THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN EPISODE REVIEW 4x06

October 31, 1976

Dear Diary,

Mood Ring: Purple

Tonight was Halloween! And also part 2 of the Fembots on the Six Million Dollar Man. Jaime woke up and told Steve what happened, then the Oscar he rescued was a robot but who cares because then Jaime and Steve KISSED!!  I am SO so glad they are finally back together and I can't wait till they get engaged again. I hope that happens next week because it's still continued!!

July 28, 2013

Dear Bionic Blondes,

Mood Ring: Purple

Being that this was a Six Million Dollar Man episode, most of the story and scenes were all about Steve vs. the Fembots. So whatever. But the upside is Ms. Wagner got to spend most of her crossover scenes lazily lounging in the hospital. Not since the dawn of prostitution has working from bed been this profitable.

While viewing tonight's continuing story about Killing Oscar and Femschmots, be sure to pull out all your leftover snacks from part 1: Cheez Whiz, Cheetos, Cheese-It Crackers and Velveeta spread. <---we're spooning from a jar this time. Also, to pay tribute to Jaime's breezy bionic patient scenes, we'll be co-wearing our favorite pair of jammies and drinking martinis from a bedside water pitcher. Allrighty kids, are you ready to face—or should I say de-face—the Fembots? *cue high pitched fembot hum* *cringe and grab ear* Let's do this!

Class, Let’s Review: We begin with a 3 minute recap of Kill Oscar Part 1 (quite possibly the longest they've ever taken to recapitulate a story thus-far intro)... that is voice-introduced by a seemingly unenthusiastic Lee Majors. Unfathomable that he isn't as excited about the Fembots as we are!  Anyway, I won't bother to repeat it since you can find it all in Part 1 here!

Having just recently captured video stills from the first one (my upfront clarification that I don't obsessively study these episodes frame-by-frame unless forced to take Polaroids), I couldn't help but notice 6 Mil used some unseen Bionic Woman episode clips in this sequence. Most obvious was Rita's bionic stunt jump from Callahan's apartment building—where she appeared to begin to fall sideways in this particular take. I'm guessing this was her pre-landing position before hitting the air bag. Anyway, just a bit of useless trivia for you. You're welcome.

Rudy doesn't know, he reports with gloom. It's what's happening to Jaime now that has him worried. Because"it looks like she's beginning to reject her bionics."  I love how this line suddenly causes Jaime to heave a deep sigh in her sleep, and then turn her head to face the other way on her pillow. Which I’ll interpret as a subtle, passive-aggressive way of saying, "Crap, not this storyline again."

That NSOB: Next order of catch-up business is for Steve to drop over to the OSI building and meet with that cranky NSB chief inspector guy Hanson who wants to fulfill Oscar's pre-recorded kill me wishes. Hanson tells Steve they are close to locating him. And then actually has the gall to declare, "Now, if your Miss Sommers would have left well enough alone, we might have been able to check out the robot story."   Steve's like, huh what robots?

Steve, Steve Steve, I'm SURE what you really meant to say here was, "Hey you d*ckhead, Jaime happened to be doing her job as an OSI agent, and BTW she's not really MY Miss Sommers, she's her own, independent woman with her own television series. However, she does on occasion let me wink at her during our crossovers." Hanson reiterates this is all an NSB matter now and essentially tells Steve to get lost.

So Steve goes back to hospital to ask Rudy about that part he conveniently left out earlier about Jaime mentioning robots. Rudy claims she wasn't making sense.  Really? What part of "Rudy, they're robots" didn't you understand because I thought Jaime delivered that line pretty well at the end of her episode. (Even without a Tonto voice like Steve uses whenever he's in mega-bionic pain.)

Rise And Shine, Sleeping Beauty: Even though Jaime's condition is "borderline," Rudy agrees to bring her out of her coma for Steve so that he can ask her some questions. Rudy comes back with a needle & syringe, lifts Jaime's blanket and gives her a shot in the butt. A-hahaha! While the camera modestly cuts away for the rest of us in order to preserve Jaime's dignity, don't think I didn't notice that Steve *air quotes* forgot to turn his head here. 

Wow, that was fast-acting. Jaime immediately wakes up and rolls over to hear… "Hi there, gorgeous!"  She groggily squees back, "Steve!"  Then while they hold hands, her expression turns serious as she remembers they wanted to kill Oscar and then she answers Steve's questions about the robots and Callahan's apartment. And then she gravely whispers to him, "Steve, they're stronger than bionics."

Rudy now hypothesizes the Fembots must have been causing the high frequency hum in Jaime's hearing earlier. Steve has an idea, and asks Jaime if she'd remember that sound if she heard it again? "Oh yeah," Jaime confirms. So he runs out the door, but not without reminding her she's a "good girl."   Nurse, bring her a doggie biscuit!

Take Note: Because Hanson reportedly had Rudy's OSI lab shut down, they are going to be using a special hospital computer lab set located right down the hall from Jaime's room. Steve enters and immediately starts rigging electronic components for Jaime's ear test, and well I know you're a little preoccupied here Steve, but seriously. If you guys want to know who could possibly be infiltrating the OSI, pay ATTENTION here. Your lab assistant Lynda is zombie-staring at a computer panel with blinking lights while pretending to make notes on a clipboard. Oh look that little blue light blinked again. So she must QUICK WRITE THAT DOWN!

Through the Lynda-bots video eyes, our ornery Dr. Franklin makes his first scene appearance tonight and wants to know what Austin is up to, so he orders Lynda to go offer to help him. OMG look, Dr. Franklin is now wearing a neck scarf, too! This Fembot fashion craze is really catching on. Incidentally, unlike part 1 on The Bionic Woman, Dr. Franklin does not sweat profusely at all in this episode, so apparently Steve's show can afford luxury air conditioning on their sets. And absent without explanation from the story now, is the highly entertaining Sweaty Baron from Part 1. Sniff.

Rudy asks Lynda to go get him the earlier readings on Jaime's ear tests. I love how Lynda jots that down on her clipboard. Because musn't forget my ONE thing I was asked to do! Then she comes back with some files and while Steve is speedily rewiring gadgets, Franklin witnesses another a-ha moment… so there are TWO bionic people!

Rock N Roll: Steve and Rudy finally finish their Popular Mechanics project they call an "FIO" and Steve wheels it back to Jaime's room where she's been patiently waiting for her next scene. Steve powers up his FIO which reminds me of a rock guitar amp. He starts turning dials to higher frequencies and Jaime keeps telling him to crank it up (come on, you sissies!), until they finally stop on "971." That's it! That's the Fembot radio station!

Steve goes back to the computer lab where Lynda-bot is still wandering around with her clipboard and offers to help again, but he declines. So she hovers in the background and just eyeball video records what he's doing anyway. Which was to make phone calls to activate a "JQZ satellite," type on an old 70s computer terminal with an INCREDIBLY ORANGE keyboard and then manage to pinpoint the precise latitude and longitude of Frankiin's evil base, thanks to his radio station signal. Woohoo!  Rudy wants to know if Steve is going to go tell Hanson about this. "Sure," Steve says,"just as soon as I get back."  You rebel, you.

After the commercial Steve lands a helicopter at Dr. Evil's complex. Callahan pokes her head out of her prison window, so Steve bends the bars and rescues her. And then Katy-bot is dispatched to go get Colonel Austin, and does an amazingly fast costume change between scenes from a black uniform jumpsuit into last week’s street threads. I bet Jaime also gravely whispered, "Steve, they can change wardrobe faster than us, too!"

Robot Wars: Katy-bot approaches Steve and swings a pipe at him, but accidentally whacks Callahan during the encounter and knocks her mask off. OOPS. Look out Steve, she's a Fembot, too!

After some pipe sword fighting maneuvers with the Fembots, Steve jumps up to a platform, and Franklin calls out over the loudspeaker for him to surrender. Are you kidding? And lose to a couple-a girls?

A Macguyver Moment: Steve notices Franklin's broadcast radar tower, so he javelin throws his pipe and destroys it with an explosion. Woohoo, Angry Bird score 200 points! (Yes these are usually reserved for Jaime's perfect aim, but she's busy watching afternoon soaps in the hospital now.) The disabled tower suddenly causes the Katy and Callahan Fembots to lose their wireless internet connection and they begin to walk around in circles like wind-up toys.

Steve then breaks into a building and stumbles across Rudy's REAL secretary Lynda in a holding cell. Oops you mean you're a robot in Rudy's lab right now? Spying on this entire plan and within steps of being able to hurt Jaime Sommers again. Nooooo! He sends her out to safety, while he marshals on to find Oscar.

Franklin escapes just as Steve bionic-blocks a steel vault door from closing on him. And then finally locates Oscar in another holding cell. But Oscar mournfully says Callahan met her death by accident when a guard thought she was trying to escape. Sniff. However, they must skip a moment of silence for our dearly departed, so that Oscar and Lynda can race to the helicopter while Steve tries to stop some guards from chasing him by blocking their exit with a stack of 55 gallon steel drums. Because yes, these are always handily nearby in Fembot episodes.

Pulling Your Weight: As their helicopter takes off, it suddenly tips and drastically drops. Woah. Just needs a slight weight adjustment, our seasoned pilot Steve remarks, in order to accommodate the extra passengers. Okee dokee!  From the air, they witness Franklin's complex beginning to explode. Hmm, one of the guard's bullets must've started an electrical fire Steve surmises.

Or. It could be Dr. Franklin standing right over there on the side of the hill pushing his little Wii game remote and blowing it up one building at a time. "Beautiful, isn't it?" Franklin asks Callahan, the real one. Who is not dead after all. YAY! And I love these newly borrowed shades she's wearing while she tells Franklin "You're insane."  Yes he is, and they are now heading for his REAL base where he will soon have the weather control device. Bwa ha ha ha ha!

Smooth Operator: After the commercial, Oscar's first order of business back at the OSI is to call and have their weather control experiment stuff removed from White Sands so it doesn't fall into enemy hands. Meanwhile Steve waits in the hospital for Jaime's bionic surgery, which seems like a lot of repeats of her familiar operating room scenes from the show opening each week. Where they have to put her on a respirator and the nurses pick up little metal surgical instruments with which to poke her. They never do say, but I guess this surgery was necessary to fix Jaime's leg damage from her explosive, 4-story fall. So of course that's why we only saw Rudy operating on her ear, which appeared to be working perfectly just a few scenes ago. Clearly I’m having trouble keeping up!

Hooray, Jaime comes out of surgery fine so Steve goes back to the computer lab and discovers the real Lynda looking at the Lynda-bot. Rudy says this Fembot lost power just like her bot sisters did when Steve demolished their radar tower, so she is perfectly harmless and he's taking her apart to study her and marvel at Franklin’s work.

Guess what, this Fembot weighs 482 pounds, Rudy reveals, because Franklin's parts aren't as advanced as his bionics. Lynda cracks a joke about learning she needs to go on a diet and then says enough of this spooky Fembot twin stuff, I'm going home before they give me any more lines from a Sponge Bob cartoon.

Okay, Fair Warning Here: *twirls hair and smacks gum* I am about to revert to a squeeing teenager and get totally SCHMOOPY about this next scene. If you don't care for what is, in my estimation, THE most romantic scene between Jaime and Steve evah, you might wanna skip these next few paragraphs.

Whereupon… Jaime is still asleep recovering from her surgery, and Oscar is sitting by her bedside keeping vigil and Steve walks in and reaches for Jaime's hand and then *cue romantic piano ballad* Jaime, who is still fast asleep takes his hand and pulls it up to her cheek and sighs. BECAUSE QUITE OBVIOUSLY this means that even though Jaime's conscious mind no longer remembers she was in love with Steve, subconsciously her heart still does, and will reflexively reach out for him in her sleep. Well that's my official interpretation and I'm STICKING with this.

So then Jaime wakes up and realizes this hand she's cuddling is Steve's and smiles and says 'hi', and after they finish gazing into each others eyes for like a whole hour, then she glances over and notices Oscar.  And now she's all happy he's ALIVE and back home safe. So then Jaime goes back to what's REALLY important now which is to kiss Steve's hand for rescuing Oscar—who then gets a phone call and yeah whatever has to leave now to go back to his office. Buh bye completely insignificant person in the room at this moment.

Then Steve tells Jaime since she's now "out of the woods," he's going to go get some sleep. So she kisses his hand again goodnight, and then Steve suddenly bends down and kisses her ON THE LIPS!!  OMG he totally just did that. *rewinds DVD to watch again.* Sigh. *rewinds DVD to watch again* Sigh. Um… where was I? 

When Steve gets to the door to fare thee well his ONE TRUE LOVE, he turns to wink at Jaime. She squint-winks back. Steve leaves. And then Jaime smiles and closes her eyes to fall back to sleep. Sigh.

This scene was SO incredibly schmoopily romantic and I don't even mind that we had to sit through 482 pounds of cheese to finally see it!

Back After These Messages: Seriously, why is it that the most romantic scenes between Steve and Jaime occurred on The Six Million Dollar Man series and not The Bionic Woman? It statistically defies the norm that men prefer action and women like chick flick romance. But wow, what a powerfully poignant scene, demonstrating that sometimes a delicate, completely G-rated, romantic hand touch can portray more passion than two characters practically ripping each others clothes off. 

I never forgot the excitement of this sudden and unexpected SQUEEFUL bombshell of story arc hope that this scene meant the Ausommers were now officially back together again. Hooray, there would be more bionic crossovers! More dates, where their original Welome Home Jaime promise to start over again would actually occur! Because see? They really do still heart each other! This is the Best. Show. Ever.

Oscar tells Steve to go home and get some rest, while Dr. Franklin looks on, and then turns around to reveal the REAL Oscar Goldman is still in his custody, being security guarded by Bangs-Bot.  (Sorry, we haven't been introduced to this new model yet. But I cannot stop laughing at her extremely pronounced brunette bangs.)

We Interrupt This Plot: For a necessary scene in which Steve must now apologize to Jaime for rescuing the wrong Oscar Goldman for her. In a futuristic, more typical spousal errand scenario, it surely went something like this...

Steve rushes back to Rudy's lab and closes the door and gives him the news that he didn't rescue Oscar, he brought back a ROBOT. (Helllp, Jaime's gonna kill me!) While they make plans on how to proceed, the now 600-pound Oscar barges in and interrupts with an emergency assignment for Steve: 

Funny ha ha or Funny odd? (How in the world did Steve and Rudy even keep a straight face when he delivered this line?! ) Steve, now even more convinced Oscar is a robot that is up to something funny, objects and says there's something funny going on here, too. After a bit of polite insubordination banter, Oscar finally throws his arms up in the air (figuratively speaking) and agrees to delay Steve's trip till tomorrow.

Funny, but now Dr. Franklin is highly suspicious that Colonel Austin is onto them, so he has his Oscar-bot call Hanson to tip him off that he has reason to believe Steve Austin is one of Franklin's robots. And naturally the easiest way to tell is to "run a geiger counter over him."  Nooooo!

The next morning Steve is approached by Hanson and a bunch of G-men at gunpoint in the parking garage and is placed under arrest for impersonating an OSI agent. Hanson (who is unaware Steve is bionic) waves a geiger wand across him and OMG the meter they show in this cutaway is frightening.

I'm not a physicist, but don't geiger counters measure radiation? So if that little needle thingy springs to like nearly the top number when it's near bionics, isn't that like practically the nuclear apocalypse? Why aren't people getting radiation burns just standing next to Jaime and Steve? More and more, it's making sense to me why the bride would roll her eyes in Bionic Ever After when Steve suggested they talk about having kids. According to this meter, the bionic woman's womb is like a reactor spill.

Anyway, when the Feds won't give Steve a chance to explain, he bionic-jumps onto a van pulling out of the parking garage, leaps up to the roof outside, and then jumps a wall and bionics outta there.

To Secretary Lynda's Apartment. A lovely Washington brownstone on the outside. But on the inside, OMG, my mood ring suddenly turned 86 different colors all at once just like her decorating scheme. Let's begin with these obviously FREE flea market pictures spanning Lynda's walls. Country blue decorating in the kitchen, brown diamond pattern upholstered chairs, red drapes and a yellow phone that caused me to have to put on my sunglasses to finish watching this scene. Poor poor Lynda. First they gave her that TEAL car, and now this?!  Pretty sure she’s been banned from having a Pinterest page.

Oh yeah, there's a plot going on, too. Steve is there to bravely hide out on this set, and tells Lynda to go to work and pretend she didn't see him, and then he thanks her for trusting him. "Goes with the job," Lynda says, which unfortunately apparently never ends even when she's in the privacy of her own, most unfortunate home.

On the bright yellow phone, Steve tells Rudy he'll meet him in Jaime's room in one hour. In the series outtakes, I wonder if they ever answered this phone "Yell-o?" because that would have cracked me up.

Yay, The Bionic Woman Returns: Finally we’re back in Jaime's hospital room, where Rudy has built some kind of clown mechanical prop toy with 2 eyes and a red nose. He calls this a "high frequency microwave gun." Suddenly a lab-coated intern backs into the room with a wheelchair. Jaime says,"I didn't order that," while the Colonel turns around and replies, "No, but I did!"

Jaime squees again. "Steve!"  BTW she's now wearing some adorable, light blue Jaime's Jammies here with a lace trim. This freaky prop Rudy designed is supposed to break up the Fembot video feed to Franklin. So their plan is to lure the Oscar-bot into Jaime's room, jam his radar and then beat the crap out of him until they can turn his power source off. Or something.

Rudy calls Oscar's OSI office and pretends that Jaime woke up screaming that she has proof he's one of Franklin's robots, and that he had to put her back under sedation. Dr. Franklin, who liked his yesterday's clothes so much he wore them again, observes and says they cannot afford to have the Bionic Woman wake up, and orders his Oscar-bot to go to kill her. Meanwhile, Rudy instructs Steve on where to find the robot's power source at the back of the head.

Pounding Mad: Oscar-bot arrives in Jaime's hospital room and finds her laying in bed with her back turned to him. He sneaks up behind, forms a hand clasp and attempts to sledge hammer/crush her with both arms and PSYCHE!  It's actually Steve in the bed, who rolls out from under the covers just in time. (I love how they pulled this clever switcharoo on us, too)

Steve bionics over the broken bed and tackles Oscar. Then he drives him into the hall. Oscar-bot slams his hands thru the drywall several times trying to punch Steve. Then he tosses Steve over the nurses station counter and bulldozes his entire body thru the counter. Yikes OSCAR DUDE YOU ARE ONE SCARY GUY. (His stomping robot feet sound like Bigfoot, too.) Next Steve tosses a bookcase of toilet paper and paper towels on him, which succeeded in knocking off his face. EEEk! Blinkety blink bleep.

Then Steve pulls Oscar's toupee off, finds the power source and yanks it out, resulting in a huge power-down sound. Poor Franklin's scrambled monitor goes from horizontal lines to snow. Sniff. Yup, robot death. 

Calm Before The Storm: After the commercial we rejoin Jaime in her ward again, where Steve and Rudy are both arguing with her that she has not yet recovered enough to check out of the hospital. Just then Lynda rushes in and says, "Dr. Well's, I think it's come back to life!" Jaime's all like dang I actually have to get out of bed now wait, me too and they all rush out the door.

In the computer lab, the faceless Lynda bot is ALIVE and she's sitting up in her bed and speaking with Franklin's voice to inform them, "You might like to know I've completed plans," and he suggests they look out the window.

I love how Jaime walks a wide berth around the Fembot here to go check. Haha! The drapes are blowing open. Jaime says "Those have to be 50 mile an hour (weather channel stock footage) winds!"

"Very good, my dear," Franklin adds, "would you like to see them increased to a force powerful enough to destroy this building? City? I can do it, you know."

Because now the evil Dr. Franklin has the weather control system!  He sinister laughs while the camera does a close up on Jaime's OMG face, followed by a close up on Steve's OMG face. Because crap, you mean there's a part THREE? We've never done this many episodes in a bionic crossover before.  We’re running out of cheese snacks!

TO BE CONTINUED ON THE BIONIC WOMAN

Final Tally: This remains one of my crossover faves… well-paced and chocked full of some clever plot twists. Plus the MOST awesome romantic scene. The writers sort of abandoned the whole obedient Stepford Wives subplot angle presented in part 1 and made this more about Steve fighting and outsmarting robots, which he apparently had already practiced a few times on his own series—including a similar faux Oscar robot story. So for 6 Mil fans, tonight’s installment was probably like, "this AGAIN?"

But for Bionic Woman fans like myself who had not seen the previous Day of the Robot, Run Steve Run and Return of the Robot Maker, it was a brand new adventure for us.

Stay tuned for next week, as Jaime and Steve team up for more Fembots, submarine missions, and some lousy weather that will give Jaime a seriously bad hair day. As our bionic heroes attempt, once again, to not Kill Oscar.

FASHION HIGHLIGHTS

It was Jaime’s Jammies night on QVC! A light pink, short-sleeved hospital gown in the beginning, then a light blue gown with a lace neck detail.  Followed by another light blue night gown, this time with a v-neck and paired with a light cotton, white robe with a dark blue pattern.

Related: Kill Oscar Part 1, Fembots in Las Vegas