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The Jailing of Jaime

THE BIONIC WOMAN 1X12

JAILHOUSE ROCK

Tonight The Bionic Woman fulfills phase 1 of her contract (in TRIPLICATE) to get thrown in the slammer at least once per season.

 

 

February 9, 2013

Dear Bionic Blondes,

Mood Ring: UPS Brown

 

Tonight's grand prize line from Jaime, when totally taken out of context:

 

"I suppose when you plug that little goody in it does all kinds of exotic things, huh?"

 

Tonight's runner up line from Jaime, no matter what context:

 

"And I get to ride on a truck with 400 marines, right?"

 

As long as we’re already taking things out of context, I’m also including this photo on the right to test your knowledge on what Jaime was estimating the size of in this particular scene. If you don’t know, then shame on you gutter minds and go watch this episode! *high five*

 

I enjoyed The Jailing of Jaime more than I expected to, because it not only had some great Jaime humor, I remembered how this story gave us some more first season insight into Jaime’s independent nature and her courage to ignore authority when it didn’t serve her interests. Locked in the confines of a jail cell, this was like a dude-don’t-fence-me-in metaphor.

 

Also, here was a rare opportunity for the Bionic Woman to essentially do her own, bionics-optional, semi-departure detective show, too. No thanks to Oscar sending her on a courier mission he could have probably just hired UPS to do. But as we like to say around here, what's the fun in that? So lets fix a martini and see if we can get Jaime onto the new MSNBC documentary series Lockdown: Bionic Btchez.

 

If You're Gonna Do the Crime, Be On Time: And Jaime was perfectly prompt tonight, too, making her incarceration all the more wrongful. In her shiny Datsun 280Z, she vrooms into the gated corporate complex named “Arthur Hatch Research Inc.," an enterprise that apparently acquired the shooting location  "Electrodyne, Inc." after its founder Carlton Harris got arrested in Welcome Home Jaime. Insurance also must have fixed the company safe so Jaime could blow it up all over again tonight.

 

The guard at the gate checks Jaime's I.D., but he evidently can't read, so he then holds it up to the security camera for permission from someone else to grant her permission to enter. Today the permission camera is being monitored by their namesake CEO Dr. Hatch and his office guest, a Mr. Oscar Goldman.

 

The two men are discussing Hatch's electronic computery invention referred to as a "cryptograph analyzer" (we’ll just shorten it to CA-CA) that his R&D department took 3 years and $40 million dollars to develop. Ooo goody, how much do I love freeze-framing on these 70s marvels of technology invented by the bionic props department!?

 

You’re welcome.

 

Let’s see, this early Blackberry prototype weighs like 10 pounds, and contains a handy music cassette player, some computer fuse chip thingys and a numbered keypad plus a red light and some other cute buttons. All enclosed in a boring army green case that I'm sure Jaime will want to swap out later with a stylish leather smartphone case to match her purse. I can't help but snicker when I notice it only has numbers with which to fulfill its developer's claim that it can “crack any code in the world.” So like if you have any letters in your password, oops. Perhaps this is our first clue this device was CA-CA.

 

Jaime arrives for their meeting, takes one look at this week’s prop and remarks that it “looks like a garage door opener.” Ahahahaha. I'm giving the Bionic Woman 100 Angry bird points for each of her funny zingers tonight. (Will somebody please get this woman a sitcom?)

 

So Oscar assigns Jaime to courier this top secret technology invention to a General in the darkness of night, because this is Oscar's clever bait-n-switch plan borrowed from the Brits, even though it's a simple task that any agent could essentially do with no bionic qualifications or British accent. Whatsoever.

 

PAPER TRAIL: And then Jaime has to sign a contract document—pre-specified in TRIPLICATE—that she has received and accepts full responsibility for this $40 Million Papa John’s pizza she's about to deliver, plus has to add her bionic thumbprint at the bottom. Is all this CA-CA paperwork really necessary? I doubt they signed this many release forms at the Pentagon to authorize her bionic surgery. (Seriously Jaime, I'd be lawyering up in this scene here instead of later.)

 

Affidavits schmaffidavits, done! First born signed away. Oscar zips the device and contract into a pursey bag and hands it to Jaime and tells her there will be a helicopter pilot on the base tonight hired to fly her to the "Mojave Secret Center" so she can hand deliver the CA-CA to the General there at zero dark thirty or something.

 

Jaime promises to take good care of it (right, we know she totally tested it on the way home to see how many garage doors she could open). And then when she drives away after the meeting, she's being watched by some bad guy on a car phone that declares it will be the last delivery she ever makes. Oh no!

 

The Following Information Is Classified: Then here come the opening credits falling out of airplane parachute rip HELMET ZOOM age 27 bionic surgery LEG PARTS concerned Oscar face insert EAR battery treadmill running but for godsakes crop out Steve's head cuz it's her show busting tennis ball happy slow motion bionic woman in jogging suit starring you know who and now we're back!  (This is what it looks like when I fast forward my DVD.)

 

Make-Out Point: Per her instructions, Jaime arrives at the base after dark, parks her car and waits. But hark what is this? She bionic eavesdrops on another couple parked in their car—it's the heli pilot with his girlfriend, who mentions their upcoming trip to Mexico and then they start smooching and Jaime gets all embarrassed and says "Ooh! sorry kids!"  So did she direct this apology towards them, or to the kids watching in the audience who think kissing is gross? Because ickkk, gross!

 

The pilot gets out of the car and his girlfriend drives off. He introduces himself and asks Jaime why a nice girl is going to a place like this, to which Jaime explains she is,  "Gathering samples for my snake collection."  Ahahaha. (See, I knew she had a whole snakeskin accessory wardrobe planned.)  Which reminds me I forgot to mention that for this mission assignment, she never even takes her coat off so unfortunately we don’t really get to see her delivery uniform underneath.

 

General Vicinity: After a dreadfully dull helicopter ride where Jaime looked so bored I thought she was going to reach down and look for a radio station, they land in some rainy field where two military guys wearing berets greet her and ask to see her I.D., too. Not this, again?! (And how come the women in this covert operation are the only ones being carded?)

 

Then Jaime meets General Frank Partridge (no relation to Keith) who mentions he's a "dear friend of Oscar Goldman."  Oh c'mon, do guys really adjective-introduce their friends as "dears" like this? Because the Oscar I know seems to prefer the more macho "pal" friendship bromance relationship status. (Big CLUE Jaime DEAR.) She opens her purse and he takes the CA-CA out but wait just a minute, sir, you have to SIGN for this!!!!!

 

So Who Ordered the Pepperoni? The General signs and stamps his little thumb print, too and then Jaime dutifully detaches and gives him the bottom copy of the receipt. Silence. Polite smile. And then okay seriously is that it? You mean Jaime came ALL this way to deliver his CA-CA pizza order and the dude didn't even give her a tip?  (Let's see, 15% gratuity on a $40 Million device is…*punches calculator* OMG, exactly $6 Million. Hey I happen to know a cute guy she could buy for that.)

 

Plus you can tell Jaime was all pissed because the General said they'd ask her back for the test later and she sarcastically says "That'll be a thrill." This is polite Jaime code for eat my bionic fist you cheap bas... and then the General hands Jaime an attaché case to give to the pilot that contains some basic "dispatches for the base," so great now she has to deliver yet ANOTHER stupid thing without a tip.

 

Phone Phail: A short while later their helicopter returns to the air base, the pilot drops Jaime off and she steps into a phone booth to call Oscar with her 'mission accomplished' report. Oscar says he'll send a car by in the morning to pick up the receipts. Jaime requests he please make it much later because she's "one tired little girl" and that even her legs have "metal fatigue." LOLZ.

 

Although technically it’s her bionic arm that has gotten quite the work out this evening. You know with all that passing light objects back and forth that bionics are so incredibly useful for.

 

(OKAY EVERYONE, GROUP EYROLL)

 

And then after Jaime hangs up she hysterically can't get the phone booth door open so she bionic breaks it and then leans it back in place and looks around all embarrassed to see if anybody saw her. Mood Ring: Purple. I heart this scene because it harkens back to her initial bionic rejection episode where she similarly destroyed a phone booth door. It now appears the Bionic Woman has become the anti-Superman, and it's a darn good thing she doesn't have to regularly change into a cape.

 

Please Leave Your Message After the Bionic Beep: The next morning Jaime's home fast asleep in her newest installment of Jaime's Jammies (a lovely light blue nighty) and her phone rings so she begrudgingly answers it and pretends to be a voicemail message recording which is hysterical.

 

Oscar yells at her to "cut that out" and BTW guess what, the CA-CA decoder wasn't delivered to the General last night. Um she did too, Mr. Goldman—we just watched those scenes! Suddenly a car arrives outside Jaime's apartment and Oscar says it's probably the National Security Bureau and she needs to go with them. Ut oh, Jaime's in a heapo trouble.

 

The Sheriff of Nottingham: In some government office for interrogation, Jaime hands the meanie NSB guy named J.R. Gregory her properly signed delivery receipt (who BTW just happens to be the very same NSB actor who dumps all over her in On the Run later which means we officially dislike him in TRIPLICATE) ...whereupon some military guys take the document and whisk it off to CSI over at CBS Studios to check the co-signee General's thumbprint against their 70s espionage database, obtaining results within minutes.

 

Next, Dr. Hatch arrives with breaking news that his stolen device is already on the Paris black market. Then oh by the way they ask Jaime to describe the General because they couldn't be bothered, with all their other required paperwork and obsessive checking of photo I.D.s, to give Jaime a picture or “general”  haha description of General Partridge to begin with. So of course it turns out the real guy she was supposed to have met with last night is actually the stranger sitting on the couch right behind her.

 

Then the meanie NSB guy sneers at Jaime and asks "How much did they pay you miss Sommers?"  Woah.

 

"JUST A MINUTE!" Oscar objects. But sorry, the NSB wants to detain Jaime pending further investigation and apprehension of the missing pilot to see if he can back up her story.

 

Shawshenk Redemption: So great Jaime gets thrown in jail. (Given the title of this episode, I totally never saw this coming.) But on the upside, what time does the Johnny Cash Gitmo prisoner benefit concert start? Will Jaime be getting a gang tattoo? Can she play the harmonica? Will her cellmate be nicknamed Butch Bertha? And for godsakes will she please help free Bates while she's there and rescue viewers from Downton Abbey's dullest storyline?  Oscar tells Jaime it looks like she's been framed, but so sorry the Secretary of State denied his request to have Jaime released from custody and has just summoned him to Washington for a board of inquiry on the matter. So no parole for you, missy.

 

Jailhouse Rock: From inside her cell, Jaime whispers to Oscar that "this thing would open up like a sardine can" as she bionic-bends the bars to demonstrate. But tisk tisk Oscar says she's not allowed to escape because then she really will look guilty …so Jaime bends the steel back.

 

And then OMG it entirely breaks my heart when Jaime clings onto the bars and pleads like a frightened little girl.

 

"Oscar, please don't leave me here."

 

*lump in throat* Dear god somebody get me a tissue and a stiffer drink, because I think we just found the inspiration for the heartbreaking, animated expression of despair from the cat in Shrek. --->

 

*cue melancholy Sarah McLaughlin music*

 

Kids, it’s “THE ORIGINAL ABANDONED SHELTER SAD PET FACE” ©1976 The Bionic Woman and Lindsay Wagner. (Note: refresh browser page for animated gif)

 

But Oscar tries to assure Jaime she won't be locked up for long and asks her to promise not to do "anything foolish."

 

Okay, sure. Of course.

 

Outside the federal jailhouse or whatever this detention center is, Oscar bumps into Dr. Hatch and catches a ride with Hatch’s assistant, introduced as a Mr. Naud. OMG it's the fake General from last night! Le plot thickens.

 

I’ve been Waiting For You, Clarice: Back in the cellblock, the meanie NSB Sheriff of Nottingham comes by to tell Jaime they found the pilot—unfortunately killed in a helicopter crash. He holds up a brief case they found in the chopper with her fingerprints all over it. Jaime tries to explain that the fake general purposely handed it to her. Turns out there’s over $100,000 cash in it. (Hey, is it too late to claim this as her tip?)

 

Next, the NSB guy tries to poorly play Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson in The Closer and demands Jaime give him a full confession so that she doesn't drag Oscar's career down with hers. "I'm telling the truth," Jaime insists. "Look, if you don't believe me, then let me talk to somebody who will. I'd like to call a lawyer."

 

YESSS! Jaime finally lawyers up, but unfortunately she is told she will have to wait for the OSI to provide one for her. Sigh. Obviously knowing how long it takes for anything to get done in Washington, Jaime lays back on her prison cot to plot her next move, and decides to open her own Moonlighting detective agency. She's going to have to solve this case herself.

 

Hunger Strike: Jaime fake-complains to the guard she's starving but he says they don't have a mess hall. "But isn't there some kind of machine upstairs that sells sandwiches or candy or a CUP OF COFFEE WOULD BE NICE, please?" (And yeah see if you can make that something from Starbuck's hot new "Blonde Roast" line too.) The guard can tell she's stark-hungry mad so he finally stomps upstairs to go get her something and tells her "don't go away."  Jaime gets that devilish little glint in her eye. Suckah.

 

Escape From Alcatraz: I really love how Jaime starts tapping on her cell block walls like she's trying to find a stud to hang a picture. She chooses the spot she wants to put her "nail" into, checks to make sure the coast is clear and BOOM, she bionic kicks through the back wall that empties out into a basement parking garage, and bionics her batootie out of there. The guard comes back with a candy bar and finds his prisoner missing. Well he's out 35 cents. How rude. But Jaime's up 1000 points in her Angry Prisoner score. Woo-hoo!

 

So then Jaime's running down some alley in heels (ouuuch; but at least they weren’t super-high pumps) with the NSB dudes hot on her tail, so she bionic jumps up buildings and down streets, dodging the occasional trolling cop car until she can duck into a phone booth. Oops here we go again, but this time she doesn't break the door, she smashes the coin box and steals a dime to make a reverse charge call to Oscar. Jaime apologizes for breaking out of the clink, explaining she just "couldn't stay in that place any longer." Oscar tells Jaime he really wishes she hadn't done that because this might make things worse. Gee YA THINK?

 

Sherlock Sommers: Jaime informs Oscar she's decided to pursue the GF that was necking with her BF slash helicopter pilot at the air base. She knew they were expecting to come into some big money because she overheard them talking about going to Mexico. (Yes, it is common knowledge that every tourist on vacation in Mexico is there to escape from prosecutors.)

 

In flashback, Jaime recalls the woman's car license tag at the base said “MILLE 3” so Oscar gets his secretary "Betty" to run the plates but oops, here comes the NSB patrol again, so Jaime has to hang up, re-steal her dime and run to another phone booth to call Oscar back again, where she confesses that she now knows "how Bambi felt on the first day of deer season."  Hahaha. Stop laughing and mentally take this information down. Car is registered to "Millie Wilson, 963 Peck Road. " Can our fugitive Jaime find this in the big city without GPS or even a fold out Shell station road map?

 

No prob. Jaime naturally locates the house right away, recognizes the car in the driveway, and watches the fake general Naud arrive and go inside. She bionic hears them discuss their conspiracy to frame Jaime and that supposedly the helicopter pilot's death was an accident (maybe). Millie finishes packing for Mexico and then she and General Fraud, I mean Naud leave in a big blue Lincoln.

 

Follow That Car: Jaime takes off after them and amazingly manages to tail them throughout the big city and all the way to the Arthur Hatch Research complex—in heels and safely undetected as the Bionic Woman racing down the highway. She catapults over the tall security fence to follow them inside (incredibly in a dress without her skirt even flying up—an anti-gravity skill only Jaime has mastered)—just as two NSB feds pull up and recognize her from her Hollywood promo photo, and call in her sighting to the boss. Oops.

 

Speaking of Hearings: Jaime marches directly into Hatch's office and informs him it was his assistant Naud who stole his decoder. Really? Thank you Detective Sommers. So Dr. Hatch pretends to call Oscar Goldman and reports that Jaime has cracked the case, but he never dialed 9 to get an outside line first, a clue Sherlock Sommers missed when he called Naud in a nearby office. But wait a minute Jaime wants to talk to Oscar, too—ah too late, Hatch has already hung up. It’s too bad Jaime completely forgot she had superhero hearing that could have enabled her to immediately recognize it was not Oscar who answered the telephone.

 

Meanwhile Oscar's doing a bit of jail breaking on his own. He bursts into the California OSI office and tells Russ he decided to take the fastest jet back because he couldn't do anything for Jaime sitting in D.C. meetings. Oscar declares that he doesn't care what the Secretary thinks… he is willing to resign over this. "Backing the people who trust you is more important than a job." Translation: This mission was my bright idea, not hers.

 

The Fraud Squad: Naud and Millie then come rushing into Hatch's office pointing a gun on Jaime. *FACE PALM*. She now comprehends she’s been duped and Hatch was in on this, too. He explains that after years of development, he realized CA-CA was a piece of junk. He couldn't afford to have it tested by the gov and wind up on an NBC Fleecing of America segment after he cashed $40 Million in wasted taxpayer dollars.

 

Hatch decides to lock Jaime in their bank-style safe, which is rigged to self destruct on a timer because it serves to add to the suspense. They'll simply pretend Jaime broke in to steal something else and detonated the charge. At gunpoint they force Jaime into the safe, but when Naud has already armed the 5 minute bomb setting, Jaime grabs Hatch and throws him into the safe with her, knocking back Naud and his gun. ANGRY JAILBIRD SCORE 150 points.

 

It’s Still All About the Darn Paperwork: Inside the safe, Jaime holds the door closed and refuses to let Hatch out until he gets her the phony research documents on his decoder that will prove her innocence. Meanwhile, Naud on the outside decides hey with Hatch dead, too, bwahahah-sinister-laugh this means we can have all the money to our greedy selves, so he locks them in. Then the calvary I mean the NSB guys arrive, and so does Oscar.

 

With only 3 minutes to go until blast off, Jaime can bionic-hear Oscar outside, but she still refuses to kick open the door because Hatch hasn't given her the files yet. Jaime bends the handle of the door for a bionic demonstration that she has the strength to save them. Convinced, Hatch grabs his files and hands them to Jaime, and with less than a minute left, she starts pushing on the door. Oops, it won't budge.

 

On the outside of the safe everybody runs away—except for Oscar, who helpfully keeps Jaime informed on how many seconds she has left to live.

 

Say, Did Anybody Happen To Bring a Can Opener? Jaime continues to peel and push on the safe door but confesses this is harder than she thought. She bends more pipes out of the way and with her foot and arm pushing in unison, she finally manages to bust through with like less than 5 seconds left. KABOOM! Jaime, Oscar and Hatch evacuate just in the nick of explosion time.

 

I Just Realized the Sunglasses-removing, David Caruso Has Been Imitating Oscar Goldman All This Time And Also That This Is The Longest Subheading I Have Ever Typed: The meanie NSB guy tells Jaime she's under arrest, so Jaime dumps the pile of files in his hands and says, "tell me about it after you read this." Followed by a CSI-Miami style before-the-break pun-joke from Oscar about Jaime almost going “out with a bang,” and Jaime saying she'd hoped he wouldn't say that. Us too, Jaime, us too!

 

In the episode’s second ending at Jaime's carriage house apartment, Oscar gets a call from the Secretary of State to offer his apologies for having Jaime thrown in the slammer and for not believing Oscar. Then Jaime gets to speak to the Secretary directly, and right before she hangs up she bids him so long farewell "auf wiedersehn."

 

Oscar seems surprised Jaime knows German. (Given her attempts in Motorcycle Boogie, I'm surprised, too.) So anyway it turns out Jaime's getting a letter of commendation and personal apologies from the State Department, and Oscar's getting one from the General and the NSB. As payback, I think they should ask for all this apology paperwork in TRIPLICATE, too.

 

I Just Love Happy Endings Especially When They Are Also In TRIPLICATE: For our third ending in this episode, Jaime and Oscar then go sit on the sofa for a serious talk. Jaime does this cute little mock-cry, saying that "I seem to be the most wronged little girl around here." Because everybody deserted her. Except Oscar, and she thanks him for sticking by her. Oscar gets all lovey-eyed and says, "think nothing of it, babe."

 

And then Jaime pretend-yells at Oscar for failing to give her good advice—because she just blew the perfect opportunity to ask the Secretary of State for a raise. Oscar laughs and then everybody freezes for the credits.

 

Um I don't think the Bionic Woman was kidding about a raise, Mr. Goldman. If we learned nothing else, this episode taught us that our girl obviously can’t afford to work for tips around here.

 

Note: This week’s review is dedicated to the awesome Guy Allen, a.k.a. Bionic & Beyond’s fan club organizer extraordinaire—in TRIPLICATE. Get well soon, Guy!

 

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FASHION HIGHLIGHTS

 

Jaime’s wardrobe department had just 2 outfits and one nightgown for her in this episode. A light blue cowl neck sweater and what looked like matching light blue, wide flare bell-bottom knit slacks, with a grayish-blue wool overcoat. She kept this coat on the whole time for the first couple acts—even when indoors—so unfortunately we never got a look at this full outfit.

 

The following morning she wore a pretty new pair of light blue, full length Jaime’s Jammies with spaghetti straps, and then she changed into a tan colored dress with black pumps for her awesome day in jail.

 

The Bionic Woman also wore her enneagram necklace again (from Jaime’s Mother) for like the 5th episode so far this season.

 

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