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The Deadly Missiles

THE BIONIC WOMAN 1X06

HYPER. VENTILATION.

Yeah, this crossover episode was nearly as perfect as Jaime’s pies.

 

 

September 29, 2012

Dear Bionic Blondes,

Mood Ring: Perfectly Purple

 

OMG. What more could a mood ring ask for? Bionic action, crossover romance, Betty Crocker cooking, and a gorgeous black pantsuit from wardrobe. The only thing that could have made this even more fun was if our party girl had passed out after just one drink. Oh wait, she did. The Deadly Missiles hereby gets the Bionic Blonde Emmy for swoon of excellence on all counts. Boys and girls, let the crossover commence!

 

Oh Yeah, The Bionic Woman Was Right On Time, Too: And who wouldn't be for this great episode? We begin with Miss Sommers conducting a night class / field trip with just a few of her favorite students, two of whom are the teacher's pets. Katie—who brought the lion to Show and Tell, and Teddy—who gave her an apple once. They're peering through a telescope and studying astronomy things, and Jaime teaches them that stars are still used for celestial navigation today.

 

Teddy points out that he bets Astronaut Steve Austin is good at using this navigational method, which perfectly sets up the next question from Katie, because god bless her, she's the only one smart enough to ask Jaime the really important questions!

 

"Do you think you and Colonel Austin ever WILL get married?"  Pause TV. Move sofa forward until your nose is 3 inches from the screen, then resume play for Jaime's eagerly-awaited reply, underscored with a shrug:  "Uh, I don't know."

 

Whaaaaa? Then fine, Bionic producer people! Since we're consulting the stars anyway, let's just look up the teacher's horoscope for an even less ambiguous answer from the science of astrology:

 

March 3, 1976 - PISCES: Tonight Venus and Mars tease us by crossing missile paths between Jupiter's moon, rekindling romance, but igniting an 18 year delay in wedding nuptials. Set your VCRs for November 29, 1994, kids!  Or should we say grownups, because you'll be yanking out gray hairs by then. P.S. this freakish planetary alignment also makes way for a Hollywood actor to become president in the 1980s. No, really. (Nancy, we know you read our horoscopes daily. Feel free to set this presidential forecast in motion. BTW, jelly beans are going on sale next week at Costco, too.)

 

Missile-Tow: Just then, Miss Sommers and her students spot a missile-type meteor looking thing shooting through the night sky, but it's coming from the wrong direction of a nearby Air Force base. Jaime has a puzzled look on her face (hey this is the same face I made when she dodged that marriage question), and then it cut to a scene the next morning with a missile being pulled out of an L.A. reservoir.

 

Oscar and Steve are there investigating, and I just love how Steve skips the Homeland Security step requiring the evacuation of the entire West Coast first—and just peels open the missile component to see if it happened to have a nuclear warhead underneath. Fortunately it did not, but speaking of weapons of mass destruction, this made for a perfect Bionic Blonde personal cooking disaster segue!

 

The Exciting Return of Jaime's Pie Shop: Today, Jaime is cooking on her Food Network set, while simultaneously chatting on the phone with Helen—assuring her she's going to make the bake sale deadline.

 

Apparently pies are Jaime's specialty, because in her very first episode, we learned Steve loves her apple pies and even answered the phone "Jaime's Pie Shop!" Based on my careful notes following each of Jaime's inspiring cooking segments, her secret must be lots of flour on her hands and clothes to validate the homemaded-ness.

 

While she bionic rolls the soon-to-be-delicately-flaky pastry, I should confess my pie shells always start with a loud thud on the counter… the signature sound of a frozen, ready-made, crust coming straight from the cryogenics freezer. Due to Jaime’s bionic advantage, she still finishes making her crust faster. No fair!

 

But for this scene, the most amazing revelation was when Jaime stated, for the record, in an almost-whisper, "I hate lemon meringue pies." OMG. First snakes, now lemon meringue?  I wonder if Jaime has nightmares about snakes coming out of lemon meringue pies?

 

I Hate When That Happens: Anyhoo, Jaime proceeds to bionic-beat the bejesus out of some egg whites for the meringue topping with a hand crank mixer (is this considered a hate crime?), but then Oscar drops by to interrupt her Betty Crockerness, because he needs Jaime's help.

 

That deadly missile last night came from a ranch property owned by "right winger" J.T. Connors, a wealthy tech developer and an old friend of Jaime's, who sponsored her early in her tennis career. Oscar wants the Bionic Woman to pay him a spy visit. But I want her to stay, because she has not yet finished baking her pie and my follow-along recipe notes are incomplete. Blast! <--- An expression of frustration, not another missile going off.

 

Can't Take the Boy Out of Texas: You immediately know J.T.'s from Texas because all the millionaires from this state just go by their initials. Jaime arrives on his ranch and is greeted with a big ole cowboy hug. We quickly like J.T. (nicely played by Forrest Tucker), because he adores and respects Jaime, and there's this loose, father-daughter relationship dynamic that’s enjoyable to watch, even if he does call her "pretty girl."

 

We learn J.T. served under General Patton in the "big war," but his son tragically died in a Vietnam battle incident that he blames on military incompetence. Thusly, J.T. doesn't have a lot of trust in those "softies in Washington,” and incidentally, believes that universal fluoridation of water was a commie plot, too. Hey careful mister… those softies include Jaime's BF and bosses now, and that fluoride gave her healthy teeth.

 

Train of Thought: Then Jaime and J.T. walk out back to tour his train collection she used to play with as a girl... which are full-sized locomotives packed into a parking lot. Jaime immediately notices some "thingys" are missing from one of the engine controls, and J.T. points out that yes, the throttle had indeed been removed, then compliments Jaime on her “great memory.”  Ohnohedihnt!

 

Sigh. I see it’s time to update Jaime’s post-cryogenics brain scan analysis with this new, restored memory lobe information.

 

Later, they go for a ride in J.T.’s Cadillac convertible on his vast estate, and Jaime asks what that fenced-off building is in the distance. J.T. tells his pretty girl that's off limits, and “not even the Secretary of State knows what's in there.”   Yeah well, that’s like telling Jaimie not to play with the Choo-Choo.

 

Lock, Stock and Barrel: That night Jaime sneaks out of J.T.'s house and goes to this mystery complex and bionics over the high voltage fence. When she gets to the entry door, she breaks the big padlock off, but instead of just quietly dropping it, she hurls it halfway across California, complete with torpedo sounds. (Did I miss a scene where it insulted her cooking?) She then sneaks inside and notices all kinds of computer equipment and buttons and realizes this is the radar jamming device Oscar was alleging J.T. had secretly developed.

 

Suddenly, Jaime accidentally triggers an alarm, and then an Onstar™ voice comes on the loudspeakers to inform Jaime help is on the way (in the form of armed guards), the floor is now weight-sensitive to trigger deadly lasers, and her exit door is charged with high voltage electricity. Whatev. Jaime bionic-long jumps to the exit and kicks the door down, however the force of the electrocution renders her unconscious. Noooo, Jaime is injured!

 

Back After These Stunt Messages. This marked the very first episode appearance for stuntwoman Rita Egleston, who from this point forward, would become the weekly "Bionic" half of the Bionic Woman TV series. I had the unexpected pleasure of meeting Rita this past spring, and I wish I had known I’d be sitting next to this legendary stuntwoman and having an actual conversation with her. Because for the woman who so famously and fearlessly dodged explosions, jumped over fences and leaped off dangerously tall buildings for Lindsay Wagner every week, I would have come prepared with a list of intelligent, non-Chardonnay-induced questions. Beginning with the most obvious one:

 

"ARE YOU INSANE?!!!"

 

Seriously, Ms. Egleston was incredibly friendly and gracious, and I bow to her courage in this often overlooked hallmark of the series. Anybody who can fly over Fembots in Las Vegas barely hanging from a helicopter deserves a royal bow. Plus she got to wear the same, fabulous Jaime Sommers wardrobe every week! Earlier that same evening, when I embarrassingly stumbled off a front step but was thankfully bionic-saved by my friend PKB before I greeted the ground, my only regret (well maybe besides that second glass of wine) was that I had not called Rita over to do this stunt for me more gracefully.

 

Let's All Hum Along: So anyway after the commercial, Jaime regains consciousness outside the radar jamming station and realizes she has a nasty hole burned above her right knee as a result of this high voltage encounter—but thankfully, there was no damage to her evidently flame-retardant brown slacks.

 

Woah, graphic warning if you are queasy around bionic guts—you may want to cover your eyes when Jaime pulls up her pant leg to look. Amazingly, this wiry wound keeps sizzling at the most inappropriate times, and I cannot believe J.T. nor any of the guards didn’t smell her smoldering circuits, let alone hear this “snap-crackle-pop” buzzing noise and remark "dude, did you just hear a microwave again?"  To help poor Jaime cover these embarrassing bodily noises, I think this calls for a new drinking game. Every time you hear Jaime's leg hum, DRINK!

 

Hey Mickey You're So Fine: Feeling betrayed, J.T. takes a limping Jaime back to the house (she feigns it as a sprained knee) and helps her into bed, then brings her a glass of something and tells her to drink it. Jaime hesitates—not sure she can trust J.T. now—but what the heck, it looks like vodka so she takes a couple gulps anyway and makes an icky face.

 

No surprise it was drugged, and Jaime immediately falls back on the pillow and passes out. Cool, anybody know where I can get some of this fast-acting liquid Lunesta? Legal disclaimer: Do not take Lunesta if you are operating heavy bionic machinery or planning to drive; side effects may include dizziness, rash, confusion, anxiety and even more memory loss than you already have.

 

The next morning Jaime wakes up from the sedative and J.T. comes in to talk. As Jaime sits up in bed, her knee sizzles and hums again (drink!) and she tells J.T. she needs to get to her "special doctor" right away.

 

But J.T. demands some answers on why she was secretly poking around his radar installation, while Jaime demands an explanation as to why a deadly missile he manufactured was launched off his property a few nights ago. So they both agree to level with one another: Jaime admits to being a government spy, and it turns out J.T. was genuinely unaware of this booming missile launch from his property. (Um right. Apparently he enjoys him a little liquid Lunesta, too.) But his tech-guru and second in command, Warren Rayker, is about to be called into the principal's office.

 

Don’t Touch That Dial: Instantly earning 1000 points for wardrobe magnificence, Jaime changes into this 2-piece awesome black pantsuit to tour the radar facility with J.T., then they go back to the house so he can question Rayker. Jaime takes advantage of her temporary non-supervision to sneak in a long distance call on J.T.’s office phone.

 

Oh god please no— it’s one of those old-fashioned rotary phones, forcing us to sit and watch while Jaime laboriously dials all 11 digits of Oscar's phone number. Seriously, this took for. Ever. Cob webs were developing. And then it was all for naught because when it finally rang, Jaime got busted by a security guard at gunpoint and was ordered to hang up and go with him.

 

As Jaime limps over to the door, she suddenly bionic-grabs the rug out from under the guard and tosses him on his keister. Woo-hoo—100 angry bird points! But just then Rayker and another armed guard arrive, so Jaime gets captured and locked in a storage shed, where she finds J.T. unconscious on the floor, having been clunked in the head by one of his own men.

 

Rayker hauls J.T. and Jaime back over to the radar installation set again and explains he turned to the dark side because J.T. wasn't paying him what he was worth. Graciously, because this is only a 1 hour show, they give Jaime a touch tone phone this time—and Rayker makes Jaime dial up Oscar at the M.E.W.S. station (short for Military Early Warning System That Sounds Like A Brand Of Cat Food), and Colonel Steve Austin answers the phone. Squee!

 

Natch, Jaime's face lights up with the news Steve is now officially in her episode, too! Oscar gets a ransom demand: Rayker wants $15 Million dollars delivered in 5 hours, but if there are any attempts to intervene, he’ll launch a truly deadly missile this time and jam the radars again so it can’t be intercepted. After he hangs up, Jaime learns what Rayker's missile target is set to destroy...  M.E.W.S. Hey, that's where Steve is. OMG Nooooo!

 

Meanwhile back at M.E.W.S., Steve pleads with Oscar to let him go in there… because Steve can't just stand around looking handsome in this brown turtleneck shirt and beige suit while Jaime is in trouble.  Oscar, unaware that Jaime is injured, is concerned Steve's intervention might botch the negotiations, and tells Steve that Jaime is "perfectly capable of handling the situation."

 

And then Oscar mixes his sports metaphors and proclaims:

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Are You Seeing This, MacGuyver? Then Jaime and J.T. get locked back inside the storage shed. Jaime's leg starts humming and sizzling again (drink!) and desperate to carry this ball for Oscar—or is she supposed to take the inside track? OMG which one?! — Jaime finally confides in J.T. she's bionic and asks for his help to fix her leg wound.

 

J.T. isn't confident he can repair bionics, and besides he needs some kind of soldering device to mend the circuits. Jaime resourcefully looks around the room, discovers a fuse box, bionic rips it open and produces a couple live wires for J.T. to use. Brill!  (Kiss her wires, MacGuyver. She did this while you were still in junior high.)

 

After J.T. is finished welding, Jaime flexes her leg and decides it's working a little better. J.T. marvels at her bionics as "an amazing piece of equipment," causing Jaime to clarify, "J.T. ? It may be equipment to you, but it's my leg."

 

Meanwhile Oscar's briefcase is packed with $15 million dollars and he's about to board the copter to make the ransom rendezvous. Steve asks if he can be his helicopter pilot, but Oscar says no—on this particular mission, Steve is far more valuable manning this cat food station.

 

Back at the storage shed, a semi-repaired Jaime bionic-kicks down the door and J.T. clunks the security guard. They then head towards the jamming station, and Jaime—not to be outdone by Steve's cat sitting talents, digs like a dog to uncover the junction box to deactivate the high voltage fence surrounding the building. Then she cleverly bionic-bends a laser detector device so it can't obliterate them and jumps up to the top of the jamming station. But just as she was about to bust the radar antenna, Rayker and his armed men arrive and stop her. Ah well, 500 angry bird points for this awesome attempt to carry the ball, anyway!

 

Let's Try The Inside Track Instead: Everybody winds up in a farm pasture to make the ransom exchange. Oscar's helicopter lands, he hands Rayker the brief case of money, but then J.T. tackles Rayker from behind—knocking his evil remote to the ground— causing it to short circuit and instantly launch the missile and jam the radar. Oops.

 

Steve is running the controls at M.E.W.S. and begins to panic. The deadly missile is in flight and he can't get a radar lock on it to shoot it down! He's pushing every button he can find while sweat is pouring off his forehead. And then he begins to resort to prayer, "Come on Jaime, where ARE you?!"

 

Oy, this wonderful suspense is turning my mood ring black!  Back in the pasture, Jaime swiftly grabs a guard's rifle and bowls him into another guard, earning 100 points x 2 for the double take down. She can see the missile in the sky heading right for Steve. J.T. reminds her, "THE ANTENNA!"

 

The Bionic Woman’s Phenomenal Pasture Dash: Jaime takes off running towards the jamming station, but her bionic leg is too weak and she falls.  HUMmmm. (Drink!) But our bionic heroine gets back up again, several times as a matter of fact (just take 2-3 more hum drinks)— and charges with selfless determination towards the station to try to destroy the antenna and save Steve.

 

Meanwhile, Colonel Austin gets a visual report on the missile location and they realize it's headed straight for them, but there is not enough time to evacuate. Their only option left is to shoot it down. At last, Jaime finally reaches the radar station, but is incapable of bionic-jumping the fence. So she decides to pull a giant post out of the ground and javelin-throws it at the radar antenna in the distance. KABLOOM!  Jaime of course nails it with perfect aim and destroys it. 1000 points!

 

Cat Nip: Yay, Steve's M.E.W.S. radar signal is instantly restored—just in the nick of time. He locks in coordinates (thank god, not from a rotary dial phone). The Air Force guys man their stations and counter-launch some kind of patriot missile to intercept, exploding it in mid-air. (Way to go, Steve! The Bionic Blonde hereby awards you 1000 angry bird points for your perfect aim, too.)

 

Jaime watches the deadly missile detonate in the sky and smiles cheerfully. Whew, that was a close call!  Now, will somebody please get this horse manure off Jaime’s gorgeous black pants? And then get me the name of the location scout who chose this filthy farm pasture to shoot this scene in.

 

Don’t You Just Heart Happy Endings? In the last scene, Steve bounds up the stairs to Jaime's apartment, and the Ausommers engage in a really lovely hello hug. Steve compliments Jaime on successfully carrying the ball on her show, and Jaime remarks that it was nice to be able to return the favor and save Steve's life for a change. J.T. says he learned a valuable lesson. Jaime asks if it was to "Never leave a loaded missile around the house?!" Haha. Before Oscar and J.T. depart for a Pentagon meeting about his jamming device technology, Oscar tells Jaime that Rudy will be dropping by tomorrow to fix her bionic leg.

 

Huh? Steve wants to know what happened to her leg. Jaime notes it isn't serious, but Steve teases that he's pretty good with bionic parts and they could maybe talk about it over a "candlelit dinner?"

 

Jaime's thrilled he has just invited her out on a date, until Steve redirects with, "What's in the fridge?" Jaime laughs at his gotcha moment, and then our crazy kids wrap up their crossover episode with a really sweet, romantic kiss.  Squee! Mood ring purple. Brightly, the end.

 

After this.

 

“What's in the Fridge?” What's in the FRIDGE?! Steve, honey, do you honestly expect that after Jaime's cryogenics death experiment she would go anywhere near a refrigerator right now? And so what if she is the perfect cook. She just saved your life. Dude, you are taking this fabulous woman OUT to dinner. And preferably some place that does not serve lemon meringue pie.

 

(And then get her home early, because the future Miss California is going to need her beauty rest for next week’s episode.)

 

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RELATED LINKS

 

This phenomenal pasture dash scene was featured prominently in the video “On The Run – The Bionic Woman’s Journey.”  For me, this was wonderfully symbolic of Jaime’s human strength and determination; defining a true heroine as someone simply with the courage to get back up again and keep on trying. In this case, her bionics had actually become her weakness. This montage video also showcases a lot of Rita Egleston’s great stunt work in the series. Bravo!

 

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FASHION HIGHLIGHTS

 

Five wardrobe changes in this episode: A long dark coat & dark knit slacks for the star-gazing open, jeans and a light blue pullover blouse with an accent belt for baking in the kitchen, dark brown slacks with a rust turtle neck and a long, striped sweater with some kind of V-neck tie... Then one of my absolute favorite wardrobe outfits of the series... the 2-piece dark pantsuit with some great tan and white striped detail on the sleeves. At the end, Jaime wore a striped purple turtleneck sweater with gray bell bottom slacks. Jaime wore this necklace pretty consistently throughout the entire episode, too. Might this have some significance later? Stat tuned...

 

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