOT in this episode. Lastly, bring out your bathroom scales, because we need something to pound every time they shockingly break the sisterhood divine secret rule and dare to mention a woman's weight.

Ready, Set, Bell Ring Round One! The Bionic woman was only 45 seconds late for her episode tonight. She had to wait for some OSI agent to get cornered and captured in an arena, first. Then she could promenade with Oscar down the OSI Washington building hallway wearing a lovely striped, 2-piece dress. In the lobby outside his office, they bump into a grouchy Russian woman who's complaining about Oscar being late. She stomps back to her laboratory with her 2 bodyguards and tells Oscar to catch her later.

In Oscar's office, Jaime asks who that "Mary Sunshine" was. (See, even she's doling out wrestling names upfront.) Oscar explains that stereotypical Soviet-accented woman is Dr. Brandes, who defected from Russia last year and is working on some “Delta satellite project” for the U.S. But whatever, because that's not even related to today's assignment anyway (cough, cough). Right now, there's an OSI agent missing and Oscar needs Jaime's help!

Just like in Bionic Beauty, aforementioned agent was reportedly onto something BIG and sent a cryptic message to the home office before they lost contact with him. On a slip of paper, there's an address that our California gal Jaime immediately recognizes as a "seedy" area of D.C. So naturally Lady Wrestling would be exemplary there, in addition to being able to score crystal meth. Oscar wants Jaime to go undercover as a LADY WRESTLER. (Oh groan. Whose sexual fantasy was this?)

Jaime metaphorically throws the script back at Oscar. You're kidding? You're NOT kidding. Are you outta your mind I can't go into a place like that!" Oscar promises she wouldn't have to stay very long. (Remember, your show's only an hour long.) Jaime leans forward and crosses her arms on his desk, and OMG look how many outside phone lines Oscar has on his new decked-out world command switch board console! But wait, back to Jaime, because she has to make a very important point now about the nature of her television series.

"Oscar, you know how I feel about violence when it isn't absolutely necessary. I feel terrible if I have to swat a fly!" *Legal disclaimer scrolling on bottom of TV screen: However I will strangle and dropkick the bejesus out of any snake that comes within a ten mile radius of me.

“…and you want me to get in the ring with one of those crazy women?" Oscar points out these lady wrestlers can take care of themselves and besides, the Bionic Woman was designed to control her strength whenever she b*tchslaps people.

Jaime at last stands firm and tells Oscar, "NO! I've never said no to you before…"

But Oscar interrupts and guilts Jaime about saving this poor agent's life and that she's the only female OSI operative that can handle this case. I love Jaime's eyerolls here when she realizes the script has already been pre-approved and she has no choice.

After the commercial, Jaime arrives in SEEDYhood, D.C. at the "Olympic" wrestling arena, wearing sandals, bell bottom jeans and a blouse with the shirt tails tied at her midriff. After reading the scary lady wrestler names on the marquee, she decides this "calls for a stick of gum." She's pops a piece in her mouth and starts chompin' some attitude.

Inside the arena, Jaime bionic hears (#1 DRINK!) some ladies screaming and follows the sounds upstairs to a training gym. She first encounters a burly woman lifting bar bell weights. With a prominent camera angle on—how shall I say— the woman’s upper "rack?" ...Jaime's cheerful line here completely caught me off guard:

"Nice set of bells ya got there!"

*howls* Jaime sweetie, you are here to spy undercover, NOT to hit on these female wrestlers! (That script line was originally intended for Steve In a Dress™) Then suddenly a wrestler named "Mad Mary" falls out of the training ring and lands at Jaime's feet and our mistress of courteousness makes the mistake of asking her if she's all right.

"Hey, would you get out of the way, dearie?" Ooo Jaime makes a slight variation of her Bionic Disgust Face® here, that effectively portrays a silent "you little b*itch," while still keeping the show's family G rating.

Three's Company: Hey look it's that Mr. Roper guy who left his job as apartment manager for Jack, Chrissy and Janet so he could start coaching lady wrestlers as seedy "Milt" instead! When Jaime swaggers over and tells him she's interested in getting into wrestling, he sizes her up, calls her "kid" and says, "What do you weigh, about 105? 110 if you eat a lot of bananas?"

OH NOHEDIDHINT!! A pox on the house of anyone who ever dares mention a woman’s weight, and anyway aren't they supposed to divide this stuff into generalized divisions like "welterweight?" …spoketh the girl who never watches this wrestling/boxing stuff and is too lazy to google it. But pox you, Mr. Roper.

Not surprisingly, Jaime responds without a bionic slap across his face, "Okay I'm not so big, all right? but I got some pretty fancy footwork and a darn good right arm!" (And I chew gum like a bad*ss!) Milt concedes to offer her an entry level ticket taker job to start.

Moments later, Jaime bionic overhears (#2 DRINK!) Milt's seedy sidekick, Mad Mary, say that she suspects Jaime is a plant. But they're afraid if they kick her out it'll look suspicious, so they decide to let her try out for cheerleading.

Audition Time: After Jaime curses Oscar under her breath, "I'm gonna break your glasses for this," she comes face to face in the ring with mean Mad Mary. Jaime starts by using her classic Dodge, Weave or Flee Bigfoot Avoidance® technique, and I love how she just dives under Mary's legs to avoid contact. Mary calls her a "pencil neck squirt" and grabs Jaime's bionic hand, but Jaime pushes her back in a statuesque Hercules pose, overpowering Mary to her knees.

Now it's Mary's turn to throw Jaime down to the mat in like some spaghetti pretzel hold thingy on Jaime's legs, but when the camera panned to Jaime bionic launching her with her cyborg-sonic thighs, I was more focused on the camera reveal of a cute sergeant patch she had on her blue jeans. Sorry we have to stop here for a sec so I can add this to my Pinterest board.

Then Jaime revenge-pins Mary in a neck hold and says "What do you have to say for yourself now, DEARIE?" Ooo Jaime's come undone because you know, being around all these seedy people plus chewing gum can do that to you. Unfortunately, Jaime gets the job and will start tonight as the warm-up act. Sigh.

My New Household Name: Jaime introducers herself as “Jessie Sommers.” Milt decides her wrestling name will be "Joltin' Jessie." But she's gonna need an identity "schtick," so fellow wrestler April is assigned to escort her to the locker room and show her the trunk of shame costumes. But unlike that Mad Mary wrestler, Amazon April is rather jovial and really nice to Jaime. We heart her.

On the way to the locker room Jaime overhears (#3 DRINK!) Mary and Milt worrying out loud about her presence and potential obstruction of their plans to make some "delivery to their foreign friends." Oh, they are so up to something, dontcha think and I bet they are the SEEDY kind of foreigners, too. But we have to hurry and cut to commercial right now so Rudy can replace Jaime's worn down ear batteries and get ready to hear Oscar in the next scene.

Mr. Goldman, you have a call on line 716: OMG I think I officially nominate this as my new favorite phone call scene, where Jaime is reporting in to Oscar that she managed to get the wrestling gig, with a hysterical I'M PROUD OF ME face.

"Yup dontcha love it? *smacks gum* Hey Oscar they think I'm a regular Joe Frazier!"

(SILENCE) "Joe's a boxer, Jaime," corrects Oscar, the oh-so-mister-know-it-all-boss-man of sports trivia stuff. While he's busy mansplaining sports, I am doing some serious sisterhood bonding with Jaime in this scene now because I wouldn’t have known this, either. And especially when Jaime perfectly eyeroll replies with, "Oh. Well. Whatever." Yes she TOTALLY said that and do you honestly think I would leave this little dialog gem italicized and buried in paragraph obscurity? NAH, WE ARE PULL QUOTING THIS BABY FOR THE RECORD BOOKS…

Jaime doesn't have any info for Oscar yet on who the foreign agent might be but oh look there's April that she needs to pump for more information so she has to go now CLICK.

Round Two Coming Up: Right after Jaime hangs up the phone, she bionic overhears (#4 DRINK!) April talking to some SEEDY guy she owes money to and nervously promises to have her $9000 downpayment tomorrow. This is probably gonna ruin her loan shark credit score.

Then Jaime and April stop by Mad Mary’s big empty cage in the arena just because, followed by a nice, get-to-know-you talk about why April chose wrestling whereupon she divulges it's just her day job and that—as a licensed physiotherapist—her actual dream is to buy a little health club on the other, not-so-seedy side of town.

At last they FINALLY reach the locker room that Jaime and April were supposedly heading in the direction of 87 scenes ago, where they are met by Mad Mary again, who tells our "cream puff" Jaime she can't wait to fight her in the ring again. Game ON!

As she's walking away OMG Jaime does this perfect "MOCK U" kiss and lizard tongue sneer behind her back. Why oh WHY couldn't Jamie have directed this perfect payback face towards Shalon LAST WEEK in Bigfoot when she was taunting her affair with Steve?! I demand a re-edit! Refresh browser to see animated gif of Jaime’s funny faces in this episode. -->

The Trunk of Shame: April leads Jaime to a big trunk to select a costume for her wrestling gig, which is naturally locked because like this crap is SO valuable. Jaime helpfully breaks the padlock when April can't find the key, and inside is a smorgasbord of Halloween wardrobe essentials. I love how Jaime immediately grabs a curly, Shirley Temple-ish blonde wig and does this hysterical dance twirl and imitation of a little girl, squeaking "I like it!" But Jaime please choose that Medieval suit of armor we see in the top of that trunk please please please please please please.

Crap. The camera then cuts to Jaime's red moccasin'd feet and pans up to reveal a really short red suede mini-skirt and skimpy, low cut halter top with fringe tassels, feathers and beads in traditional Native American dress. Her hair is styled in Indian braids. All while warrior drum music is playing in the background. *sympathy SCREAMS*

Poor Jaime scoffs, "Are you sure Pocahontas started like this?" April says she looks great, but Jaime can sense the truth. "I. Feel. Ridiculous." Agreed. This is not befitting for Jaime Sommers as a feminist role model, nor is it even slightly politically correct by today's standards. But alas, it was apparently time for Jaime to fulfill her Bionic Burlesque quota and pander to the show's male demographic—and while I can't speak for the rest of the female audience, I only know that as a girl, my jaw dropped open and I found myself wanting to throw a robe over Jaime and to shout at all the boys watching,

STOP LOOKING AT MY SISTER LIKE THAT!!!!

Jaime pleads, "Is this really necessary?" April goes on to explain to Jaime that "sometimes the REAL you ain't enough to sell tickets," and in a roundabout way, also espouses why they had to do this to the Bionic Woman this week, too... Ratings.

Back after these messages: I touched on this earlier in Bionic Beauty, and fair warning, Ima go off on this one more time in Jaime and the King and quite possibly in ALL CAPS when they criminally transmute her into a harem belly dancer in a scene of such a demeaning subjugation that I just wanna hurl. To young girls & junior feminists who idolized Jaime's character for her physical and intellectual strengths, these episodes of sudden sexual objectification—coming completely out of left field— conflicted with the more positive values we were learning each week asserting that we could, as a gender, have more depth than this.

In plot situations such as this where the Bionic Woman was permitted to feel embarrassed or even tried to refuse to put on these "eye candy" costumes, it turned out to be a manufactured exercise in futility because they made sure Jaime always lost her argument in the end.

But we have to remember to put this in perspective. Thanks to the history reminders in the documentary Wonder Women: The Untold Story… In the 70s wave of feminism, this was only as far as the media would allow strong minded, independent women to be portrayed. On the upside, the Bionic Woman had it much better than Charlie's Angels in this department. And while we as Americans might complain, I’m reminded there are still millions of women today in other countries and cultures around the world who would appreciate even half the rights and respect that we took for granted—even back in the 70s.

As for this “Indian” costume, it probably goes without saying this misguided choice to portray a savage wrestler, and the stereotype jokes at its expense, are the kind of race-insensitive gaffes that could get a series cancelled today. But at the time, this was unfortunately a standard practice... everywhere.

So how do we get through all these modern day speed bumps? We follow Jaime's lead and try to make some lemonade out of all of this. (Okay perhaps with a splash of vodka, too.) And then watch Jaime brilliantly use her bionic ear a LOT because that means the camera can't zoom in on her cleavage. Heheh.

Slap Happy: It's time for Savage Sommers to get more coaching from April, who's smashing her face on the mat and telling her to smack the floor harder. Then she tries to teach her how to throw a punch. Jaime finally successfully hauls off a pretty convincing face slap that unfortunately is also too late to execute on Shalon.

While they're practicing a "full nelson," Jaime bionic hears (#5 DRINK!) Milt telling Mad Mary he's "got the drug they need." In order to follow him back to his office to figure out what this could possibly mean, Jaime requests to go on break, but April won't let her.

Merry Go Round: So Jaime offers to demonstrate her "specialty" and has Bionic Rita lift April and throw her over her shoulders, and then Jaime returns to spin her around like twenty times until April is too dizzy to stand up and crawls on the floor for a bucket to throw up in. This scene was kinda cartoonish, but they both looked like they were actually having fun filming it so how could you not giggle?

Then Jaime bionics down the hall and sleuths outside Milt's office to—you guessed it (#6 DRINK!). She hears him tell Mad Mary about their injectable drug that knocks someone out for five minutes they’ll plan to use tonight. And then the phone rings to alert him there's a TV crew outside. Because this lady wrestling event on the seedy side of town is apparently breaking news that's about to pre-empt local network programming!

Our Invisible Pixie Friend: We now cut to Oscar in his office, turning on his mini-TV enclosed in his fabulous space agey desk console, while he rings his secretary Callahan to send Dr. Brandes in. WAIT. WHO? CALLAHAN? YAYYYYYYYY!

Only bummer, we aren’t allowed to see her. While this marks the first time we hear her name mentioned on the Bionic Woman, Peggy Callahan actually first appeared on the SMDM episode "Steve Austin, Fugutive" more than a year earlier.

With Dr. Brandes, Oscar watches the live TV promotional coverage of the big lady wresting event where "The Battle of the ages is gonna be fought right here in the Olympic auditorium just 2 short hours from now." Woo hoo! It's gonna be Mad Mary and Fabulous Franci versus Amazon April and the Spider Lady! While the announcer introduces them, the women snarl and hurl insults at one another.

Crap Why Aren't We Allowed to Like This Woman? Meanwhile Dr. Brandes helps herself to a drink in Oscar’s bar and cracks a joke about not choosing to defect from Russia for our lousy American vodka, and then mock spits at Oscar's suggestion she has “freedom” because she's always chained to body guards assigned for her protection. P.S .I love this woman’s suit, too.

Oscar excuses himself and turns his TV back on where the cat fighting continues. Dr. Brandes slaps Oscar on the back (his face is priceless here) and admits she likes Lady Wrestling, too. But hush because it's time to promote the warm up match between Battling Betty Madison and our newcomer, Savage Sommers!!

Please Ignore Me And Turn The Channel: OMG viewers, that lady you see on TV RIGHT NOW is NOT the famous tennis pro that was engaged to Astronaut Steve Austin that made headlines in all the newspapers around the world, and don't even mention you saw her win that televised Miss USA pageant as Miss California last year because she is NOT WE REPEAT NOT Jaime Sommers! And especially if you are enrolled in school at the Ventura Air Force Base and happen to have a satellite dish with D.C. stations, this is NOT the same Miss Sommers with the same last name who is your teacher no matter how much she looks like, sounds like, and is EXACTLY her.

Jaime screams to the TV camera, "Yeeeeeuh! " ...Oh dear.

The announcer tells our crazy wrestler he doesn't see her opponent anywhere around here. Jaime plays it up for the camera, claiming she has a feeling she heard she was after her scalp… "she's probably in a church, aren't you honey, down on your knees, you're gonna pray that I'm gonna get hit by a Cee-ment truck before this match tonight…. "

Okay stop right here because it's a rule that I automatically adore anybody who imitates Granny's pronunciation of their swimming pool as a "Cee-ment Pond" from the Beverly Hillbillies. My mood ring is now a glorious purple.

Jaime continues (waving her tomahawk): I'm telling you Jimmy, Battling Betty, she's gonna get the ax tonight! And if you're out there watching sweetheart, I got a rhyme for you: If you show up tonight, you can trust, that you're gonna eat my dust, when I break you in half, everybody's gonna laugh, and say bashful battling Betty's a bust!"

WELL. Allrighty then. People, please don't EVER give this girl a stick of gum again, okay?

As you might have already guessed: The Russian Dr. turns out to be a "bad girl" because to some degree, they all are in this episode. Thanks to Oscar’s information leak, she calls Milt and tips him off that Jaime's an OSI agent. Ut oh, busted.

In the following scene Jaime's working out on some pulley weight thing, and anxious to get on the inside with April to figure out what they are planning to do, she decides to pretend she's desperate for money.

"April there's a guy named Austin. I owe him a LOT of money and if I don't come up with something real quick, he’s gonna get rough."

A-Hahahaha! (But don't forget Jaime, you're "the one person who can fight him off!")

Jaime says she owes him five grand and "this guy Austin's pretty bad news. Said he was gonna make me some cement shoes… hey that rhymes, doesn't it? But April doesn't think that's funny, probably because Jaime didn't say Cee-ment right this time. April feels sorry for her and decides to go call Milt and see if they will cut her in on their seedy plans tonight. Jaime of course bionic eavesdrops on this call, too. (#7 DRINK!) Milt says sure, bring her on up to the office.

When Jaime arrives with April for orientation, Milt taps Jaime's shoulder with the drugged needle and she immediately falls to the floor. April is shocked and wants to know what he just did to her new pal. " Just a little tranquilizer," says Milt because she's an OSI agent. Then he pulls out another needle and says he's gonna give Jaime a bigger dose to keep her asleep for a week. But lucky for us, he makes the mistake of injecting it in her bionic arm.

Rattling The Cage: Moments later Jaime regains consciousness in Mad Mary's cage, which has been suspended practically to the ceiling of the arena. She cracks a joke about making it to the top of this business, karate chops the wire mesh, then has Rita bionic jump down to a scaffolding area and then down again to the middle of the fighting ring. Then as Jaime starts to run out of the arena towards the exit—apparently because we're not drunk enough yet—she stops to bionic listen AGAIN (#8 DRINK!) and this time Milt's urging Mary to come on, they gotta go check on something.

Just then sad April walks into the arena and notices the cage is empty. "Pssst April!" Jaime gets her attention, confesses she's an agent, and asks for April's help. April feels remorse and explains she only did this because she needed the money, and tells Jaime they are planning to get something out of the audience during the match tonight. That's all she knows, and then she starts crying. Sniff. Jaime promises she won't let anything happen to her and they leave to go look for the kidnapped agent.

Well It's About Time Rudy Showed Up: He stops by Oscar's office and offers to buy him a drink—but not vodka because Oscar complains that Dr. Brandes is beginning to wear on him. Rudy mentions he just talked to one of her body guards who said she was taking them all to a lady wrestling match tonight. Oscar stops at the door and turns around, because Rudy? You just solved the case! Well of course he did, Rudy’s a genius.

Meanwhile, April leads Jaime to a room labeled "high voltage." and says she thinks they locked the OSI agent in there. But oops, just then Milt and Mary show up with a gun.

Full Nelson: After the commercial Oscar and Rudy are racing in a limo towards the arena. Oscar hushes Rudy so he can listen to the live radio broadcast announcement (just like in Bionic Beauty) that the warm-up match will not be held tonight. Oscar sighs and wonders what could have happened to Jaime?

Locked In the high voltage room are Jaime, April and the missing agent, who is drugged and barely conscious but Jaime manages to get him awake enough to say in Steve's Tonto voice, "She's going to defect. Take delta module." Jaime recognizes the project name and figures Dr. Brandes must be planning to escape. Because you know. She's Russian. How did we NOT see this coming?

The Weigh In: The arena is filling up with ticket buyers and the first match starts! Grab you popcorn because this is where the show announcer introduces team Mary and Franzi as weighing in at *censored* and *censored* pounds, WTF? While the bodyguards arrive with Dr. Brandes and take their seats, the team challengers— Battling Betty and Spider Lady are introduced at *censored* and *censored* pounds. Oh goody, I'm so glad we got every last ounce of their poundage fully documented and broadcast over the radio and stuff. Please join us for our followup humiliation match where we tell you when they get their periods! Oops did I just type that out loud? Ah well, no thanks to the Bionic Woman, I'm Hearing Hammered right now.

Meanwhile in the high voltage room, the temperature is up to 110 degrees. (Welcome to Palm Springs!) Jaime hesitates to kick down the door because she doesn't want to reveal her bionics. So she has April demonstrate the wrestler flying dropkick thingy, and then Jaime asks her to stand back while she tries it on the door and of course she nails it open. WOO HOO Angry Savage Score 500 points! Jaime's outta there while April's in charge of taking care of the semiconscious agent.

Heigh Ho: Back In the racing limo, Rudy confirms the delta circuit is indeed missing. Oscar gets on the car phone. "This is CODE SNOW WHITE, I want every available back up unit to rendezvous at the Olympic Auditorium immediately!" YAY you know Lipschitz is going down whenever Oscar throws his Snow White masculinity code out there.

On the wrestling stage, Milt sneaks Mary more drug needles. Seconds later while fighting her opponent, she pretend-falls out of ring and drug sticks the leg of one of the body guards in the stands. He drops, causing a commotion that provides a distraction to sneak the Russian doctor lady under the stage. There, she switches costumes with the Spider lady, commanding, "De Module! Now De Mask! Fix me!" A-Haha "Dat’s it. Now hurry lift de flap!" Because oh no she’s going to De fect!

Dr. Brandes takes off running towards the exit as the masked Spider Lady, but bumps into Jaime at the top of the aisle, who immediately recognizes her voice. So Russian Spider lady puts it in reverse. Jaime has April tackle her in the ring and pulls her mask off. Betty comes after Jaime, who does a leap frog over her, causing the lady to slam her head into the corner of the ring with a cartoon anvil sound. (Insert comedy ouch!)

Now Mad Mary is really, really pissed at Jaime and threatens "here's where you finally get squashed, cream puff!” Jaime’s like yeah whatever and warns her to stop because she doesn't want to hurt her. Mary lunges at her anyway, so Jaime breaks the rope from the ring to tie her up, spin her to the floor and then knots her up like a calf in a rodeo. I just loved the cutaway to the generic extra guy in the crowd representing "Every Male's Fantasy" who urged, "Give it to her Geronimo! Lay it on her! Give it to her! " Oh puh-leeze.

YAY Oscar and a team of agents finally arrive! At ringside, Oscar shouts for Jaime to get the delta circuit! She finds it on the floor and just as she's about to pick it up the referee raises her hand and announces Savage Sommers as the match winner! The crowd cheers, Jaime looks dazed and smiles, and Oscar salutes her. No way sorry Oscar— considering what you just put the Bionic Woman through on this assignment— I think you should BOW to her here.

In the end scene, Jaime, Oscar and April are sitting on the edge of the ring in the empty arena. After Jaime recaps for viewers any plot developments we may have missed, our attention is focused on thanking April. As a reward for her help, Oscar (at the insistence of Jaime) has arranged for April's cash downpayment.

Hooray! As a judgmental American taxpayer I totally don't mind that I just paid for April's Health Club especially since it's not going to be on this "seedy" side of town. Because I completely adored April, I googled the actress Marcia Lewis who played her, and discovered she passed away just a few years ago. And to my surprise—she lived in Brentwood, Tennessee not very far from my house. All those years I could have been standing in the same grocery check out line with Amazon April and never even realized it. I wonder if we bought the same brand of chewing gum?

So anyway Jaime tells April she could sure use a good massage after this wrestling workout. April says she's on, and then invites Mr. Goldman to partake, too. "Huh?" Oscar claims he's never been to a massage place (sure), and Jaime slaps his knee and says he's gonna love it!

As they all walk out of the arena together, Oscar worries "Well you know what happens in Washington… I mean you gotta be careful though." Um Oscar, so are you saying that you might feel a bit EMBARRASSED to be seen getting a massage?! Oh brother, Jaime, lead this man to the trunk of shame and let’s give him a wrestling costume.

FASHION HIGHLIGHTS

Three outfits in this episode. Jaime wore a 2-piece, brown & white striped, long sleeved muslin dress in the first scene. For her grunge gym, “girl next door” look, bell bottomed jeans and sandals and a short-sleeved green blouse with mauve shell patterns that she tied at her midriff. (See also the close-up of patch on her jeans). She also carried a brown & white cloth-weaved purse.

And then came the Bionic Woman’s infamous “Indian” wrestling costume. A short red suede skirt and red & yellow halter top with fringe tassels, feathers and beads in traditional Native American style. With this, she wore red leather moccasin slippers and braided hair. (Plus tomahawk accessory) Note: According to Bionic Woman aficionado James Sherrard—via an interview with stuntwoman Rita Egleston, this costume was actually designed by Bob Mackie. Many will remember Mackie as having outfitted the likes of Cher, and is probably best known for his fashion designs on The Carol Burnett Show, including the legendary “Curtain Dress” in her beloved Gone With the Wind parody skit.

I’m also breaking with tradition here and including the wardrobe from one of the “bad girls” (shock!) because I really did love this gray wool suit/skirt ensemble worn by Dr. Brandes.

Kenner toys also reportedly ordered a prototype fashion of this Native American outfit made, but it was never produced. This photo below is from the collection of Alain Tremblay, and thanks to Mr. Sherrard for pointing out this interesting bit of trivia, too.

There was also a Kenner toys Jaime’s fashion prototype outfit that was never manufactured. (Photo by Alain Tremblay.)

Bionic Blog Wars

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 09:47:01 -0500

If you happen to follow The Bionic Blonde and The Six Million Dollar Blog (@bionicblog) on Twitter, you’ve probably been noticing a little accidental subplot emerging.

There is a Bionic Blog War going on. Because it’s high time somebody settled the all-important question we used to argue about when we were kids: Which Bionic character is the MOST. AWESOME—Steve Austin or Jaime Sommers? And because Alex Green and I are both humor-based bloggers—and some would argue, certifiably insane—of course we are determined to settle this matter “intelligently.”

So with photoshop fully loaded, here are some recent examples of the arsenal we hurl back and forth at one another on the twitter battlefield—in chronological order of conversation.

The bionic competition is getting fierce out there again, kids. Naturally, I’m pretty sure The Bionic Woman is winning this by a mile. (Sorry Steve!) And please keep in mind that I adore Alex Green and have no immediate plans to stab his eyes out. Unless Twitter happens to offer that feature later on.

“Sweet Bionic Blonde, I’ll love you forever,
I know weeeeeeeeeeee’ll never part.
I love you like I’ve loved no other.
Make room for me in your blog.”

“I love you, Bionic Blonde, I’ve always loved you. But my show lasted longer than yours, nyahh nyahh.”

(Al has seriously designed a cool, digital version of the Six Million Dollar Man Board Game)

(Click here for larger image)

Anyway, so if you really really like The Six Million Dollar Man series, (whatever *eyeroll*) you should definitely follow Al’s blog here. Someday supposedly he’s planning to review The Bionic Woman episodes, too. Yeah sure we’ll see. In the meantime, the Bionic Blonde is cranking out her Bionic Woman episode reviews at a steady pace while simultaneously designing her simple-to-play board games.

Your move, Alex.

The Return of Bigfoot

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 10:27:04 -0500

EPISODE REVIEW 2x01

September 22, 1976
Dear Diary,
Mood Ring: Green

The Bionic Woman had to fight Bigfoot tonight! She was trying to get some alien's medicine to help Steve who was in the hospital. Then he got better and they helped stop a volcano with Bigfoot and it turned out he was nice. I was excited Jaime and Steve were finally together again but there was a yucky alien girl who liked Steve and I just wanted Jaime to punch her.

April 20, 2013
Dear Bionic Blondes,
Mood Ring: Hot Lava Red

Welcome to Bionic Camp, Kids! This story started out with a couple of “Secret of Bigfoots” in The Six Million Dollar Man’s 3rd season, around the time Jaime was Angel of Mercying with Andy Griffith. Steve ran into a hairy, Bigfoot monster in the woods one day and they got into a fight and he ripped the Sasquatch's arm off. But there wasn't any blood, so it turned out Bigfoot was actually a robot being operated by aliens hiding out in a cave from the planet Matching Multicolored Coveralls—which later spawned the even more terrifying technicolor “Barney and Friends.” During this original Bigfoot bonanza, Jaime made a quick, uncredited guest appearance on the episode, calling Oscar for a moment after class to ask about Steve—who had gone missing. Naturally, this was my favorite scene.

So then Steve got captured and alien-probed by the visitors, and the head alien lady named Shalon who looks like that lady from Hart to Hart kissed and flirted with Steve but of course this needed to stop. Steve saved them from an Irwin Allen-style earthquake and then Shalon erased all his memories of them so he wouldn't spill the secret of Bigfoot.

In a nutshell. It. Was. Camp. Awe. Sum. In the 70s, this Bigfoot was like the era's most memorable childhood monster—trailing only the Wizard of Oz’s Flying Monkeys and The Abominable Snowman as beasts most likely to be found hiding under your bed in the middle of the night.

As you might guess, these original Bigfoot episode ratings were bigger than his feet, so the bionic producer people decided not only would they cough up this giant hair ball again in a sequel, this time they would share him with the Bionic Woman, too! (Ok fine, but only if you agree to take one of our Fembots in the fair cheez trade!)

So tonight Bigfoot returns in Part one of the aptly named 'Return of Bigfoot Part 1' on The Six Million Dollar Man, where Jaime crossed over for a few scenes. We first see her at the bionics lab facility for her "10,000 mile checkup." She notices shirtless-Steve seems troubled as she observes him jogging from the balcony. In the next scene in the lab, she was just about to delicately Dr. Sommerize him when STOP EVERYTHING!

Steve, did we join the Mustacheer Club during summer vacation? Apparently this new crumb catcher is a topic of legendary Bionic fan debate, causing everything from outright shock to action figure rejections. What ev. I 'm an ‘either-or’ kinda gal, and I happen to like his new mustache. But does Jaime? Because that's the only opinion in the universe that really matters. And since she continued to talk to Steve without busting out laughing, I'm guessing she doesn't mind his new mustache, either. Carry on, kids…

Blast from the Cast: So our anguished Steve takes Jaime to see a footprint cast of Bigfoot in Rudy's office (um, that I guess he's been using as a paper weight?) but Steve's frustrated that he cannot remember why he is so fascinated by this plaster art. Jaime's all like, "Tell me about it. I'm the one who wrote the book on partial memory, remember?" Ahahaha! (Insert joke here about her Kindle e-book version downloading as a blank file.)

To help take Steve's mind off things, he and Jaime decide to go for another slo-mo countryside bionic jog—but without a love song this time, bummer! And for some reason, Steve has decided to skimpy down to wearing just a pair of very short shorts. Frankly, I have no memory of what happened after this.

WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG TO BRING YOU A SPECIAL NEWS REPORT.
If there is a handsome prince out there who happens to have a glass slipper that fits this foot, --->
please contact Big Cinderella ASAP. Thank you.
We now return you to our show already in progress.

So where were we? Oh yeah, an alien named Gillian, henceforth known as Gill-alien, played by perky Sandy Duncan, is watching Jaime and Steve bionic run, and keeps pressing some remote control and disappearing in and out of fields and under trees. Steve stops and tells Jaime he suddenly remembers running with another woman. Go for it, Jaime. The perfect set up.

"Steve there's just not any other women you run around with… at least not bionically, anyway!"
–Jaime Sommers, who has obviously been keeping tabs on Steve's series and dating record.

But hark, Jaime thinks she hears something so Steve bionic-zooms in on a hill, spots Gill-alien, but conceals that from Jaime and says there's nobody there. Liar! No wonder your nose hair—I mean mustache—keeps growing.

Anyway Gill-alien visits Steve at his home that night and ordinarily I'd continue with the plot here about how she zaps all his memories back on the previous Bigfoot episodes, but I'm sorry I am completely taken by surprise at how this dining room, fireplace and den in Steve's bachelor pad Victorian house looks EXACTLY like his mother’s at her ranch house in Ojai. Right down to the very same lamps, sofa upholstery pattern, nic nacs and identical family pictures. He even cloned Jaime's first tennis racket that Chris admired in Jaime's Mother. Because another one is sitting right there on Steve's shelf in the very same spot. I am not making this up!

Steve’s Home Away From Home: I find this revelation oddly disturbing. Is poor Steve so homesick that he ordered an exact replica of momma's den, including her collection of pictures and trophies? Did that kitchen wallpaper mistake last year drive him over the HGTV edge? Or even more scary—did Helen offer to come arrange his house for him and have absolutely NO other decorating ideas? (Because Helen you really need to be on Pinterest, honey. Ima set you up.)

OMG this is now my favorite scene of the entire episode because I refuse to accept this as a recycled studio set, when it's so much more interesting as a lead character's emotional cry for help. How could I have missed this dark plot dimension? The real monster in this episode lurks within! But I think we’ll skip making Steve an appointment with Dr. Sommers about these worrisome mother’s nest issues, because I’m afraid she may decide not to marry a guy with this kind of baggage.

While I was rolling on the floor laughing in Steve's deju vu-den, Bigfoot returned to some facility to steal supplies for their alien colony and Steve tried to stop him but got busted for the break in himself because he was the only suspect on the premises strong enough to break all these things.

Behind Closed Doors: The next day Jaime bionic-eavesdrops outside Rudy’s office while Steve tells Oscar and Rudy about the story thus far plus the alien's "Neotraxin" wonder drug. (A clever product placement from Pfizer, but we'll soon find out it's not available without a PfShalon prescription.)

When Oscar tells Steve sorry pal he's under house arrest, Steve bionically escapes off the same balcony Max the dog did in the future and goes off to solve the case himself. I love how Jaime just continues to loiter outside the door and doesn't even attempt to go after Steve because whatever, it's his show and it's time for her to go on break. But then Steve gets hurt a few scenes later trying to fight Bigfoot again and winds up seriously injured in the ER.

Jaime apparently spent her scenes off wisely by wardrobe shopping, and arrives at the hospital in this FABULOUS solid black, zippered jumpsuit. She and Oscar discuss Steve's wild tabloid claims about aliens but Jaime decides to believe his unbelievable grocery check-out line story.

Rudy interrupts with the bad news that Steve's in seriously critical condition. His nuclear bionic power packs have burst and he took a severe dose of radiation. (Hmm, no wonder Jaime dodged Steve's request to talk about having [3-headed] kids in Bionic Ever After.) Rudy doesn't think Steve will live another 24 hours.

NOOOOOOO! <--should I add more o’s to this?

Jaime is granted permission to see Steve privately on his death bed and throws on one of those green surgical gowns I guess so none of that radiation rubs off on her.

Captain Hook: Oh looky, it's pirate Steve! Now sporting a black patch over his bionic eye while he's nearly practically unconscious. But of course the moment his beloved Jaime arrives by his bedside he wakes up from his coma. With her bionic ear, Jaime can hear him whisper sweet somethings. And if I wasn't confused enough with Steve's new mustache and Pirate of the Caribbean look, now he suddenly starts speaking like Tonto.

Proceed, Keemosabe!

"Many will die unless we find Shalon. She help maybe stop them."

Jaime, with tears streaming down her cheeks, of course is thinking screw this trampy Shalon b*tch, and asks Steve where this wonder drug is he was talking about earlier and if she found it could it save him?

Steve mutters, "Fault line. San Angelo… Jaime beware of the Sasquatch. Much stronger than we are. Hurry Jaime not… much.. time." Then Steve passes out, and a grief-stricken Jaime folds her hands in prayer. Oh no, can she find a way to save the man (she forgot she) loves in time?!

CUT!!! That's a wrap. Yeah Rudy we know you said Steve only had 24 hours but sorry he's gonna have to hold on for at least 3 more days while Jaime waits for her big season premiere show night. Maybe you can spend those extra days rearranging Steve's den a little? I'm sure Helen won't mind if you move her couch cushions by just a smidge.

Mood Ring: As jet black as Jaime’s jumpsuit right now. But I think it’s brill that she already came dressed for the funeral just in case Steve didn’t make it.

We now welcome you to The Return of Bigfoot Part 2 on the Bionic Woman!

Woohoo this is OUR party now! Kids, gather your Bionic Blonde supplies for battling Bigfoot.: These include wine in a box, Frontline® flea and tick repellent, plus a lint brush for any Sasquatch fur that might rub off because black wardrobe is like the WORST for showing pet hair. We will begin tonight by practicing our favorite Princess Leia line:

WILL SOMEBODY GET THIS BIG WALKING CARPET OUTTA MY WAY?

Ready, set, growwwwwwwlll!

After scenes from last week, here come The Bionic Woman’s new opening credits and boys and girls we have a major breaking news update: Jaime Sommers has just turned 28 in her OSI file data!! In lieu of birthday presents, please send a donation to your local humane shelter to support disadvantaged furry animals with tiny feet who lack the ability to walk upright like tonight's guest. There are also some other subtle changes to the 2nd season opening credits—including adding Martin E. Brooks to the cast (Yay!) and taking out that lovely, serene photo of Jaime hanging loose on the beach at sunset. (Boo!)

Copter Cue: The Bionic Woman was right on time for season 2 tonight, hovering in a helicopter near the California fault line that Tonto, I mean Steve, whispered about earlier—determined to find the wonder drug to save her bionic beloved.

While she's wearing seriously huge radio headphones talking to Oscar and getting a grim update on Steve's condition, meanwhile in the tropic of Mexico a band of aliens from the planet Matching Multicolored Coveralls, is complaining about the heat and humidity. (Geez spend a couple summers in Tennessee and suffer with the rest of us.) They have run away from their California home and are working on building their own evil base in a cave underneath a volcano.

Jaime can't see anything from the air so she tells Oscar she's "gonna hoof it" and then she has Rita jump out of the hovering helicopter for her (COOL!) in her gorgeous black jumpsuit. Unfortunately Jaime is being live-monitored by the alien compound from Mexico on a new cable network that has bucked the standard 16x9 HD screen format and opted for the groovier hexagonal screen dimension. (This is SO going to complicate the showrooms at Best Buy.)

The purple coverall alien guy named Nedlick (Ima nickname him Netflix because it’s easier for me to remember) plus his celebrity sidekick Bigfoot press their little Beam Me Up Scotty® TLC time line converters that beep and transport them instantaneously to the California woods where the Bionic Woman was just located, because it’s time for the Beauty to meet the Beast!

Jaime decides to start by just shouting for "Shalon!" and stops to listen bionically for a response in the woods. Ut oh, she begins to hear the Jurassic Park ground rumble and remarks, "Well if that's Shalon, she sure has big feet." Ahahah! Then it suddenly registers with Jaime what may be approaching. "Oh no" is right. Gulp.

GUUUURL? RUN!!!!

Jaime and the King... Kong: Bigfoot knocks over a tree in the clearing and the furry beast reveals himself with a grand entrance, growling mightily. Jaime's jaw drops. "Oh boy, Steve said you were big, but this is ridiculous!" We agree. He's giant and hairy and has creepy white eyes and judging from the appearance of his yellow teeth, really bad breath, too.

But when he first catches sight of Jaime, he stops in his tracks and stares and does one of those doggie head tilts, and begins to flash back to Shalon—the object of his canine crush, and from whom he has been recently separated. However, his Purple alien boss Netflix radio-commands him to attack, so Bigfoot obediently lunges for Jaime. She bionic jumps over his head and then mistakenly attempts to reason with him, because so far he’s done nothing but grunt and drool, so of course he probably speaks English.

"Now listen, I didn't come out here to hurt you. Can we just talk?" Growwwl, grrrrrrr.

He lunges for her again and she defensively bionic-pushes him out of the way. I'm giving her 500 points for colossal bravery here. Unlike Steve, who seems to rather enjoy wrestling with this tick-ridden adversary, Jaime's style is to skillfully dodge and avoid. This way, you don't break a nail.

Jaime suddenly spots the Purple Netflix guy watching from a hill. "Hey! You with him?! …Call him off me, will ya?"

Bigfoot bats away a boulder that Jaime's been trying to chicken-hide behind, and she falls during her backpedal retreat. But she manages to grab and bionic toss a giant rock at him while the alien turns up the annoyance dial for Sasquatch to attack harder. (This screeching radio wave hurts Jaime's ear, too.) Bigfoot throws the boulder back at Jaime and she smashes it in two with her bionic arm. WooHoo, you ROCK, sistah. 250 Points!

To escape this flea bag, Jaime jumps like 30 feet up into the top of a tree. But the Grrrrrrring Bigfoot begins shaking the trunk violently and TIMBER! knocks Jaime out of it just before it falls to the ground. I love her drop and somersault roll landing, so I’m going to award her another 100 points for this, even though she’s clearly getting her butt kicked here.

Suddenly Gill-alien materializes using a stolen Beam Me Up Scotty® remote and tells Jaime to take her hand quickly, and boom, they disappear. A second later they reemerge in a dark cave and Jaime's like hey this is happening too fast and who the hell are you anyway, and OMFG I just got in a fight with the urban-legendary, mother-effin’ Bigfoot do you happen to have a lint brush on you I could borrow? And also a camera? Because this could TOTALLY get me on Oprah.

Gill-alien says she's taking Jaime to her people. "Isn't that what you want?" Sheesh, yeah I guess. Touchy aren't we? Then they reach a spinning, space agey, glacierized LSD trip tunnel that serves as the welcome mat entrance to their alien compound because every house needs a little curb appeal, don't you think? Wipe your feet, earthlings!

And then the camera freezes on Jaime, with a face that I would describe as "WTF am I doing in this National Enquirer episode?" kind of expression. Because remember the good ole days when The Bionic Woman was essentially doing a relatively believable, secret agent mission television drama before the cat stepped on the remote and suddenly switched us to the Syfy channel?

And then I think what may have actually happened next is Jaime threw up from the dizzying effect of the spinning Universal tour tunnel, so they had to abruptly stop here for commercial and carry her to the other side.

Monster, Inc: On the ten cent alien cave tour, Jaime learns that the Purple Netflix bad guy wanted to spin off from the alien tribe and had Sasquatch destroy this original complex and many of their people are dying from the effects of the radiation. They lost their power converter, so Jaime offers to be a utility crew dispatch and bionic cranks some kind of generator for them. (Oh yeah, this girl’s pumped a keg or two in her day.) This good samaritan gesture apparently successfully earns her a take-me-to-your-leader meeting with the alien CEO, Shalon, played by Stephanie Powers.

In Shalon's corporate office, Jaime politely reaches out her hand to introduce herself but the lady interrupts and says she already knows she's "Jaime Sommers, the Bionic Woman, I remember…" because of her invasive alien probe brain scans last year on Steve.

I SO love Jaime's shocked face here when Shalon informs her that Steve "has very fond thoughts of you." Oh my. Awkward. (Um, so like were these thoughts with or without us wearing a wardrobe?)

Shalon is glad Jaime came to help them. But Jaime's like ha no way, I came to get YOUR help, and breaks into little tears while she explains that Steve is dying and she needs their wonder drug to save him.

With orders to deliver it to Steve, Shalon immediately hands over her last Neotraxin dose to Gill-alien—who is unaware that Shalon is also radiation-sick, and in doing so, may have just sacrificed her own chance of recovery.

Jaime says thanks! Buh bye. But wait, here comes the trade agreement in return for sharing her prescription drugs which boys and girls you should NEVER do. Shalon wants Jaime to help stop the bad alien guys for her. Damn, I knew there was gonna be a catch.

Drill Baby Drill. Using a google style topography map, Shalon explains these coveralled idiots in dissenting colors are messing with a volcanic vent in Mexico to harness their power for a magnetic shield, and if they drill too far it could cause a major California coast geological disaster plus tidal waves thereby resulting in the cancellation of Dancing with the Stars. For the sake of your people and mine, we must stop them!

Crap lady, don't lay this save the world stuff on Jaime because her conscience won't allow her to say no to matters of widespread human suffering. However, Jaime respectfully asks for ransom assurance.

"You'll take care of Steve, right?"

Okay, then deal. But just when I thought things were all pleasantville, Shalon adds,

"Steve means as much to me as he does to you, Jaime."

Okay b*tch this is war. I was gonna try to spare Jaime from finding out you came onto Steve and kissed him like THREE times in those Bigfoot episodes last year, despite your unscrupulous knowledge that he was still sweet on Jaime Sommers. And now you're gonna flaunt this suggestion of an affair right in front of her? Here Jaime, since they rudely never bothered to offer you one, allow me to just toss my drink into this bimbo’s face.

*wipes TV screen* Fine, Shalon you just sit in your shiny corporate space agey office and watch the Bionic Woman kick ass on your hexagonal TV while you continue to doodle these little maze thingys strewn about your desk because WTF are these anyway?! Do you sell them as alien arts & crafts on Etsy?

Beam Me Down, Scotty: Gill-alien clicks her transformer remote and drops Jaime off at the Mexican Volcano. (Which I just realized sounds like a name for a spicy margarita. I should trademark this.) But then Gill-alien zaps her exit to go deliver Steve his medicine before Jaime has a chance to ask her the all-important question, "Well, how do I get home?" (Try clicking your bionic heels later.)

Jaime doesn't get very far in this tropical locale before she's met by Purple dude Netflix and Bigfoot for another showdown. So Jaime's like don't forget this Part 2 is on the non-confrontational bionic series™, and decides to just fake a fall from one little skirmish with Bigfoot and plays unconscious so they will take her hostage directly inside their compound. That was easy.

Meanwhile in Steve's hospital room, Gill-alien arrives and tries to report his vital sign scans to Shalon but is interrupted by Rudy and Oscar, so she has to disappear before she can administer the drug. Times a wastin'! And now Jaime is locked in a cave jail cell but can't bend the bars to escape because it's made of some kind of extra strength material. Subsequently, a curious Bigfoot approaches to visit her in this alien dungeon.

Jaime attempts to engage Bigfoot in a conversation with grim news about Shalon—because by now she knows this woman is his only weakness in like a King Kong-Fay Wray kind of way. Bigfoot starts to look confused. Then unfortunately they get interrupted and he has to leave to go help Netflix lift something heavy and I love how Jaime hauls off in frustration and just slams the cell door. (Refresh page for animated gif -->)

Finally, Oscar and Rudy leave Steve's hospital room, enabling Gill-alien to return and finish his Neotraxin treatment at body points determined by Pharmacist Shalon: "14, 27 and 6" Congratulations Steve, you just won the Daily Pick-3 radiation reversal lotto!

Since it worked like a charm in The Jailing of Jaime, our Bionic Woman decides to physically break through the stone walls of her jail cell while the volcano above begins to erupt out of control. A seismic event that's now being priority-monitored by Dr. Rudy Wells, too—who has transitioned down the hall from Steve's lead physician to head of the U.S. geology and seismic activity department without even having to change his white lab coat.

Yay Steve finally awakens and he feels great! Gill-alien fills him in on all the "While you were Sleeping" details, and says Jaime needs his help. I love how Steve peeks under his blanket and informs Gill-alien he's gonna need a pair of pants first. Haha O c'mon Steve, you’re about to travel to the tropics. Wardrobe, bring him back those shorts!

Boom kabloom, the volcano continues to erupt. And by now Jaime's black pantsuit is a dusty mess, but she finally finishes kicking out the last of the cave wall and escapes. Steve and Gill-alien beam directly to the Mexican jungle whereupon he immediately gets in yet another fight with Bigfoot. (Shhh, don't tell him Jaime's video game secret about just playing dead to get to the next level.)

Grrrrrrr. Just as Steve was about to get crushed by a boulder, Jaime grabs the walkie talkie from Netflix in the cave and radios to Bigfoot in a much kinder, softer voice. She tells him nobody's gonna hurt his precious Shalon so he doesn't have to follow these kill orders anymore. As if there was ever any doubt, the future Dr. Sommers manages to instantly transform Bigfoot into a purring kitten, who then reaches down to help Steve get up. Enemies no more. Yay, the Bionic Woman tamed the beast!

Oops Jaime's now being chased by the entire alien coverall gang and her exit is blocked! She stops in a tunnel to call the Bigfoot radio hotline again. "Steve? Sasquatch? Somebody better come help me, I'm not too popular right now!"

Just when Jaime gets completely surrounded by bad guys in the big control room, hooray Steve and Bigfoot arrive to save the day. They start tossing aliens against the cave walls, and then the poor Yellow coverall alien guy—who obviously drew the short straw—gets the triple play treatment. Jaime tosses him to Steve who tosses him to Bigfoot who slams him against the wall. Dude, I am SO sorry you got the cartoon takedown.

But wait there's one more. Sasquatch grabs his #1 enemy Purple Netflix and attempts to bear hug crush him to death, while both Steve and Jaime plead with him not to kill the villain because then his guts would squirt everywhere and they'd lose their family-friendly TV-G rating. But then the volcano blows again for like the umpteenth first time all over again, so Bigfoot drops killing the guy because they all need to rush over to check the thermometer to see if the entire pacific coast is going to explode or quake or something.

The Magenta alien scientist guy warns everybody to abandon ship, but Steve vetoes and wants to see if they can stop the volcano. Jaime, who by now has accepted she's stuck in a Star Trek episode, asks if they happen to have any technology that might cool off the volcano or harden the lava or get us all to the end credits sooner. Steve makes the connection that only time could cool it off, and points to their transformer thingy. Jaime clarifies, "It can move anything it touches faster through time, right?" Bingo! Let's speed-cool the lava to stop the eruption by tossing one of these TLC props into the volcano!

Steve and Jaime are outta there, because It's time to run up volcano mountain holding hands. Woo hoo! But as they ascend closer to the top, the lava heat becomes too intense and eventually Jaime realizes she's too young to be experiencing premature hot flashes like this. So she hands the remote to Steve who marches upward for the second leg of the relay. But then he's soon overcome with extreme heat, too… and just when he's about to try to throw a hail Mary into the volcano anyway, Bigfoot arrives and grabs it out of his hand. He'll take it from here, Steve.

Joe vs. the Volcano: Bigfoot climbs the mountain a little higher and hurls the device into the erupting volcano. Jackpot! Angry Bigfoot Score: 1000 points!! As science-fictionally predicted, the spewing lava slows down and cools. Except that poor Bigfoot—who inappropriately chose to wear a fur coat for this mission—drops to the ground overcome from severe heat exhaustion.

Steve and Jaime rush to his side. But whew, Bigfoot regains robot consciousness, causing Steve and Jaime to smile and share a tender moment of yay we team-saved-the-world relief. Don't you just heart happy endings?

Next the good aliens round up the bad aliens to face the alien courts. They get their full miracle Neotraxin medicine supply back, but sadly, too late to save Shalon, who is clinging to life locked in super-slow time mode in one of those foreshadowing Ripley hyper-sleep space pods. Bigfoot mourns by her pod side while it is explained that Shalon needs more serious medical treatment, so they are waiting for their mothership to return in 100 years. Unless they booked JetBlue because then good luck with that.

Green coverall alien guy graciously invites “Colonel Austin and Miss Sommers” to remain with them because their bionic abilities are "much more of the future than of this age." (Besides, don't you wanna wear these brightly colored coveralls every day like us, too?) Jaime and Steve sorta look at each other like they're seriously considering it, but then they keep glancing back at Shalon, too. I wonder what their thought bubbles are thinking here?

Jaime: "What... and permanently live with his b*itch who has the hots for my BF?"

Steve: "Cool, and live with two women who have the hots for me? Sign me up!"

Thanks for the Memories: Fortunately our bionic power couple politely declines the offer to live in this dark cavern till the end of time and are escorted out the front door—back through the LSD trippy tunnel again. Jaime thanks their hosts for allowing them to keep their memories of this episode. (Um by any chance can your fix her other lost episode memories, too?) Then Steve wants them to be sure to tell Shalon that he won't forget her, either. (Uh Steve? Jaime's standing right there!!! Will you people stop rubbing this ‘affair’ in her face?)

Jaime turns to Bigfoot and tells him he gets a "big bionic hug" which results in one final augmentation of pet fur on her wardrobe. Then Bigfoot gives Steve a manly pat on the shoulder. Because you know. Guyz. Steve and Jaime turn and hold hands as they walk out the tunnel and muse about what it might be like “to wake up in a new century.”

Well, why don’t we find the answer for Jaime and Steve right here and now? ...said the crazy woman typing this blog who grabbed her iPad and punched a button.

Siri, what’s it like to wake up in a new century?

“I’m on it. Would you like me to search the web?”
Yes.
“That’s what I thought.”
Duh.
Here were Siri’s Top 5 search results for what it’s like to wake up in a new century:

1. Wake (as in funeral ceremony) Yeah okay let’s hold this for Shalon.
2. What’s it like to Wake Up from a Tea Party Binge? Ahahah! (See Sarah Palin.)
3. Peak Everything: Waking up to the Century of Declines Now that’s depressing
4. Waking Life (2001) Animation flick, never mind
5. Seventeen Ways to Wake Up Feeling Fresh in the Morning I’m guessing the first 16 don’t involve Bigfoot encounters.

Final Tally: Mood ring: Your Bionic average Blue. These episodes are fun camp classics, but I think are probably my least fave of the series crossovers. Realistically, there are few examples in film or television where a sequel ever lived up to the original. Bigfoot's first dramatic debut on The Six Million Dollar Man will forever remain more popular with bionic fans. (Just as the shock-and-awe of facing the untrodden Fembots in Kill Oscar always outrank their Fembots in Vegas return.) I went back to watch the original Secret of Bigfoot eps, and indeed, the monster and overall tone was much scarier the first time around. Here, he seemed to be placed on sedatives so he wouldn't cause kids to run screaming from the room this time.

Alienated: And then you had that whole extra level of HELLO? aliens from another planet here, yet Steve and Jaime didn't seem the slightest bit fazed by this mind-blowing, life-altering revelation. They couldn't even feign a "wow this kinda changes everything we knew about the universe. AND oh, we kinda just found Bigfoot, too." Admittedly, I'm not a big science fiction fan. If I'm gonna go "there," I prefer to be taken through the shocking discovery process. The last time I truly enjoyed watching an alien story, they were exploding out of people's chests and Ripley was driving over them in an army tank. These aliens here came dressed for a color-safe Clorox2® laundry commercial and spoke English better than I do. (Or is it ‘better than I’? See what I mean?)

And finally in the department of romance—after coming off our last Jaime and Steve crossover episode in the amazingly epic Deadly Missiles, apparently my expectations were a bit too high that they might spend a little of this precious network crossover time to advance the Ausommers relationship a little more. Instead, we got un-welcomed Shalon interference and very little character affection that seemed to take their whole relationship semi-backwards. Is it too much to ask that you crazy kids sneak in a little romance in-between all these aliens, monsters and saving the world stuff? Sigh. At least they’ll get this one better while they’re being chased by Fembots later.

FASHION HIGHLIGHTS

For such a sweeping 2-parter, I kinda felt cheated that we only got 3 wardrobe changes for Jaime. On the jog with Steve, Jaime wore some casual dark knit slacks and a long-sleeved, white pullover shirt with some sort of caricature design on the front. (I was unable to get close enough to see what it was.) While eavesdropping, she had on bell-bottomed jeans and a light blue striped blouse with a tan belt at the waist. Then at the end of Part 1 and for all of Part 2, her iconic, quarter length-sleeved, solid black jumpsuit with a zippered front and matching black belt that I positively adore. She also wore a gold neck chain and bracelet, but no enneagram necklace this time.

Welcome to Bionic Blonde. A no-nonsense blog site for people who *heart* Jaime Sommers, the original Bionic Woman

Assault on the Princess

In This Corner, Jaime Sommers

Bionic Blog Wars

The Return of Bigfoot

Welcome to Bionic Blonde.  A no-nonsense blog site for people who heart  Jaime Sommers, the original Bionic Woman