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The Martians Are Coming,
The Martians Are Coming

THE BIONIC WOMAN 3x15

LET’S JUST PRETEND THIS WAS EPIC

Can Jaime save our planet from the Martians?

 

 

January 12, 2011

(Edited Nov. 1, 2015 to include wardrobe + additional notes and images)

 

Dear Bionic Blondes,

Mood Ring: Really, really vividly Orange

 

When we last saw Jaime, she was sniffing a purple iris and reflecting on the overall preciousness of life. Tonight, she returned in a royal purple outfit and replaced last week’s Not!Steve with a new one. Life is good.

 

The Episode So Nice, They Named It Twice. As frightening as the title was, The Martians Are Coming x2 (I am too lazy to type it again) was really not a half bad episode. What sadly ruins it is the 50s sci-fi cheese that went into the special effects of this UFO.

 

This was 1978 mind you, when even Jaime has been to theaters on all her Not!Steve dates, feasting on buttered popcorn and watching the masterful new Hollywood standards established by movies like Close Encounters and Star Wars.

 

So in the late 70s modern age of Darth Vader and realistic CGI galactic battles with the Death Star, someone on The Bionic Woman post production team apparently dropped acid and proudly generated the “Meth Star.”  It was trippin' and glowed neon orange and sounded like a Sears lawn mower.

 

Our Bionic Woman slept in and was 5 minutes late for her show tonight. While Jaime was on the sofa sipping her coffee and watching Good Morning Ojai America, she recognizes Oscar on the news, where some crazy people who saw a UFO are waving signs that say "Take Me!"  No really, they did. It was pretty funny, and even Jaime rolled her eyes at how lame the 50 cents they spent on the special effects for this episode was going to be.

 

Car Wars: Conveniently this UFO sighting happened only 20 minutes from Jaime's house, so she rushes down to this little beach cove recreation area, arriving in her old blue Datsun 280z.

 

I don't understand what happened to her shiny new Mercedes she earned in The Pyramid. I only know that no woman would ever surrender this willingly. My mind is reeling with these important, unanswered questions about her missing luxury car—which sadly, I seem to care about more than the fact our beloved Dr. Wells is missing, and is likely being probed by aliens right now.

 

As Oscar was consoling the wife of Rudy’s fishing friend who also got abducted and beamed-up by the UFO, he spots Jaime approaching. She is wearing short velvet purple shorts and a matching top, with purple nylons and slipper style shoes. I gotta say I wasn’t super crazy about this ensemble, but this was the first time I ever recall seeing Jaime wear sunglasses, so I was more focused on the coolness factor there. They were even bejeweled with a little heart in the corner.

 

Darn Those Recycled Set Props: Oscar has to race back to Washington (which of course is code for having more important scenes to shoot on that other bionic show) so he introduces Jaime to another Fed, who takes her to a top secret barn nearby that houses a government UFO tracking facility in the basement.

 

But I have no interest in the technology tour this guy is giving Jaime. I am blinded instead by the big Lite Brite panels in the background, direct from Doomsday is Tomorrow (prominently featured in the masthead of this very site) that comprised the guts of Jaime's nemesis Alex, the evil supercomputer.

 

And she totally doesn't EVEN notice this. Meanwhile, I am hyperventilating into a paper bag at the thought Alex 7000 has been rebooted in this episode. Nooooooooo!

 

I Guess Chris-tory is History: Later Jaime changes into some rolled up jeans with brown leather boots and a comfy light blue cowl neck sweater, and starts walking down the sandy beach in the direction of where the UFO was last seen headed. There, she is being followed by some nosy guy who suspects she works for the feds.

 

Meet Not!Steve 3.5, the Reporter from the Daily Planet (a.k.a. Casey). After Jaime bionics up to the top of the cliff, he follows her and starts asking her all kinds of questions for inquiring minds. Jaime enjoys messing with him a little bit in the beginning, but eventually they team up to investigate this together, since they are both determined to prove this Meth Star is a hoax.

 

Back After These Messages: I gotta say that I Not!Minded this Not!Steve more than any other so far this season. After we got past his brash personality, Jaime had a completely non-forced, friendly chemistry going on with him, and it wasn't immediately apparent they were fixing them up until the end. (Nice rapport between Ms. Wagner and the actor Jim McMullan.) Sigh. If Jaime has to have a non-Bionic man in her life, it was nice to finally let viewers decide we liked him first before revealing Jaime does, too. For me, it's much easier to understand and accept her attachment when it plays out in real time like this.

 

Oh Yeah, The Plot: So we learn this UFO was indeed a hoax, manufactured by Rudy's now EX-fishing buddy and his wife, who have used this con to kidnap Rudy and sell some secret OSI technology in exchange for a briefcase full of cash. But this woman was driving a Ford Pinto, fercornsakes. Ditching that car for a life in crime no doubt saved her from being burned alive.

 

So Jaime followed the Meth Star back to the Secret Bad Guy Compound and saw that it was actually a helicopter with a surrounding cheese “holograph” [sic] to disguise it. Funny—given the show practically rents a helicopter every week—that Jaime never bionically heard the distinct whirl of the copter blades? Maybe she forgot to pull her hair back over her ear.

 

Anyway, the bad guys next door can hear Jaime playing with their Meth toy, so she and Casey wind up captured, Jaime gets clunked on the head and is rendered unconscious, and they’re both locked in a walk-in freezer... where I actually learned something new about bionics tonight.

 

Freeze! Bionics don’t work in subzero temperatures. Did you know that? I never knew that. So unfortunately our poor Jaime is turning into a popsicle pansy, unable to bust down the door to rescue them all from Death By North Pole.

 

Meanwhile, Rudy is sitting outside the freezer door unguarded—and by all appearances, unrestrained— right next to the thermostat, but our brilliant scientist doesn't think to reach up and secretly turn the dial back up to “tropical” range? (Yes I had a real problem with this. Ordinarily I try to ignore plot holes, but when Jaime’s life is on the line, I’m a take-control kind of gal, even if I have to jump into the television and show these people how to do it myself.)

 

Would You Like A Frosty With That? But Rudy does manage to whisper a message to Jaime's non-frozen ear about getting someone to rub her bionic arm to bring the temp back up, thereby restoring her strength. Casey, unaware she’s bionic, soon finds Jaime’s arm snaked under his sweater trying to help bring back her circuit-lation.

 

Casey: "In some parts of the world, we’d have to get married after this."

Jaime: “Oh, God bless America.”

 

Haha, good one Jaime!  Eventually her strength returns and she bashes the door down, then rolls a wheeled prep stove into the gun-wielding bad guy, sending him flying. Excellent shot! Angry Birds Score: 50 points.

 

As Jaime, Rudy and Casey flee the compound, they are being chased down and shot at by the Meth Star. Jaime grabs Rudy’s orange LL Bean coat to wear as a decoy, which she actually looked really nice in. It also provided visual color balancing with the glowing orange cheese riding her bionic tail lights.

 

Third Rock From The Sun: Then Jaime fell down a hill and got her outfit all dirty, which made her so angry she picked up a rock, and with perfect tennis-pro precision (and an extra 15 cents well-spent by the special effects team) hurled it into the sky at the UFO and knocked out its projector, causing the copter to spiral downward and hit the ground in a plume of black smoke, just as the police arrived to arrest everybody. Angry Birds Score: 250 points. Rock, Paper, Scissors Score: You rock, sistah.

 

In the last scene, Casey picks Jaime up outside the OSI “Barn” for a dinner date. She’s wearing a lovely long, white dress with puffy sleeves. He continues to pummel her with questions about her strength, but she avoids them by telling him how nice his new suit looks and how hungry she is. Flirt, flirt.

 

Bravo my fellow earthlings! The world (of Rudy Wells) has been saved from (fake) Martians thanks to Jaime Sommers. I just love happy endings!

 

Final Note: I really think Universal should consider re-releasing this cheesy classic Bionic Woman sci-fi episode in 3-D. And bump up the special effects budget to say, 75 cents this time? O come on splurge, our Jaime is worth it!

 

 

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FASHION HIGHLIGHTS

 

Jaime had 3 outfits for this episode. For the first act she had on a long-sleeved, purple velour pullover top with matching short-shorts, purple nylons, and black ballet slippers. Also, I believe this is the only time we ever see Jaime wearing shades in the series—perhaps necessary to block the neon orange UV of the ugly space craft with which she was forced to co-star.

 

Then she changed into a long, light blue cowl neck sweater belted at the waist, with blue jeans rolled up below the knee and brown leather boots. As mentioned earlier, Rudy's orange LL Bean jacket actually looked really good on her, too.

 

Although we didn't get a great view at the end, Jaime's long white dress with puffy sleeves for her date with Casey was very nice.

 

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