Long Live The King

bionic blonde

EPISODE REVIEW 3X20

March 25, 1978

Dear Diary,

Mood Ring: Desperately Black

I cannot believe I missed my favorite show again tonight. Sob! The TV Guide said Jaime was going to be assigned to protect a King. I bet it was really good. I am sooooo glad I will be able to catch all the Bionic Woman episodes I missed in reruns this summer. I can’t wait!

Feb. 13, 2012

Dear Bionic Blondes,

Mood Ring: Blue

Yet another brand new, never before seen Bionic Woman episode for me. Woo-Hoo! Hold on, as we all hail a cab with our favorite Bionic Blonde. This week we are treated to OSI: NY for some fabulous fashions, a run-in with the Sopranos, Seinfeld, and a totally gay King. I heart this show!

Sure, the episode opened with some generic stock footage of New York City, zooming-in on grainy high rise building photos, underscored by some toe-tapping, jazzy Broadway revue style music. But it was only there to distract us from what was REALLY happening during this prelude....

Jaime Sommers was busy doing some serious, speed wardrobe shopping.

The Empress’ New Clothes: Before she even arrived at Oscar’s surprise New York office location (so, is he like a chain of H&R Blocks now?), Jaime had clearly already been to Tiffany’s. Where her bionics magnetically attracted one of every piece of silver jewelry the store had on display. When she exited this posh establishment glittering from head to toe, she obviously hailed a taxi and hit some more fashion retailers, including Saks, Barney’s and Bloomingdales, all on the company plastic, of course. She needs this for her new assignment.

In A New York Minute: Our Bionic Woman was right on time again this evening. Bravo! And who wouldn’t arrive promptly when they start doling out new employee designer uniforms like this? She is wearing a gorgeous tan dress suit with matching boots and a western-style hat adorned with sparkly diamonds. (Okay they were probably rhinestones, but a girl can dream.) I’m surprised Oscar didn’t have to put on his sunglasses for the sudden glare, because Jaime is also sporting a minimum of 3 silver necklaces, a pair of silver earrings that kept reminding me of little wire whisks, 2 bracelets and 3 rings, several of which were in the topaz/Native American genre.

The Court Jester: As an aside, I was ROFL at the little comedy stint where Oscar’s intercom kept going off, and it turned out to be Max in the reception area playing with the phone. How cute is this dog! Anyway, Jaime brought him along because she needed a dogsitter, and as the more logistical landlords and parents Helen and Jim seem to be unexpectedly drawing unemployment this season, they have to fly Max all the way to New York City just for boarding.

The Big Apple Assignment: Tonight, Jaime is being delegated to protect the visiting King Kusari from Dalpor (a fictional Arab nation, I presume) Her cover will be as his social secretary, compliments of the State Department. Jaime considers this a “glamorous assignment” (translation: just wait till you see my equally glamorous credit card statement, sir). Since the King refused OSI protection, as part of her cover, Jaime is going to co-work with a guy named Sam Sloan, chief of protocol for the city of New York. Oscar warns Jaime upfront this guy is a bit of a caddish playboy.

Royal Rantings: Here we go again. Boys and girls—and people like myself who are now desperate enough to clunk Jaime on the head ourselves in an attempt to reverse her amnesia—meet Not!Steve 3.8, The Don Juan. (a.k.a. Sam Sloan) Moments before Jaime arrives at his office, he’s skedaddled his girlfriend so he can tak

e a call from someone named Marilyn. But when he meets Jaime, he is immediately smitten with her and can’t stop staring to the point of embarrassing her. Sam says she reminds him of his fiancée Beth, who tragically died in a car crash just days before their wedding, and Jaime actually falls for it, until Beth bursts back into the office because she forgot her purse. With raised eyebrows, Jaime affirms, “you look fantastic.... for a corpse.” A ha ha, good one Jaime!!

Back After These Messages: Throughout the rest of this episode—which I won’t bother to detail—Sam continues to hit on Jaime and she gradually warms up to him, because unfortunately her Dr. Sommers ethos kicks in, and she decides that he’s merely covering for his insecurities and doesn’t recognize his own worth. Granted, he was charming and handsome—and when it came down to it, he did prove himself to be a caring guy. When I remembered that Steve Austin had a bit of a playboy side to him as well, I began to accept that perhaps it would not be entirely out of the question for Jaime to be attracted to a guy like Sam. So I could reason this one off as just another episode fling that, at best, only serves to further diminish her so-called serious relationship with Chris Williams, who was—neener-neener—now four boyfriends ago. Dude, you may as well head for Budapest now. Jaime is so devoted to you she can’t stop seeing other guys, even ones who come with serious gambling debts and sleazy loan sharks.

Also, John Reilly who portrayed Sam in this episode, was the same actor who played an OSI agent named “Hober” in Escape To Love earlier this season.

Now Back To Our Show: So the King is staying in a special hotel suite, and even before Jaime arrives, his first order of official US business with his staff was to arrange for his tailor and jot down a list of shops he wanted to visit while in New York. (Hint #1). I’m just sayin’.

There was a miscommunication, and he was expecting a “James Sommers” for his social secretary, but he is totally delighted with Jaime when she arrives, especially when she scanned over his shopping list and agreed that he had already chosen the coolest places to shop in New York. (Hint #2). When his phone rings, Jaime bionically hears a bomb buzz. So she won’t blow her cover, when his Highness isn’t looking, she quickly removes it from the receiver, deactivates it and hides it in her pretty skirt pocket.

Time To Go To The Mattresses: The King’s two assistants, Colonel Mostada and Kia, are planning a military coup, so they are the ones plotting to assassinate their King. When their phone bomb didn’t work, they secretly meet with members of the pseudo-Soprano family to hire out their next attempt. Hey, let’s hide a gun inside a turn of the century tintype camera to photograph the modern King. Surely nobody would be suspicious that professional New York photographers have not yet adopted this new-fangled polaroid technology.

But of course Jaime catches them and does an awesome Judo-flip of the mob photographer and thwarts their plot... again. (Angry Birds Score: 50 points) All while wearing a gorgeous white suit and strapped white heels. Hooray, because after the commercial the Queen, I mean King, has to meet with his custom tailor to meticulously select a series of fabrics for his new suits and ties. (Hint #3). With that accomplished, he takes a sip of beverage from a silver cup while royal etiquette-ly positioning his pinky finger. (Hint #4). I am loving this guy!! While Jaime is busy planning this special state party in his honor, I wonder if she knows how many points she could score in foreign relations if she booked Cher as the entertainment, too.

Throne For A Loop: Speaking of the party. Wow. Jaime’s hair is coiffed up and she is dressed in a stunning white, full skirted halter style evening gown, and has ditched her so-yesterday Tiffany jewelry for Cartier diamonds this evening. She is suspicious of a substitute waiter offering his Highness a glass of potentially poisoned champagne, so she proposes a toast (if I might add, in a perfect Statue of Liberty pose) and purposely dumps his glass before he can take a sip. He now realizes she’s more than a social secretary and a fashion goddess. OMG, she’s like one of those American Charlie’s Angels.

Yada, Yada, Yada: The bad guys also tried to lock Jaime and Sam in a stairwell and kill them with a “gas pill” but Jaime bionic’d the exit door and they escaped to... no kidding... Seinfeld’s diner! The infamous “Tom’s Restaurant” exterior shot they used in Seinfeld was the same place Jaime and Sam had coffee. But no time for the Soup Nazi on this trip. They had to go escape another attempt on their lives the next day, when the prop department sent over some more of their overstocked sleepy-arm darts. But this time Jaime was onto them, and requested the bad guys please dart her

right arm instead, complaining that her left arm just had a series of preventative shots for flu, tetanus and penicillin. Quick thinking, Jaime! (And I’m actually quite hoping that penicillin shot was for real, considering the guy you are dating right now.)

Boot Camp: Anyway, they put Sam and the pretending-to-be-passed-out Jaime in an old Buick and tried to kill them by rolling them down a steep back road over a cliff, but Jaime manages to gain control of the steering wheel and when the brakes fail, she reminds us she still has that “Midas Touch” and can stop a car by swinging open the door and slamming her foot to the pavement. This time it didn’t appear to destroy the heel of her lovely white wedgie boots, so I’m figuring she must have titanium specially built into all her footwear now in anticipation of these annoying braking emergencies.

A Face Is Worth A Thousand Words: Tonight, I also discovered that Jaime makes an awesome, pre-impact “Brace Face” when the car was about to smash through a fence, but I won’t show that here because a still photo doesn’t do it flattering justice. You’ll just have to watch it, because it is almost as classic as her “Fembot Shock Face.” Also, and when Jaime was on the pay phone earlier giving Oscar a report, and he started teasing her about liking Sam, she stuck her tongue out at him when she hung up. LOL. (I love it when Oscar brings out the rebellious teenager in Jaime.)

The Reigning Champion: Jaime and Sam manage to make their way back to the city and the King’s suite (which BTW is not a hotel mattress room size designation), just in time for Jaime to bionic-ly hear a bomb that’s been implanted in his Majesty’s newly tailored yacht jacket. She bowls over the bad guys (Angry Birds Score: 50 points) and strips the jacket off the King in Olympic record-setting time. (And girlfriend, unless it involves Steve, I really don’t want to know where you learned to undress a guy this quickly.) Then Jaime races over to open the window, and tosses the suit jacket up towards the NY skyline where it explodes in mid-air. (Angry Birds Score: 100 points.) No New Yorkers were harmed during this stunt, nor did the pedestrians down below seem the least bit startled by what they probably just assumed was the underwear bomber testing some new clothing options.

In the final scene, Jaime is calling for her chartered return flight home and Sam is begging her to stay, because he expects her to marry him and be the mother of his children. Jaime asks if he would consider giving up HIS job and coming to California, and then Sam admits how that doesn’t sound fair to ask, so they just kiss and agree it’s never going to work between them.

Sigh.

I just love happy endings!!

Final Tally: Mood Ring Royal Purple. Despite the Not!Steve factor, I thought this was actually a fairly good episode. While pretty formulaic for a Bionic Woman plot, the script was better than average for this season, the bionic action scenes were executed with a bit more sophistication, and the wardrobe and jewelry.... zing! (BTW Jaime’s gown and light brown suit ensemble, plus the white braking boot can be seen in Jaime’s Wardrobe Party video.)

WARDROBE HIGHLIGHTS

Monday, February 13, 2012

Long Live The King

MY KINGDOM FOR THIS WARDROBE

Hello Big Apple! Let’s all raise our glasses and assume the Jaime Sommers Statue of Liberty pose!

Light brown calf-length skirt suit with leather boots & western hat. Jaime appeared to wear this same suit again in the final scene, too.

White dress suit with striped blouse and white strap pumps.

Black slacks, white short sleeved blouse and a repeat of the long, dark blue sweater seen in both the last 2 episodes. Same hat was also spotted in Over The Hill Spy.

Beautiful white, full skirted halter-styled gown with bow in the back.

Casual cotton skirt and puffy swashbuckler sleeved white blouse with white wedgie heeled boots.

Prairie style skirt with lacy hem, and white blouse with oversized front pockets and an elbow button detail. Also worn with a light green shawl later.

SCORE: 2.75 out of 4 Tennis Balls

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