EPISODE REVIEW 3X09

Nov. 26, 1977

Dear Diary,

Mood Ring: Yellow (strained)

I can't believe I couldn't watch the Bionic Woman again tonight. My life is dirt. I saw the previews a couple days ago and a really, REALLY cute boy was going to be in it. Like almost as cute as Robby Benson. Ice Castles is my favorite movie. Ever.

October 22, 2011

Dear Bionic Blondes,

Mood Ring: Blue (love)

My burnt retinas brought on by Jaime's curly hairdo last week have finally healed, so I was able to put in my DVD to watch this next episode. Yet another from this season that I realized I was watching for the very first time. I like how they start out by showing the previews this season, so I can immediately form an unbiased opinion about it . Sorta like the CliffsNotes version for lazy reviewers. Right away, I notice that Jaime is going to be wearing black in this episode, so I immediately assign it 1000 points before it even starts.

It begins with some scientist doctor and his really cute teenage son trying to escape some East German soldiers in the dark of night. Papa gets wounded during their flee, but his son freezes, as if he has just seen Jaime in last week's Big Valley blouse, and thusly gets himself captured. We then jump to Jaime in her fabulous coach house pad in Ojai, where she is busy preparing a dinner by candlelight for her sweetie, Max.

Wait, MAX?!!!!  Our favorite bionic dog is back! With no explanation or warning (not even in the previews), he is pulled out of cold storage in the OSI Colorado facility and sent to stay with Jaime, where this evening he has cutely helped himself to a seat at the romantically-set dining room table.

Guess Who's Coming To Dinner: Tonight Jaime is barefoot and casually dressed in a red, full length robe that, I’m sorry to say, looks exactly like a Snuggie™.  Yes, I'm a little concerned this super-easy to slip out of attire is how she is dressed for her date soon, with some guy she refers to as "Raymond."  Whatever. Tonight, he becomes Not!Steve 3.3, the Unseen Date Oscar Gets to Ditch For the Benefit of Mankind.  Max seems a little depressed (and frankly, now I am too), so the future Dr. Sommers kicks into therapy action with her lab animal patient, and determines it might cure Max’s blues if she sends him down to get the mail. Heh heh. It's Not!Steve payback time, and Max comes back with the entire mailbox bitten off at the post. Good dog, Max, good dog.

After Jaime pops in a very romantic 8 track tape (hey, where's the cutaway that shows audiences she’s chosen "I’m Qualified to Satisfy You: The Greatest Hits of Barry White" ?) someone is at the door. But it's not Not!Steve, it's Oscar with an emergency mission assignment for Jaime. She must go to Berlin tonight to rescue some boy, and only has like a 24-hour window to do it.

Oh, the *Other* Germany: In a stark contrast to Motorcycle Boogie a few weeks ago, tonight everybody in Germany speaks perfect English. Perhaps I missed the headline news where President Carter invaded Germany in November of 1977 and made American English their new national language. But I think it was nice of the US armed forces to do this, so the cast of The Bionic Woman didn't have to maim the German language or accent again. 

On her mission, Jaime is smuggled into the new Germany, riding in the back of a truck (here we go again... this is becoming a 3rd season trademark) with a group of refugee farmers or peasants or something. She blends right in with a gray shawl wrapped around her face. Underneath, I can see she is wearing a black shirt (YESSS!) and a long, purple skirt from the peasant K-Mart. Oh, and she's also carrying a bright blue LL Bean-style backpack. Which totally doesn't go with the rest of her outfit, but since it's not a purse, it doesn't count against her. Turns out the guy driving this truck is the OSI's American insider contact named "Hober." He gives her some instructions about only having a few hours to rescue the boy and meet them at a getaway helicopter, then sends her on her way. 

Jaime hides behind a tree and starts stripping (where's that Barry White 8-track when you need it?) and off come the shawl and skirt to reveal (drumroll please)… the Steve Jobs™ look!  Woo hoo!!!  Black turtleneck and Levi blue jeans. (BTW, to my hero and crush Mr. Jobs, RIP good sir)  Then Jaime pulls out a black wool, double breasted Pea Coat AND black knit cap, sporting brown leather gloves and voila! This outfit ensemble makes her the first official, and original poster girl for Old Navy™! This is the Best. Episode. Ever.

<-------

Where The Princess Gets To Rescue The Prince For A Change:  Jaime enters his holding cell and we finally get to meet the cute teenage boy named Sandor (Jaime nicknames him Sandy right away), who unfortunately turns out to be a bit of a spineless dweeb. He's too afraid to leave, so Jaime has to practice more therapy stuff to talk him into coming with her. When they finally head out the door, the boy stops to strap a mandolin over his back. I guess because you never know when you might run into a paying gig along the way with Robin and his Merry Men.  They never did offer any kind of story set up as to why he was so attached to this mandolin, but the audience will eventually learn it’s like his iPhone. He never, ever parts with it.

Puppy Love: Later when they stop to rest in a meadow, Sandy picks Jaime some wildflowers as a followup to an earlier scene where he tells her she's pretty. Then he falls down and twists his ankle and doesn't want to go on to the now-weekly Bionic Woman show helicopter rental that awaits them, acting like a total baby. As a matter of fact, Jaime even says "C'mon Babe," but that was probably not a good thing to say to a boy with a major crush on you. Nor was it probably a good idea to brush his cheek softly when he tells you again how beautiful you are. Clearly, we need to work on these mixed signals, Jaime. Just sayin'…

Of course Sandy gets jealous watching them flirt, so he sneaks out the back of the barn and surrenders himself, which means Jaime and crew have to go rescue him AGAIN. On some city street where he was taken, Jaime knocks down a telephone pole to stop the path of the car attempting to transport Sandy, forcibly drags some guard out of the back seat, and then Jaime, Hober and Sandy—with his mandolin, of course, because you never know when you might run into a paying gig with Ricky Scaggs along the way— steal this Mercedes and start racing for the border to asylum.

The Big Chase: Meanwhile, the boy's daddy is with Oscar racing to the border from the other side, prepared to turn himself in as a trade for his son’s life. It's actually a pretty exciting chase. Jaime rips open the chain link fence for them to cross over to the finish line, where naturally Sandy freezes up again and doesn't want to go. But at least he is still grappling his prized mandolin, which he will surely need to write a song later about how he was shot to death by German soldiers. The voice of his father screaming for him to "run!" finally gets his legs moving and they race into each other's arms. Another happy ending for all.

In the final scene we find Jaime and Sandy sitting on a park bench. Jaime is wearing purple hair barrettes and has changed into a flowery dress that hangs off her bare shoulder (there are those confusing signals again, Jaime. tsk tsk). She talks about how wonderful love is and that someday Sandy will find someone else with curly hair (no kidding) and a sparkly smile.

Jaime: "Can I kiss you without you misunderstanding me?"

And then Jaime plants one right on his lips, causing the teenager to close his eyes and stop breathing for like a minute afterwards. Okay yeah, no misunderstandings there.

3-1/2 Men: Take note, Charlie Sheen. I suppose only The Bionic Woman could successfully juggle 3-1/2 men all at the same time. Max the dog, Not!Steve 3.3, Hober, plus Sandy, the lovesick teen. Way 2 go girl!!  (But of course I simply count this as how many men it actually takes to replace The Six Million Dollar Man in her life.)

Tiny Quirks: I could have done without the constant repetition in the script of the mission timetable instructions, or threat to kill the son within 24 hours, something that was stated by the German colonel in one scene, written verbatim on an FTD Florist card and held up for viewers to painstakingly read in the following hospital scene, and then read aloud for us, yet again, by Oscar. Gosh, just in case we missed that part both times in the previous minute. Also, I realize this was back in the 70s with innocent intentions by both parties, but I can’t help but wonder what a blazing scandal this kiss would cause by today’s overly-sensitive moral standards, fueled by a 24-hour cable news cycle. A teacher engaging with a minor like this? Jaime would have to totally lawyer-up. (Hmm, tell me again why she mysteriously never returned to the classroom this year?)

All in all, Escape to Love was an okay episode in my book. Jaime's Old Navy wardrobe? Perfection!

Final Tally:

Mood Ring: Green (mixed emotions to neutral)

Black wardrobe & Old Navy garbs: 1,000,000 points

Seriously, wearing a Snuggie™ for a date?: Minus 1,000,000 points

Angry Birds Score: 600 (100 for nailing the grappling hook over the wall on first try, 500 for her awesome backpack aim)