EPISODE REVIEW 2x01

September 22, 1976

Dear Diary,

Mood Ring: Green

The Bionic Woman had to fight Bigfoot tonight!  She was trying to get some alien's medicine to help Steve who was in the hospital. Then he got better and they helped stop a volcano with Bigfoot and it turned out he was nice. I was excited Jaime and Steve were finally together again but there was a yucky alien girl who liked Steve and I just wanted Jaime to punch her.

April 20, 2013

Dear Bionic Blondes,

Mood Ring: Hot Lava Red

So then Steve got captured and alien-probed by the visitors, and the head alien lady named Shalon who looks like that lady from Hart to Hart kissed and flirted with Steve but of course this needed to stop. Steve saved them from an Irwin Allen-style earthquake and then Shalon erased all his memories of them so he wouldn't spill the secret of Bigfoot.

In a nutshell. It. Was. Camp. Awe. Sum. In the 70s, this Bigfoot was like the era's most memorable childhood monster—trailing only the Wizard of Oz’s Flying Monkeys and The Abominable Snowman as beasts most likely to be found hiding under your bed in the middle of the night.

As you might guess, these original Bigfoot episode ratings were bigger than his feet, so the bionic producer people decided not only would they cough up this giant hair ball again in a sequel, this time they would share him with the Bionic Woman, too!  (Ok fine, but only if you agree to take one of our Fembots in the fair cheez trade!)

So tonight Bigfoot returns in Part one of the aptly named 'Return of Bigfoot Part 1' on The Six Million Dollar Man, where Jaime crossed over for a few scenes. We first see her at the bionics lab facility for her "10,000 mile checkup." She notices shirtless-Steve seems troubled as she observes him jogging from the balcony. In the next scene in the lab, she was just about to delicately Dr. Sommerize him when STOP EVERYTHING!

Steve, did we join the Mustacheer Club during summer vacation? Apparently this new crumb catcher is a topic of legendary Bionic fan debate, causing everything from outright shock to action figure rejections. What ev. I 'm an ‘either-or’ kinda gal, and I happen to like his new mustache. But does Jaime? Because that's the only opinion in the universe that really matters. And since she continued to talk to Steve without busting out laughing, I'm guessing she doesn't mind his new mustache, either. Carry on, kids…

Blast from the Cast: So our anguished Steve takes Jaime to see a footprint cast of Bigfoot in Rudy's office (um, that I guess he's been using as a paper weight?) but Steve's frustrated that he cannot remember why he is so fascinated by this plaster art. Jaime's all like, "Tell me about it. I'm the one who wrote the book on partial memory, remember?"   Ahahaha! (Insert joke here about her Kindle e-book version downloading as a blank file.)

To help take Steve's mind off things, he and Jaime decide to go for another slo-mo countryside bionic jog—but without a love song this time, bummer! And for some reason, Steve has decided to skimpy down to wearing just a pair of very short shorts. Frankly, I have no memory of what happened after this.

1. WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG TO BRING YOU A SPECIAL NEWS REPORT.
   

2. If there is a handsome prince out there who happens to have a glass slipper that fits this foot, --->
   

3. please contact Big Cinderella ASAP. Thank you.
   

4. We now return you to our show already in progress.  
   

So where were we? Oh yeah, an alien named Gillian, henceforth known as Gill-alien, played by perky Sandy Duncan, is watching Jaime and Steve bionic run, and keeps pressing some remote control and disappearing in and out of fields and under trees. Steve stops and tells Jaime he suddenly remembers running with another woman. Go for it, Jaime. The perfect set up.

"Steve there's just not any other women you run around with… at least not bionically, anyway!" 

          –Jaime Sommers, who has obviously been keeping tabs on Steve's series and dating record.

But hark, Jaime thinks she hears something so Steve bionic-zooms in on a hill, spots Gill-alien, but conceals that from Jaime and says there's nobody there. Liar!  No wonder your nose hair—I mean mustache—keeps growing.

Steve’s Home Away From Home: I find this revelation oddly disturbing. Is poor Steve so homesick that he ordered an exact replica of momma's den, including her collection of pictures and trophies? Did that kitchen wallpaper mistake last year drive him over the HGTV edge? Or even more scary—did Helen offer to come arrange his house for him and have absolutely NO other decorating ideas? (Because Helen you really need to be on Pinterest, honey. Ima set you up.)

OMG this is now my favorite scene of the entire episode because I refuse to accept this as a recycled studio set, when it's so much more interesting as a lead character's emotional cry for help. How could I have missed this dark plot dimension? The real monster in this episode lurks within! But I think we’ll skip making Steve an appointment with Dr. Sommers about these worrisome mother’s nest issues, because I’m afraid she may decide not to marry a guy with this kind of baggage.

While I was rolling on the floor laughing in Steve's deju vu-den, Bigfoot returned to some facility to steal supplies for their alien colony and Steve tried to stop him but got busted for the break in himself because he was the only suspect on the premises strong enough to break all these things.

Behind Closed Doors: The next day Jaime bionic-eavesdrops outside Rudy’s office while Steve tells Oscar and Rudy about the story thus far plus the alien's "Neotraxin" wonder drug. (A clever product placement from Pfizer, but we'll soon find out it's not available without a PfShalon prescription.)  

When Oscar tells Steve sorry pal he's under house arrest, Steve bionically escapes off the same balcony Max the dog did in the future and goes off to solve the case himself. I love how Jaime just continues to loiter outside the door and doesn't even attempt to go after Steve because whatever, it's his show and it's time for her to go on break. But then Steve gets hurt a few scenes later trying to fight Bigfoot again and winds up seriously injured in the ER.

Rudy interrupts with the bad news that Steve's in seriously critical condition. His nuclear bionic power packs have burst and he took a severe dose of radiation. (Hmm, no wonder Jaime dodged Steve's request to talk about having [3-headed] kids in Bionic Ever After.) Rudy doesn't think Steve will live another 24 hours.

NOOOOOOO!  <--should I add more o’s to this?

Jaime is granted permission to see Steve privately on his death bed and throws on one of those green surgical gowns I guess so none of that radiation rubs off on her.

Captain Hook: Oh looky, it's pirate Steve! Now sporting a black patch over his bionic eye while he's nearly practically unconscious. But of course the moment his beloved Jaime arrives by his bedside he wakes up from his coma. With her bionic ear, Jaime can hear him whisper sweet somethings. And if I wasn't confused enough with Steve's new mustache and Pirate of the Caribbean look, now he suddenly starts speaking like Tonto. 

Proceed, Keemosabe!

"Many will die unless we find Shalon. She help maybe stop them." 

Jaime, with tears streaming down her cheeks, of course is thinking screw this trampy Shalon b*tch, and asks Steve where this wonder drug is he was talking about earlier and if she found it could it save him?

Steve mutters, "Fault line. San Angelo… Jaime beware of the Sasquatch. Much stronger than we are. Hurry Jaime not… much.. time." Then Steve passes out, and a grief-stricken Jaime folds her hands in prayer. Oh no, can she find a way to save the man (she forgot she) loves in time?! 

CUT!!!  That's a wrap. Yeah Rudy we know you said Steve only had 24 hours but sorry he's gonna have to hold on for at least 3 more days while Jaime waits for her big season premiere show night. Maybe you can spend those extra days rearranging Steve's den a little? I'm sure Helen won't mind if you move her couch cushions by just a smidge.

Mood Ring: As jet black as Jaime’s jumpsuit right now. But I think it’s brill that she already came dressed for the funeral just in case Steve didn’t make it.

We now welcome you to The Return of Bigfoot Part 2 on the Bionic Woman!

Woohoo this is OUR party now!  Kids, gather your Bionic Blonde supplies for battling Bigfoot.: These include wine in a box, Frontline® flea and tick repellent, plus a lint brush for any Sasquatch fur that might rub off because black wardrobe is like the WORST for showing pet hair. We will begin tonight by practicing our favorite Princess Leia line:

WILL SOMEBODY GET THIS BIG WALKING CARPET OUTTA MY WAY?

Ready, set, growwwwwwwlll!

After scenes from last week, here come The Bionic Woman’s new opening credits and boys and girls we have a major breaking news update: Jaime Sommers has just turned 28 in her OSI file data!!  In lieu of birthday presents, please send a donation to your local humane shelter to support disadvantaged furry animals with tiny feet who lack the ability to walk upright like tonight's guest. There are also some other subtle changes to the 2nd season opening credits—including adding Martin E. Brooks to the cast (Yay!) and taking out that lovely, serene photo of Jaime hanging loose on the beach at sunset. (Boo!)

Copter Cue: The Bionic Woman was right on time for season 2 tonight, hovering in a helicopter near the California fault line that Tonto, I mean Steve, whispered about earlier—determined to find the wonder drug to save her bionic beloved.

Jaime can't see anything from the air so she tells Oscar she's "gonna hoof it" and then she has Rita jump out of the hovering helicopter for her (COOL!) in her gorgeous black jumpsuit. Unfortunately Jaime is being live-monitored by the alien compound from Mexico on a new cable network that has bucked the standard 16x9 HD screen format and opted for the groovier hexagonal screen dimension. (This is SO going to complicate the showrooms at Best Buy.)

The purple coverall alien guy named Nedlick (Ima nickname him Netflix because it’s easier for me to remember) plus his celebrity sidekick Bigfoot press their little Beam Me Up Scotty® TLC time line converters that beep and transport them instantaneously to the California woods where the Bionic Woman was just located, because it’s time for the Beauty to meet the Beast!

GUUUURL? RUN!!!!

Jaime and the King... Kong: Bigfoot knocks over a tree in the clearing and the furry beast reveals himself with a grand entrance, growling mightily. Jaime's jaw drops.  "Oh boy, Steve said you were big, but this is ridiculous!"  We agree. He's giant and hairy and has creepy white eyes and judging from the appearance of his yellow teeth, really bad breath, too. 

"Now listen, I didn't come out here to hurt you. Can we just talk?"  Growwwl, grrrrrrr. 

He lunges for her again and she defensively bionic-pushes him out of the way. I'm giving her 500 points for colossal bravery here. Unlike Steve, who seems to rather enjoy wrestling with this tick-ridden adversary, Jaime's style is to skillfully dodge and avoid. This way, you don't break a nail.

Jaime suddenly spots the Purple Netflix guy watching from a hill. "Hey!  You with him?! …Call him off me, will ya?"

Bigfoot bats away a boulder that Jaime's been trying to chicken-hide behind, and she falls during her backpedal retreat. But she manages to grab and bionic toss a giant rock at him while the alien turns up the annoyance dial for Sasquatch to attack harder. (This screeching radio wave hurts Jaime's ear, too.) Bigfoot throws the boulder back at Jaime and she smashes it in two with her bionic arm. WooHoo, you ROCK, sistah. 250 Points!

To escape this flea bag, Jaime jumps like 30 feet up into the top of a tree. But the Grrrrrrring Bigfoot begins shaking the trunk violently and TIMBER!  knocks Jaime out of it just before it falls to the ground. I love her drop and somersault roll landing, so I’m going to award her another 100 points for this, even though she’s clearly getting her butt kicked here.

Suddenly Gill-alien materializes using a stolen Beam Me Up Scotty® remote and tells Jaime to take her hand quickly, and boom, they disappear. A second later they reemerge in a dark cave and Jaime's like hey this is happening too fast and who the hell are you anyway, and OMFG I just got in a fight with the urban-legendary, mother-effin’ Bigfoot do you happen to have a lint brush on you I could borrow? And also a camera? Because this could TOTALLY get me on Oprah.

Gill-alien says she's taking Jaime to her people. "Isn't that what you want?"  Sheesh, yeah I guess.  Touchy aren't we? Then they reach a spinning, space agey, glacierized LSD trip tunnel that serves as the welcome mat entrance to their alien compound because every house needs a little curb appeal, don't you think?  Wipe your feet, earthlings!

And then the camera freezes on Jaime, with a face that I would describe as "WTF am I doing in this National Enquirer episode?" kind of expression. Because remember the good ole days when The Bionic Woman was essentially doing a relatively believable, secret agent mission television drama before the cat stepped on the remote and suddenly switched us to the Syfy channel?

And then I think what may have actually happened next is Jaime threw up from the dizzying effect of the spinning Universal tour tunnel, so they had to abruptly stop here for commercial and carry her to the other side.

Monster, Inc: On the ten cent alien cave tour, Jaime learns that the Purple Netflix bad guy wanted to spin off from the alien tribe and had Sasquatch destroy this original complex and many of their people are dying from the effects of the radiation. They lost their power converter, so Jaime offers to be a utility crew dispatch and bionic cranks some kind of generator for them. (Oh yeah, this girl’s pumped a keg or two in her day.) This good samaritan gesture apparently successfully earns her a take-me-to-your-leader meeting with the alien CEO, Shalon, played by Stefanie Powers.

In Shalon's corporate office, Jaime politely reaches out her hand to introduce herself but the lady interrupts and says she already knows she's "Jaime Sommers, the Bionic Woman, I remember…" because of her invasive alien probe brain scans last year on Steve. 

I SO love Jaime's shocked face here when Shalon informs her that Steve "has very fond thoughts of you."  Oh my. Awkward.  (Um, so like were these thoughts with or without us wearing a wardrobe?)

Shalon is glad Jaime came to help them. But Jaime's like ha no way, I came to get YOUR help, and breaks into little tears while she explains that Steve is dying and she needs their wonder drug to save him.

With orders to deliver it to Steve, Shalon immediately hands  over her last Neotraxin dose to Gill-alien—who is unaware that Shalon is also radiation-sick, and in doing so, may have just sacrificed her own chance of recovery.

Jaime says thanks! Buh bye. But wait, here comes the trade agreement in return for sharing her prescription drugs which boys and girls you should NEVER do. Shalon wants Jaime to help stop the bad alien guys for her. Damn, I knew there was gonna be a catch.

Drill Baby Drill. Using a google style topography map, Shalon explains these coveralled idiots in dissenting colors are messing with a volcanic vent in Mexico to harness their power for a magnetic shield, and if they drill too far it could cause a major California coast geological disaster plus tidal waves thereby resulting in the cancellation of Dancing with the Stars. For the sake of your people and mine, we must stop them! 

Crap lady, don't lay this save the world stuff on Jaime because her conscience won't allow her to say no to matters of widespread human suffering. However, Jaime respectfully asks for ransom assurance.

"You'll take care of Steve, right?"

Okay, then deal.  But just when I thought things were all pleasantville, Shalon adds,

"Steve means as much to me as he does to you, Jaime." 

Okay b*tch this is war. I was gonna try to spare Jaime from finding out you came onto Steve and kissed him like THREE times in those Bigfoot episodes last year, despite your unscrupulous knowledge that he was still sweet on Jaime Sommers. And now you're gonna flaunt this suggestion of an affair right in front of her? Here Jaime, since they rudely never bothered to offer you one, allow me to just toss my drink into this bimbo’s face. 

Beam Me Down, Scotty: Gill-alien clicks her transformer remote and drops Jaime off at the Mexican Volcano. (Which I just realized sounds like a name for a spicy margarita. I should trademark this.) But then Gill-alien zaps her exit to go deliver Steve his medicine before Jaime has a chance to ask her the all-important question, "Well, how do I get home?" (Try clicking your bionic heels later.)

Jaime doesn't get very far in this tropical locale before she's met by Purple dude Netflix and Bigfoot for another showdown. So Jaime's like don't forget this Part 2 is on the non-confrontational bionic series™, and decides to just fake a fall from one little skirmish with Bigfoot and plays unconscious so they will take her hostage directly inside their compound. That was easy.

Meanwhile in Steve's hospital room, Gill-alien arrives and tries to report his vital sign scans to Shalon but is interrupted by Rudy and Oscar, so she has to disappear before she can administer the drug. Times a wastin'!  And now Jaime is locked in a cave jail cell but can't bend the bars to escape because it's made of some kind of extra strength material. Subsequently, a curious Bigfoot approaches to visit her in this alien dungeon.

Jaime attempts to engage Bigfoot in a conversation with grim news about Shalon—because by now she knows this woman is his only weakness in like a King Kong-Fay Wray kind of way. Bigfoot starts to look confused. Then unfortunately they get interrupted and he has to leave to go help Netflix lift something heavy and I love how Jaime hauls off in frustration and just slams the cell door. (Refresh page for animated gif -->) 

Finally, Oscar and Rudy leave Steve's hospital room, enabling Gill-alien to return and finish his Neotraxin treatment at body points determined by Pharmacist Shalon: "14, 27 and 6"  Congratulations Steve, you just won the Daily Pick-3 radiation reversal lotto!

Since it worked like a charm in The Jailing of Jaime, our Bionic Woman decides to physically break through the stone walls of her jail cell while the volcano above begins to erupt out of control. A seismic event that's now being priority-monitored by Dr. Rudy Wells, too—who has transitioned down the hall from Steve's lead physician to head of the U.S. geology and seismic activity department without even having to change his white lab coat. 

Yay Steve finally awakens and he feels great! Gill-alien fills him in on all the "While you were Sleeping" details, and says Jaime needs his help. I love how Steve peeks under his blanket and informs Gill-alien he's gonna need a pair of pants first. Haha O c'mon Steve, you’re about to travel to the tropics. Wardrobe, bring him back those shorts!

Boom kabloom, the volcano continues to erupt. And by now Jaime's black pantsuit is a dusty mess, but she finally finishes kicking out the last of the cave wall and escapes. Steve and Gill-alien beam directly to the Mexican jungle whereupon he immediately gets in yet another fight with Bigfoot.  (Shhh, don't tell him Jaime's video game secret about just playing dead to get to the next level.)

Grrrrrrr. Just as Steve was about to get crushed by a boulder, Jaime grabs the walkie talkie from Netflix in the cave and radios to Bigfoot in a much kinder, softer voice. She tells him nobody's gonna hurt his precious Shalon so he doesn't have to follow these kill orders anymore. As if there was ever any doubt, the future Dr. Sommers manages to instantly transform Bigfoot into a purring kitten, who then reaches down to help Steve get up. Enemies no more.  Yay, the Bionic Woman tamed the beast!

Oops Jaime's now being chased by the entire alien coverall gang and her exit is blocked! She stops in a tunnel to call the Bigfoot radio hotline again. "Steve? Sasquatch? Somebody better come help me, I'm not too popular right now!" 

Just when Jaime gets completely surrounded by bad guys in the big control room, hooray Steve and Bigfoot arrive to save the day. They start tossing aliens against the cave walls, and then the poor Yellow coverall alien guy—who obviously drew the short straw—gets the triple play treatment. Jaime tosses him to Steve who tosses him to Bigfoot who slams him against the wall.  Dude, I am SO sorry you got the cartoon takedown.

The Magenta alien scientist guy warns everybody to abandon ship, but Steve vetoes and wants to see if they can stop the volcano. Jaime, who by now has accepted she's stuck in a Star Trek episode, asks if they happen to have any technology that might cool off the volcano or harden the lava or get us all to the end credits sooner. Steve makes the connection that only time could cool it off, and points to their transformer thingy.  Jaime clarifies, "It can move anything it touches faster through time, right?"  Bingo! Let's speed-cool the lava to stop the eruption by tossing one of these TLC props into the volcano!

Joe vs. the Volcano: Bigfoot climbs the mountain a little higher and hurls the device into the erupting volcano. Jackpot! Angry Bigfoot Score: 1000 points!!  As science-fictionally predicted, the spewing lava slows down and cools. Except that poor Bigfoot—who inappropriately chose to wear a fur coat for this mission—drops to the ground overcome from severe heat exhaustion.

Steve and Jaime rush to his side. But whew, Bigfoot regains robot consciousness, causing Steve and Jaime to smile and share a tender moment of yay we team-saved-the-world relief. Don't you just heart happy endings?

Next the good aliens round up the bad aliens to face the alien courts. They get their full miracle Neotraxin medicine supply back, but sadly, too late to save Shalon, who is clinging to life locked in super-slow time mode in one of those foreshadowing Ripley hyper-sleep space pods. Bigfoot mourns by her pod side while it is explained that Shalon needs more serious medical treatment, so they are waiting for their mothership to return in 100 years. Unless they booked JetBlue because then good luck with that.

Green coverall alien guy graciously invites “Colonel Austin and Miss Sommers” to remain with them because their bionic abilities are "much more of the future than of this age."  (Besides, don't you wanna wear these brightly colored coveralls every day like us, too?) Jaime and Steve sorta look at each other like they're seriously considering it, but then they keep glancing back at Shalon, too. I wonder what their thought bubbles are thinking here?

Jaime: "What... and permanently live with his b*itch who has the hots for my BF?" 

Steve: "Cool, and live with two women who have the hots for me? Sign me up!" 

Thanks for the Memories: Fortunately our bionic power couple politely declines the offer to live in this dark cavern till the end of time and are escorted out the front door—back through the LSD trippy tunnel again. Jaime thanks their hosts for allowing them to keep their memories of this episode. (Um by any chance can your fix her other lost episode memories, too?) Then Steve wants them to be sure to tell Shalon that he won't forget her, either. (Uh Steve? Jaime's standing right there!!! Will you people stop rubbing this ‘affair’ in her face?) 

Jaime turns to Bigfoot and tells him he gets a "big bionic hug"  which results in one final augmentation of pet fur on her wardrobe. Then Bigfoot gives Steve a manly pat on the shoulder. Because you know. Guyz. Steve and Jaime turn and hold hands as they walk out the tunnel and muse about what it might be like “to wake up in a new century.”

Well, why don’t we find the answer for Jaime and Steve right here and now?  ...said the crazy woman typing this blog who grabbed her iPad and punched a button.

Siri, what’s it like to wake up in a new century?

“I’m on it.  Would you like me to search the web?”

Yes.

“That’s what I thought.”

Duh.

Here were Siri’s Top 5 search results for what it’s like to wake up in a new century:

1. Wake (as in funeral ceremony)  Yeah okay let’s hold this for Shalon.

2. What’s it like to Wake Up from a Tea Party Binge?  Ahahah! (See Sarah Palin.)

3. Peak Everything: Waking up to the Century of Declines  Now that’s depressing

4. Waking Life (2001) Animation flick, never mind

5. Seventeen Ways to Wake Up Feeling Fresh in the Morning I’m guessing the first 16 don’t involve Bigfoot encounters.

Final Tally: Mood ring: Your Bionic average Blue. These episodes are fun camp classics, but I think are probably my least fave of the series crossovers. Realistically, there are few examples in film or television where a sequel ever lived up to the original. Bigfoot's first dramatic debut on The Six Million Dollar Man will forever remain more popular with bionic fans. (Just as the shock-and-awe of facing the untrodden Fembots in Kill Oscar always outrank their Fembots in Vegas return.) I went back to watch the original Secret of Bigfoot eps, and indeed, the monster and overall tone was much scarier the first time around. Here, he seemed to be placed on sedatives so he wouldn't cause kids to run screaming from the room this time. 

Alienated: And then you had that whole extra level of HELLO? aliens from another planet here, yet Steve and Jaime didn't seem the slightest bit fazed by this mind-blowing, life-altering revelation. They couldn't even feign a "wow this kinda changes everything we knew about the universe.  AND oh, we kinda just found Bigfoot, too."  Admittedly, I'm not a big science fiction fan. If I'm gonna go "there," I prefer to be taken through the shocking discovery process. The last time I truly enjoyed watching an alien story, they were exploding out of people's chests and Ripley was driving over them in an army tank. These aliens here came dressed for a color-safe Clorox2® laundry commercial and spoke English better than I do. (Or is it ‘better than I’?  See what I mean?)

And finally in the department of romance—after coming off our last Jaime and Steve crossover episode in the amazingly epic Deadly Missiles, apparently my expectations were a bit too high that they might spend a little of this precious network crossover time to advance the Ausommers relationship a little more. Instead, we got un-welcomed Shalon interference and very little character affection that seemed to take their whole relationship semi-backwards. Is it too much to ask that you crazy kids sneak in a little romance in-between all these aliens, monsters and saving the world stuff? Sigh. At least they’ll get this one better while they’re being chased by Fembots later.

FASHION HIGHLIGHTS

For such a sweeping 2-parter, I kinda felt cheated that we only got 3 wardrobe changes for Jaime. On the jog with Steve, Jaime wore some casual dark knit slacks and a long-sleeved, white pullover shirt with some sort of caricature design on the front. (I was unable to get close enough to see what it was.) While eavesdropping, she had on bell-bottomed jeans and a light blue striped blouse with a tan belt at the waist. Then at the end of Part 1 and for all of Part 2, her iconic, quarter length-sleeved, solid black jumpsuit with a zippered front and matching black belt that I positively adore. She also wore a gold neck chain and bracelet, but no enneagram necklace this time.