Deadly Ringer (Part 1)

SCORE: 4 out of 4 Tennis Balls

February 2, 1977

Dear Diary,

Mood Ring: Black

That mean Lisa Galloway lady came back and stole Jaime's life and her job. She got Jaime locked in jail but nobody would believe her real name and she cried really hard. But at the end she broke free! I can't wait for next week when she catches up with Lisa and takes her clothes back.

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Deadly Ringer (Part 1)

THE BIONIC WOMAN 2x15

LOCKUP RAW

Tonight Lisa Galloway returns,

and this time she wins awards for Best Cosplay of the Bionic Woman..

January 29, 2014

Dear Bionic Blondes,

Mood Ring: Melancholy Blue

Honey Lambs, sheeee's baaaack! Our favorite Southern belle from Mirror Image who blatantly steals identities that we so love to hate dislike detest misunderstand abhor loathe adore curse pity returns. Which is exactly the re-verberating problem. This time, Ms. Wagner brilliantly plays Lisa Galloway like someone we actually start to have mushy FEELINGS about.

These episodes are widely believed to be the performance that earned Lindsay Wagner the Emmy for Best Actress in a drama in 1977. With some emotionally crafty, rip your heart out scenes that—just as in On the Run—force me to temporarily end the Bionic Blonde party and OMG everything.

For tonight's viewing supplies, I recommend having about 15 pounds of chocolate on standby. We're planning to be severely depressed. Generous rounds of Martini's of course, and fix yourself a baloney sandwich with cheese but whatever you do don't eat it, just stuff it down your shirt. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. (It's like garlic that wards off evil twins.) And may as well forget wearing your mood ring tonight, because they make you surrender your jewelry when you go to jail. Oops should I have included a spoiler alert with that?

Home Sweet Carriage House Home: Our first scene finds the Bionic Woman perfectly on time, for a delightfully calm Ojai evening INTENSELY relaxing at her Carriage house apartment. It's so wonderful to get a peek into what Jaime Sommers does in her spare time when she isn't grading school papers or battling Bigfoot.

Apparently her routine for unwinding involves a cozy fire, a generic jazzy stock music LP softly playing on the stereo, a cup of some kind of warm, snuggly beverage (my money's on an herbal lavender tea with a shot of whiskey)—all while she diligently works on some needlepoint thingy. I especially love this pair of silver-framed "Mrs. Beasley" granny glasses she' wearing. Google her. Amiright?

Sigh. Why does it not surprise me that our Bionic Betty Crocker also possesses handcrafty skills where she needles things, too? (Next week: Quilting Hour with Helen!) A close up of Jaime's sewing shows a cute flower border with the emerging text message TO YOUR OWN SELF BE TRUE. Meanwhile, I'm loving her Official Relaxation Wardrobe™ comprised of a red silk blouse, baggy tapered harem pants, and some sort of rope-ish choke collar around her neck that I bet she handcrafts herself and sells on Etsy.

WE INTERRUPT THIS PERFECT MARTHA STEWART LIVING ZEN MOMENT with a Men in Black invasion. Two bad guys manage to drive up bionic-hearing-undetected in a black sedan, sneak over to the carriage house door and insert a hose from a little spray tank to release some kind of sedative vapor.

Within seconds, this little tank manages to completely engulf all bajillion cubic feet of this 2-story barn and renders Jaime blurry eyed and sleepy. (Apologies to any horses on the lower level who now think they're unicorns.) She decides this needlethingy is tiring work, removes her glasses….and ZzzzzONK. (Wow, I'd like this Tiny Tank Exterminating Company to come bug bomb my house.) With Jaime suddenly passed out in la-la land, the men enter her apartment and carry her off into the darkness of night.

Planes, Jaimes and Automobiles. Next we see a little private jet landing somewhere on a dark airport runway, where a silver panel van pulls up and they load the unconscious Jaime into the back.

Then suddenly we cut to a prison hallway, where Frau Frightening, the wicked prison guard, unlocks a cell door to release…. Jaime? Not wait, that's Jaime's nasty look-a-like, Lisa Galloway. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Lisa drags on a cigarette and barks at the Frau "Just get me outta here." The two race outside towards the van, where Galloway is instructed to change into Jaime's wardrobe and has an Ojai flight waiting for her at the airport. Then the Frau and Assistant Boy Frau carry unconscious Jaime—now wearing Lisa's bland blue prison clothes— and place her back in the cell. "Welcome to the penitentiary, Jaime," The Frau hisses. (I bet she makes her living as a Wal-mart Greeter today.)

With her get out of jail free card, Galloway catches the complimentary shuttle back to the airport and is greeted by a man on the tarmac by his ConAir™ private jet. Hey, it's Dr. Courtney, the same evil plastic surgeon from last time. Wasn't he brought to justice and sent to jail, too? WTF. Lisa appears to have the same blip of wonderment, but first things first.

"My, Dr. Cawtney y'all travel in style these days. Ya gotta cigarette on ya, shugah?"

In the weeks leading up to her jail bust, Lisa regales she has been pretending to have a full-blown Jaime Sommers identity crisis and has even fooled the prison psychiatrist. With her additional character study (and conveniently close relationship with Ms. Wagner), she now claims to know Jaime inside and out, and is confident she can fool her family. But how EVER is she to fake Jaime's mysterious super heroine strength? Because remember that time they had that episode Parent Trap look-a-like showdown and Jaime jumped waaaay up to the ceiling? Lisa G. still has her looks, but she showww doesn't have her moves.

No prob. Courtney hands her a vile with some kind of silly putty looking substance in it and announces he has found the secret of Jaime Sommers' strength: "Adrenalizine." Ahahaha, I love Lisa's comeback line,

TIME FOR STORYTELLING HOUR So then the doc goes into story exposition mode while they are seated in the jet, explaining how he got himself assigned to work in a medical lab instead of folding prison laundry, where they happened to be Nazi-testing some "plastic compound" from the OSI labs on volunteer prisoners.

We interrupt this episode to note the curious use of "plastic" in the description of this compound. Lisa Galloway relied on plastic surgery to look like Jaime, now she needs plastic drugs to achieve her might. These artificial synonymies are kinda brill.

Courtney explains that like an evangelical faith healer, this Adrenalizine, when swallowed, made a paralyzed man get up out of his wheelchair and stagger across the room like Frankenstein. So Dr. Courtney stole some and ate it and turned incredible hulkish and bent the prison bars and he escaped. Then like any enhancement drug (sexual or otherwise), at the end he felt clinically obligated to note the effects wear off after only 30 minutes. So ask your doctor if Adrenalizine is right for you.

Surely since this used chewing gum-looking stuff (so carelessly and for the convenience of plot) came directly from Dr. Wells' lab, it probably must work like Popeye's spinach… and what Jaime Sommers eats to get so amazingly strong.

But unfortunately he only has a teeny-tiny amount left, so Galloway's deadly ringer assignment is to steal more from the OSI so they can sell it to foreign buyers. Because, as he devilishly notes, can you imagine how powerful an entire army pumped up on Adrenalizine could be? OH LISA THIS EVIL EVIL BAD GIRL LOOK YOU HAVE HERE. Just STOP it because you're scaring me.

It's A Wonderful Life: Lisa soon arrives in Ojai and gains immediate VIP access to Jaime's Carriage house on the Universal Studios lot. While prancing around, she remarks the place is beautiful and even nicer than the photos! "A REEEAL BRAAASSS BED?" she drawls. And then she bounces on it like a kid. Security, get this crazy stalker fan off the set!

Talk about attention deficit… Lisa turns positively giddy about the fireplace and races over to stoke the wood to get the fire going again. Then oh look, a needlepoint thingy, so she grabs that and Jaime's granny glasses and I love how she just steps on the sofa, and plunks down to begin playing needlepoint. (Please nobody show her the Bionic Beauty Salon or other Kenner accessories sold separately.)

For Lisa, this needlepoint text message Jaime left her completely loses its cautionary meaning "TO YOUR OWN SELF BE TRUE," as she shrugs her shoulders in a whatev kinda way, than glances over lovingly at her homey hearth with her warm fuzzies fire in her fabulous Carriage House Crib. Like a true fan girl, she's totally jazzed because WOO HOO I'M COSPLAYING THE BIONIC WOMAN NOW!!

Don’t touch that dial! We’ll be right back after these messages.

How Do I Hit The Snooze In This Joint? The wake up alarm bell at San Quentin goes off. Really loud. Jaime awakens and opens her eyes and tries to make out her surroundings. Um hey this isn't my brass bed. What these aren't my jammies.

I totally love the way director Alan J. Levi pulls an all-out Alfred Hitchcock here with dramatic lighting and slanty camera angles. You almost get dizzy watching Jaime rise up in bed. She recognizes a photo of Galloway's boyfriend hanging over the sink and then has a few flashbacks to last season's Mirror Image. NO NO NOT THAT KMART DRESS AGAIN! Jaime instantly realizes she's been kidnapped and switcharoo'd and is now serving Lisa Galloway's prison sentence.

Oh no prob... here let me just point this out to management. Jaime walks over to the bars and calls out for the guard, but her cell mate next door meanly mocks her. The Evil Frau comes over and OMG I was not prepared for Jaime to reprise her terribly sad puppy dog, I've Been Abandoned in a Kennel Face™ again from The Jailing of Jaime. (Where, as you might recall, she also signed a contract stating she agreed to be incarcerated at least once per season.) So this plot surprises you, dear?

Jaime tries to explain she's the authentically REAL Jaime Sommers and requests they call Oscar Goldman at the OSI. The Frau addresses her as "Lisa" and orders her to "take it easy," causing Jaime to switch to Plan B and demand to see the warden. The Frau rudely walks away, whereupon Jaime shouts back, "I'm NOT Lisa, I'm Jaime Sommers!" And then she regresses to her stunned, OMG I Really Am Wrongfully Incarcerated™ face, followed by a cell block door slam echo as they cut to commercial. Translation: Guurl, I hope you like tattoos.

Meanwhile back at Jaime's Carriage Fun House—where I have just begun to notice that the music always changes to some child-like, horror movie melody whenever Lisa Galloway appears. I love how she has a cigarette dangling from her mouth while she's digging thru Jaime's dresser drawers. Hey I recognize the red plaid Santa shirt from Jaime's Shield. —haphazardly crammed in the same drawer with like scarves and panty hose. (Jaime hun my doppelgänger and I took a vote and decided you need a professional closet organizing consultant.)

Anyway, Lisa's supposedly trying to find Jaime's drug stash of Adrenalizine. However I'm more focused on the fact Jaime's wardrobe cabinet is left wide open, where I swear there are like two dozen Jaime's Jammies™ nightshirts very neatly hanging inside. Naturally, THESE get wrinkle-free hangers while the rest of her series wardrobe gets smashed in her disorderly dresser drawers. It's slightly possible that some of these are also souvenir men’s shirts she has collected from her Not!Steves, given that none of them are beige.

During her search Lisa stumbles across Jaime's scrapbook. We know this because it is clearly marked with the title "This Scrapbook belongs to * JAIME SOMMERS" Undoubtedly, this asterisk designates the disclaimer *you must wear the official blue striped scrapbook robe when viewing this. Because no kidding, she is wearing this exact same robe in Welcome Home Jaime—when she and Helen perused Steve's scrapbook that was naturally all about Jaime.

Oh goody, so what does Jaime's official scrapbook contain? Unfortunately a bunch of retweets from earlier photos and clippings, but there is a new, dried corsage "Aladin's Lamp" prom theme memory page that causes Lisa to remark "Yuk!" Well aside from that entry, her fantastically wonderful life inspires Lisa to recall Dr. Courtney coaching her "Remember, you ARE Jaime Sommers," and just as she decides to quit smoking and smash out her cigarette, there's a knock at the door downstairs. Oops, hide the ashtray!

IT'S DADDY-O!! (Who is apparently still speaking to Jaime and her Shield after she totaled his truck.) Jim Elgin says he heard a car come in late last night (well thank god his bionic hearing works) and did she know her door has been forced open? Lisa skillfully segues into Teenage Cover Excuse mode and claims she came in late and accidentally locked herself out.

Sniff sniff, now Daddy-O thinks he smells smoke, but oh that—Lisa lies that she was just starting a fire in the fireplace. Jim taps his nose while apologizing, "I don't mean to be nosey.." Quick Lisa you MUST do a Jaime EYEROLL here whenever your guardian-parents and/or Oscar embarrass you with lame puns like this. But instead, Lisa says it's nice to know someone cares.. in a way that sounds like she almost even means it. Nah, I'm sure I'm just vodka-hallucinating.

Jim glances down at his watch and says "Hey, you better hurry, you'll be late for school." School? Oh yeah um Jaime's face-a-like forgot she was supposed to be a teacher. <--- and this my friends is why everybody was completely fooled she was Jaime Sommers. Lisa Galloway has Her Tardiness down.

UGH Monday Morning. Finally, we return to the real Jaime (now designated by the Twitter √ check verified account) who is unfortunately doing hard time like the rest of us do in our blue collar shirts every Monday.

The prisoners' doors open for them to line up for daily exercise. Jaime files into line with the others (I love her newly adopted, badass convict posturing). Someone shouts "Galloway!" but Jaime doesn't respond, so the Frau threatens to put her in solitary if she continues to act like um… what, an inmate?

And then she suddenly grabs Jaime and says c'mon they're gonna go see the warden. "It's about time!” Jaime snaps back. Woohoo! 50 Angry Jail Bird Points for you, sistah.

Ring Ring, there goes the school bell at the air base. Lisa arrives for class in one of Jaime's nice burgundy-brown dresses and opens her notebook to quick-study the seating chart. She identifies "Jody" raising her hand, who wants to know why Miss Sommers isn't having them put their desks into her signature class circle formation.

Whatever kid, just sit down and don't mess up my seating chart. <-- A prop cutaway which incidentally includes a couple familiar crew last names. Also notable in the category of 'non-credited, non-speaking, non-distinct student extras' in attendance today—is a young girl played by Lindsay Wagner's sister in real life, Randi. (Naturally her desk is placed in the front row. #TeachersPet)

The kids collectively groan and whine they have to open their science books to do school stuff here at school on a school day. Lisa flips to the chapter entitled "New research in cell structure," cracks a joke under her breath about her expertise in the prison cell variety, and then the kids suddenly all get up to start moving their desks into a circle formation anyway.

Lisa freaks because hey, I thought I told you we ARE NOT going to do this so SIT DOWN. Woah Miss Sommers said that quite sternly while POINTING A PENCIL so you know the teacher's cranky. And then she makes a seating chart mistake and yells at "Clarence" …who moved away last semester—doesn't she remember?

Yeah well whoever you are, (she southern-accent slips) "Ah still want you to sit down, shugah pie." All the kids bust out laughing (okay I did too), and the boy who is Not!Clarence refuses to sit down until Miss Sommers calls him by his correct name. Lisa begins to lose control of the class.

Target for Ridicule: Suddenly a student off-camera hauls off and hits Lisa in the back of the head with a paper wad. (I bet that was her sister.) Okay now that was the final straw, forcing their teacher to run out into the hall, where her tears begin to well up and she cries.

Hey no fair, my eyes are starting to leak here. We are supposed to revel in the humiliating failure of this lying, cheating, identity-stealing heathen Lisa Galloway, right? So how come when she becomes sad here, that makes me sad, too? STOP with this confusing character depth portrayal. My mood ring is all over the (seating) chart here. *hurls paper wad at TV*

Upon recalling the Obi-Wan voice of her life coach Dr. Courtney to "remember, you ARE Jaime Sommers," Lisa regains composure and goes back into the classroom, where the students apologize for their previous rebellion because gee, "we think you're the best teacher in the whole world!" Miss Sommers apologizes, too because she had a rough weekend playing a dual role. And then she lets them move their desks around to play cell structure after all.

Meanwhile in the Principal's Office: We return to Jaime in the prison infirmary, where the doctor and warden discuss how Lisa Galloway is completely schizophrenic. Hey look, this doctor is Mona from Who's the Boss. (Katherine Helmond, I generally heart her but not as Dr. Witch tonight) Jaime's all "But I'm Jaime, call Oscar yadda yadda" but of course they ignore her criminal court appeals.

So then Jaime decides to skip to Plan C, which is to prove she's the Bionic Woman in the event they've seen her show. She grabs a chair to try to break it and demonstrate her amazing strength. But an intern (unfortunately equally skilled at needlepoint) suddenly stabs her arm with a sedative needle and wouldn't you know—his lottery guess nets him her real arm— causing Jaime to get dizzy and slump to the floor.

Dr. Wtich then pulls out an 8x10 glossy photo of the original Lisa Galloway and tells Jaime that tomorrow she's gonna get her OLD face back. Nooooooooooo! Jaime passes out. And who could blame her—this is totally going to mess up her IMDb page.

Poor Jaime is then wheeled down a hallway to a padded cell reserved for schizos. After the warden (who incidentally is not one of the bad guys) and the guard leave, Dr. Witch instructs her intern to put another sedative in Jaime's food cuz they don't want to risk her waking up before tomorrow's surgery. They leave Jaime asleep on the padded cell floor, sniff. With a white flash transition to…

The roaring fire in Jaime's cozy, homey fireplace. Lisa—who appears to be wearing the same tunic shirt from the Fembot showdown at Callahan's apartment here—is on the phone with Dr. Courtntey, positively giddy about her first day at school. Obi-Wan is only interested in whether she found that Adrenalizine yet.

Lisa says no, she's torn the place apart but then he interrupts her when she tries to give us a report about Jaime's cute little kitchen. She will have to go to Washington to steal the compound. But hey she was just getting the hang of school (not to mention Jaime's tupperware and darling little tea towels). He orders her to call the school and just tell them Goldman needs you. Lisa hangs up with a kind of a creepy smile of contentment. Hooray, we can finally feel hostility for her again, especially for being the root cause of this, really, really painful scene we are about to witness.

Welcome To Drug Rehab. In her padded cell, √Jaime begins to regain consciousness and is totally trippin' from the effects of the sedatives.

Wonderfully shot in a series of abstract camera angles to convey the phantasm, we see Jaime trying to stand but she doesn't have the strength and her bionics don't work and she hears the echo-y voice of Dr. Witch repeatedly calling her Lisa.

She screams back "I'm Jaime Sommers!" and weeps and pounds her fists in anger on a wall covered in a mirage of Lisa Galloway photos and tries to rip them down.

OMG the invincible Bionic Woman shatters like glass, and then she curls up in total defeat against the wall and no no no no no no

DEAR GOD NOOOOO, NOT THE FETAL POSITION!!

This entirely kills me.

Oh goody, time for supper. The intern opens a little hatch and leaves her a tray with a cup of coffee and a baloney sandwich—that her pitifully sad little trembling fingers reach out to grab. Oh for godsakes people can't you see WHAT SHE REALLY NEEDS HERE IS SOME CHOCOLATE!

Back after these messages: This heartbreaking emotional breakdown, for me, is one of the most memorable scenes of the series. Kudos to Ms. Wagner for this believably raw performance and for some of the other gripping bits in this 2-part episode as she proves she can masterfully navigate the portrayal of two different characters and make you feel genuine sympathy for the villain.

Also credit to scriptwriter James D. Parriott and to director Alan J. Levi, who ventures outside the usual production norms, not only incorporating interesting camera angles, but by also avoiding the camp-ish bionic stunts that can often distract from the quality of the drama. Anyway, this classier episode canvas, coupled with Miss Wagner's shock stellar performance, was not just an education for fans like me on how surprisingly deep the well was in her acting depth. It also equally impressed the academy of her peers. Jaime, Lisa, whatev. You can call her Emmy. Best Lead Actress in a Drama Series, 1977.

ConAir, Take Two: So while the bottom is falling out of the Bionic Woman's padded universe, *sniff* the next morning her Pops is dropping Not!Jaime off at the airport for her private jet to DC. As if I wasn't livid enough, this b*tch has now apparently totally charged a brand new, gorgeous white wool suit and hat on Jaime's Visa, too.

Jim offers to help her with her suitcase then backs off because he keeps "forgetting about her bionics." Lisa's like huh what? Then Jim asks her to be careful because he and Helen can't help but worry about her. She gets a little misty-eyed (me too because where IS mama, I miss her) then says "Bye Dad" and hugs him goodbye and climbs into her jet.

Back in the padded cell of horrors, Jaime is leaned up against the wall fast asleep. The guard and intern arrive to place her on a gurney. Dr. Witch is pleased that the good girl with the pretty face that's a shame they have to operate on ate her sandwich, which means the extra drug in her system will help them finish her off with anesthesia after the surgery. Gulp, they are planning to kill her so that the real √ Jaime Sommers will be buried with Lisa Galloway's face. Noooo! Jaime wake up wake up!!

D.C. Meet L.G.: Lisa arrives in Washington and walks into to Rudy's lab, where he and Oscar are sharing an exceedingly jolly intimate moment while watching a little mouse named Plato run inside a spinning wheel in his cage. (Honestly, I think these busy guys might be due for a vacation.)

Rudy's all hey Jaime what are you doing here, your tests aren't until next week. She says she had a class field trip calendar conflict. Oh no biggie, I'm sure Dr. Wells can easily reshuffle his busy top secret national research schedule, which includes monitoring this mouse.

Woah, little Plato is running 30 mph! But how? Oscar says he thought it was bionics at first, which causes Lisa to make a smiley stun face because there's that WORD again. Nah, Rudy says it's Adrenalizine. Problem is he can't reproduce the same formula "accident that made it" and then he goes over to a cabinet and pulls out his last remaining stash. Okay wow, this mission was craptastically easy. Shall I box this up to go?

Rudy adds, "So it looks like yours and Steve's bionics are still our only hope for paralysis victims." STEVE, he mentioned Steve!! Lisa gets that puzzled WTF is Bionics?™ look on her face again. Because she was looking forward to her new television series The Adrenalizine Woman.

Oscar hangs up his phone call—great news that was the warden and Lisa Galloway is getting her old face back today so "Looks like you lost a twin!" Lisa heaves a sigh of relief and says that's terrific gotta go to the powder room now before my testing with Rudy. No reason.

While we cut to Jaime being wheeled into the surgery pre-op room and left alone by the intern, Lisa sneaks into a maintenance closet and snorts I mean scarfs down her first dose of Adrenalizine. At first her hands begin to shake. Then she walks over and picks up a metal bucket, bends it and grins. "Just like Jaime."

But just like Jaime is also her ability to break herself out of jail, mothereffers. I love how she rises up from under the sheet on her gurney, pulls out the baloney and cheese sandwich hidden inside her shirt, slams it on the pillow and walks out of there. Angry Jail Bird score: 1000 points for her allegorical "Yeah? Eat this" payback. Refresh browser for animated gif -->

Lisa G. returns to Rudy's lab dressed in The Bionic Woman's signature jogging suit that we see in the opening credits every week. She jokes about the pants being too long (did we know Lisa is shorter than Jaime?!) Her first test is to bend a steel bar and she asks Rudy if he wants her to use her right arm or left? Haha Jaime you're funny. Lisa starts to grab it with her left and Rudy says c'mon even your right arm will have trouble with that bar GOOD HEAVENS CAN'T YOU SEE I'M A BUSY MAN I NEED TO GET BACK TO MY MOUSE.

I love how they weave-edit back and forth between Lisa bending this bar and Jaime bending the security lock on the door that triggers a prison alarm.

BOOM, Jaime hits the outside, full stride across the prison yard towards the fence, and while Jaime's bionic running, Lisa's Adrenalizine-running on the lab treadmill, clocking in at 63 mph.

Congratulations Lisa has passed all her tests with flying colors! So Rudy and Oscar ask her if she will do them a favor and courier this Adrenalizine treasure across town to the Federal labs to see if they can reproduce the formula. OMG seriously they did just BOX IT UP TO GO for her. Youuu DUMMMMMIES!!

Then we cut back to √ Jaime, where Rita has just jumped the penitentiary's perimeter chain linked fence for her, and she's bionic high-tailing it through the woods with guards and hound dogs hot on her trail. The warden places an emergency call to Oscar to notify him “Lisa” has escaped!

Lord Goldman orders back, while we watch √ Jaime running for her life:

"Warden she has to be captured. Use every man, every machine at your disposal. Lisa Galloway is a dangerous woman. That's right. The operation on her face should proceed the moment she's captured."

TO BE CONTINUED

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Wow, what a ride. This episode was so way much better than I remembered. Especially as I compare the quality of writing and direction we are accustomed to in 98% of the other episodes in this series. Not to mention the stellar acting chops.

Everybody involved fiercely stepped up and raised—or shall I say bent— the bar with Deadly Ringer. So does part 2 keep the pace? Will Jaime ever make it back home to finish her needlthingy and organize her drawers? Stay tuned…