EPISODE REVIEW 3X16

Feb. 11, 1978

Dear Diary,

Mood Ring: Yellow (strained)

Phooey! How could I have missed The Bionic Woman again? I bet tonight was another awesome episode that would have caused me to grow up to appreciate good, original science fiction stories. Oh well, I’m sure I will never regret knowing who Jaime’s guest stars were this week... y’know, in the event I happen to bump into them 25 years later.

January 15, 2011

Dear Bionic Blondes,

Mood Ring: Blue

There were a few bright "sun spots" (ha ha) in this episode for someone like me who just enjoys watching Jaime, but for the most part, it was not a story I particularly care to go back and watch again, so I will have to once again cue Jaime's flashback migraine face and try to go from the painful plot memories.

It starts off with Rudy and Not!Steve 3.4 (blast, Chris Williams is back) monitoring solar flare-ups on our sun, all concerned about how the magnetic interference might affect a special satellite of theirs that is orbiting the earth. They hold special meetings with Oscar, who I am sure regrettably has lots of free time this week to oversee this masterpiece.

No School Again Today: The Bionic Woman was 6 minutes late tonight for her show. She was casually hanging out at home in jeans and an oversized blue striped poncho-style sweater when her phone rings. It's Chris, informing her that he and Rudy have to fly out from DC to look for their satellite that is conveniently dropping out of the sky into her own Southern California back yard. He's cordially inviting her to join in the exciting search. They flirt over the phone and stuff. Hurled at the TV in protest: O, I give up. I'm just flipping him the bird these days. And I'm also wondering if he knows Jaime secretly ditched him for Not!Steve 3.5 last week. (Tee hee.)

Bionic Life Guard On Duty: Jaime meets up with them in her old blue Datsun 280Z again. (I guess her new Mercedes is still in the shop?)  While they watch their satellite approaching with a little parachute attached, I'm wondering why Jaime isn't having flashbacks to her own parachute accident. Anyway, she bionically hears a heartbeat on board and chases it down on foot, and when the satellite lands in a lake, she notices a girl swimming up to the surface. Jaime makes a really cool bionic leaping dive into the lake and saves the girl from drowning.  Hey look everybody, it's cute little Helen Hunt!

Krypton Kontinued: Back in Jaime's apartment, she has changed into her red Snuggie™ again from Escape to Love. And look, she has a Junior matching green Snuggie for the princess to wear, too!  While they warm themselves by the fire, we hear all about the girl’s Star Wars saga going on back home, and why, just like Superman, the Princess had to be launched out of there into space by her parents. However, she is being tracked by some twin bad guys from some other enemy planet, who happened to land just as their backstory was being relayed.

I NEVER KNEW THEY WERE ON THE BIONIC WOMAN!!! 

Quite obviously, had I known this at the time, I would have cornered them with a million questions, and would be regaling their wonderful and exclusive behind the scenes stories in this space right now. But alas, all I can claim from this fortunate acquaintance (woah, I seem to channeling Jane Austen all of a sudden) is that I have quite by accident managed to connect myself to The Bionic Woman in less than six degrees. Yes, you may touch me.

Back At The Snuggie Fireside Chats: We get to see the princess turn herself into Thumbelina as she demonstrates to Jaime how she was able to fit inside the small satellite. Okay now they have really lost me as viewer who requires a little more gravity in reality. But as I witness this incredible shrinking girl revelation, I have suddenly realized something eerily more familiar. This blonde haired, young princess (incidentally, destined to star in her own TV show and win Emmys one day) dressed in her matching Snuggie, ready to sacrifice her life for her country, who is all charm and compassion and politeness… keeps reminding me of someone…

OMG, she's Jaime's “Mini-Me!!”

1. We fell in love so long ago
   

2. But I was young and I had much to learn
   

3. One thing I've learned that is even,
   

4. Even surprise to me
   

5. Oh de-ee-eee-ear
   

6. I learned that I could really love him
   

7. Again
   

8. So Much Again
   

Heavy, heavy sigh. In addition to the piano lesson and how to fool the networks with secret musical crossover communications, Jaime decides to teach her Mini-Me how to do other stuff like her, beginning with how to scratch Max's head, and then it's cooking lesson time! Woo-hoo!

Today's episode is how to make a salad, where one starts with gathering all the "plant stuff" in the refrigerator. As a dreadfully lame cook, I really appreciated the very basic way Jaime is explaining this. God I wish she had her own cooking show on the Food Network. (And how much do I love that Jaime is snacking on cheese whilst conducting this demonstration, too.) 

Lettuce Entertain You: But unfortunately the salad lesson is cut short when one of the bad guys arrives in "beam me down" fashion to stun-zap Max and the girl and render them unconscious. So Jaime has to kick into the Bionic Betty Crocker cooking show action mode, and hurls a head of lettuce at the alien and skillfully knocks out his phaser. (Angry Bird Score 50 points.)

But then the other twin alien shows up and zaps Jaime, and she and the princess wind up in a makeshift force field in the middle of Jaime's living room. (Does this now officially make it a 2-bedroom apartment?) Jaime tries to punch the force field but it's stronger than her bionics.

Armoire Anyone? When Chris shows up to find out why Jaime isn't answering her phone, he gets zapped by the aliens in the driveway. (Yes my heart is so broken. He wakes up later, but I am purposely ignoring that story conclusion.)  But Jaime uses his arrival distraction to command Max to bite the little phaser generating the force field, enabling them to break free, but instead of bionic-ing out of there, she and her Mini-Me chose to hide in her wardrobe cabinet, which—despite Jaime’s vast collection of clothing this season—is vastly empty at the moment.

They play-battle Jaime’s 70s Pottery Barn furniture back and forth for a few minutes, then Max joins the fight, and about the time the bionic Earthlings declare victory, the alien twins are suddenly beamed up by their spacecraft. And then Princess Mini-Me's Titanic necklace starts glowing, which means "ET Phone Home,"  their local Star Wars is over.

Oh Rubbish: Before Jaime barely has a chance to say goodbye, her Princess Mini-Me begins to evaporate into a light that floats up into the sky—in the same way Glenda the Good Witch exited Munchkin land nearly 40 years earlier in totally non-progressive Hollywood special effects.

Princess Mini-Me: "I'll never forget you Jaime. You taught me so much. You're far more evolved than we thought… Goodbye, I'll miss you"

Jaime: I'll miss you, too, little one.

See? She even called her ”little one.”  She totally was Jaime’s Mini-Me. Besides, it's also nice to have it universally acknowledged how significantly more evolved Jaime Sommers is than the rest of us. Especially in the kitchen.

I just love happy endings.

Footnote: It has been reported that Helen Hunt prefers to avoid the subject whenever people remind her of this early guest role on The Bionic Woman. While I don't think she has anything to be embarrassed about—she did a wonderful job despite the weak story—I have noticed some BW fans seem to get really upset that Ms. Hunt doesn't embrace this with gratitude and excitement. (Meanwhile, many of these same fans would rate this episode even worse than I did) I happen to be a Helen Hunt fan, and adored her in Mad About You. It really does not bother me that she wasn't particularly proud of Sanctuary Earth, especially when she has a resume filled with Emmys and Oscars earned later in life. I personally do not feel she should be judged or faulted for not loving this series as much as we did, and especially without knowing what this experience was like for her at this typically awkward age, or the possibility that perhaps she was often teased for it and would simply just prefer not to comment on it anymore.