EPISODE REVIEW 3X10

Dec. 3, 1977

Dear Diary,

Mood Ring: Yellow (strained)

Why oh why can’t I watch the Bionic Woman?!  Life is so unfair. I saw in TV Guide that Peter Brady was going to be in it this week. He is SO cute! But if I had to choose, I think I would rather marry Donny Osmond. I would want a husband who can sing to me, just like Steve sings to Jaime.

November 20, 2011

Dear Bionic Blondes,

Mood Ring: Green (neutral)

Here’s The Story: I can see I am going to have to stop complaining about the Bionic Woman showing up late for her show. Tonight she didn't show up at all. Well, except for a few scenes in the hospital where she had to undergo some bionic tweaks while she let some kid from the Brady Bunch do a really bad job babysitting her dog. Only they kept calling him ‘Bobby,’ which I found really annoying. Bobby was the younger brother being brought up with the four men living all together, yet they were all alone. This Brady boy was Peter.

Miranda/Valerie/Dorothy/Velma also had a really cool, cutting edge 70s home office with data processors the size of like 4 Maytag refrigerators. All this so she could semi-GPS Max’s location within like 8 kilometers. (Honey, just strap an iPhone to his collar—we’re all being spywared like this now anyway.) But back in the ancient days, this little home computer arrangement appeared to span the entire dining room, den, plus rec room of their tiny suburban house. I bet Peter had to go back to sharing a bunk with Greg and Bobby.

Anyway, Max gets kidnapped by some bad guys who want to steal his bionic secrets. His babysitters eventually get him back—but not before he saves them, too. Yes we know. Max is awesome.

But It’s All About Jaime:  I am here to review the Bionic Blonde, not her dog, so I will focus accordingly, even if Jaime only had a few short scenes. This week instead of actively participating in the aforementioned plot, Jaime was simply given periodic updates on this episode from her hospital bed, with visits from Oscar and that other guy who works in his office. Obviously, Ms. Wagner was being granted some well-deserved time off, hence her smaller role this week.

In the opening scene, Jaime was taking advantage of this down time to study up to become a better teacher (y’know, in the event she ever actually has to be in the classroom again), utilizing a professional education magazine that appeared to be called “Developmental Learning Materials ’76.”  However, I noticed there were some separate, light green bound pages tucked inside this serious periodical. So I’m betting Jaime was cleverly hiding something way more interesting to read.

Like this:

I’ll Buy The Popcorn: In a later scene, a bored Jaime suggested to Oscar they all go watch a Bette Davis film festival at the Bijou. How much do I *HEART* that Jaime is also a Bette fan?  Ooooo, I wanna go, too! Please don't make me sit through a Jaime-less episode of The Bionic Woman. Let's all go see Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, and watch Bette Davis belt out her awesome insanity laugh at her nasty, wheelchair-bound sister Joan Crawford!  “Butcha ARE, Blanche... cha-ARE in that chair!!”

Crud. I joined Jaime in her disappointment when Oscar nixed her film festival idea because she was not allowed to leave the hospital. These. People. Are. No. Fun.

In Jaime’s final scene in the hospital, Max was safely returned to her, where he jumped up on her bed and licked her face. How sweet! With that story wrapped, Jaime and I are going to tie up the other loose end in this plot and defy Oscar’s orders by neenering-in this short YouTube clip of the legendary Bette Davis in All About Eve, delivering the best line ever in the history of Hollywood.

I just love happy endings.