EPISODE REVIEW 1x13

May 19, 1976

Dear Diary,

Mood Ring: Orange

The Bionic Woman had an evil twin on her show tonight. Her name was Lisa Galloway and she talked funny like those people do on Hee Haw and said sugar and y'all a lot. But at the end Jaime proved she was the real bionic woman and that crazy Lisa lady went to prison. Boy, I'm so glad we will never see HER again!

February 24, 2013

Dear Bionic Blondes,

Mood Ring: Caribbean Blue

This is another one of those classic Bionic Woman episodes. Who could forget the colorful character of Lisa Galloway—an over-the-top southern belle that shockingly spawned from the good fairy Jaime and slapped us like a plate of fried okra? It wasn't until my DVDs arrived that I realized I had mixed all these episodes up in my head, and that there was actually more than one Lisa Galloway appearance to look forward to. Yee haw!

The Bionic Hillbillies: I still remember the initial shock and laughter when I first heard Jaime talking like Elly May Clampett. And then lo and behold, years later I wound up living in the south, so now I automatically add extra syllables to every word now, too. Y'all got a problem with that?  Good, then pass the cornbread, cuz tonight we're watchin' Mirror Image, shugahs!

But first, to celebrate our Dixie adventure, I suggest we all adopt Paula Deen's special martini recipe, and substitute one stick of butter for the usual olive. Cheers!

In tonight's opening scene we are entering the "Courtney Medical Clinic" building. It suddenly strikes me that the bad guys in this series always seem to own their own companies and/or medical practices. Realistically, Oscar would be doing the Bionic Woman a great favor by just going through the yellow pages and preemptively arresting all the area CEOs. Then Jaime could finally focus on school and shopping.

Nip And Tuck: We begin with a couple white coated doctors walking down the hall of the clinic. They enter patient room #113 (which coincidentally—or perhaps not— is also the same broadcast number of this episode 1x13). Sitting up in the hospital bed is a mummy-faced woman fully bandaged, with a long cigarette dangling from her mouth.

Excuse me y'all, but we have to pause and take a sudden station break while I howl laughing at this picture, which is just wrong on SO many levels. It’s begging for a Mad Men ad headline like,  "Enjoy our new King Tut Menthol 100s!"

Probable Gauze. The doctor asks his plastic surgery patient if she's feeling better and she silently nods. He tells her the bandages will be coming off soon, but first she has to "practice" some more. This is code for we don't want to reveal you too soon, so let's move on to office supplies!

We cut to a table of black pens—but they're not really pens—they're like spy-level paraphernalia poison dart launchers. The mummy holds the pen up to her chin; she shoots, she scores! Three hits in a row onto a cardboard cutout target of… oh dear, Oscar Goldman.

Now it's time for "the moment of truth" says Dr. Courtney, as he and his assistant doc begin cutting the gauze and removing their patient's bandages. When finished, the mystery woman holds up a hand mirror to reveal her new face and OMG… she's Jaime Sommers!! Or is she? Because the camera zooms in on her mischievous smile. Creeeeepy.

After the opening credits roll, there's an African American man parked in a car outside Jaime's apartment in Ojai with a reel-to-reel tape recorder and a really, really long boom mike. Obviously he's overcompensating in addition to practicing warrantless wiretapping.

Vacation Time! The Bionic Woman (the one without plastic surgery) was approximately 3 minutes late for her show this evening, where we find her at home briskly packing for spring break in the Bahamas. Her father Jim is here today to take her to the airport (yay, haven't seen Daddy-O in a while), but my excitement is short-lived when he begins by passive-aggressively pointing out to his careless daughter that she left her wallet on the front seat of his car.

Ohnohedidhnt! When Jaime doesn't immediately hasten to clean up her apartment after his first subtle hint, Jim proposes, "Of course, I could have Helen come up."  WTF Seriously did he just say that? Shall we interpret this to mean Helen wasn't able to be here today because Jim sent her out to go clean up a few other houses that were bothering him? (Jeeezus, no wonder Helen dates Mr. Lipschitz on the side.) I am now officially kicking Jim out for the rest of this season. Besides, everybody knows the best way to clean your house is to just move. Duh.

After a welcomed eye roll response from Jaime (YAY!) she activates her bionic powers and speed washes all the dishes by hand, sweeps the floor and waters her plants. Clean! Jaime closes up her 2 red suitcases (wow this must mean like a year-long trip for our travel packing genius) and then because Ms. Wagner is full of dialects tonight, she does this funny Bahamian accent, "As day say in da Bahamas, let's get on de way, mon."  Jim decides to be a Calypso hipster, too and joins in with, "we got just enough time, mon!"  Yeah whatev Daddy-O. Just drive our girl to the airport, and fercornsakes please don't stop to sell your daughter into the Merry Maids slave trade before you get there.

My Pharaoh Lady: So this invasive apartment audio recording (thankfully, minus all my commentary expletives) next turns up in Dr. Courtney's office in playback, where he's training his Eliza Doolitle to speak exactly like Jaime. (Love this yellow robe and matching turban she's wearing BTW). The doc tells her she has to lose all of her southern accent and also has to put out her cigarette because Jaime Sommers doesn't smoke.

"Oh brutha," complains the woman who looketh like Jaime. "That gal must be craAAzie. If I was goin' to the Bahamas, last thing awd be worried about is cleanin' mah house!"  (Please stop, because this will make me LIKE you for pointing this out!)

We learn this plastic surgery look-a-like woman has been working on studying her dead ringer for 2 weeks—her voice, mannerisms and life history. Dr. Courtney asks the final Jeopardy question: "Do you think you're ready, Lisa?"  Our fair lady replies,  "Who's Lisa? I'm Jaime Sommers."

Nooooooooo!

Yessss! We are now in beautiful Nassau (but not really—jeez where did they shoot this, Lake Erie?), where Jaime is launching her Spring Break '76 vacation by laying on the beach in a chaise lounge, wearing a fine brown bikini with large, silver ring accents.

UV Rays: I even remembered this scene where Jaime suddenly discovers her right and left arm don't Coppertone-match. "Oh Rudy. Can't you make a bionic skin that tans?"  haha.  C'mon Jaime, just slather on some more of that pure, SPF ZERO  baby oil we all naively used back in the 70s as human research subjects for melanoma.

Final Touches: Meanwhile back at the mirror image headquarters, Lisa Galloway is being outfitted with a silver bracelet that's actually a spy camera. Her assignment is to sneak in to the OSI masquerading as Jaime Sommers and take pictures of top secret files. And then Dr. Courtney also hands her a very special tube of Revlon lipstick, which is designed to moisturize with rich color in addition to transforming into a "gas bomb" in the event of a serious cosmetics emergency.

With her counterfeit OSI badge and her rocket launching dart Bic pens, Lisa Galloway is now fully armed and ready for secretary battle! She thanks her "shugah pies," kisses her Intern/BF named Perkins goodbye, puts out her cigarette and leaves the cotton plantation for the big city.

Incidentally, Lisa is also wearing an orange and teal diagonal-striped dress for the remainder of this episode, which ranks fairly low on my scale of series wardrobe faves, so thankfully I get to blame the bad girl for this fashion fail. It's not Jaime's fault she had to shop at K-mart later to try to match it.

Suh-prise! The fake Jaime drops by the OSI office in D.C. But Oscar wants to know why she's here? She's supposed to be on some tropical island a thousand miles away "lolling on the beach."  Impostor!Jaime says the weather got cloudy and she got bored, so she decided to come spend a couple weeks here to learn "more about the work that I do and what the OSI is all about.."  Honey, wouldn't we all. Start by finding out what "OSI" stands for because this seems to change as often as the weather. 

At first Oscar says no, but then she bats her pretty lil' eyes and he finally loses his common sense and leaves to go get her a special "security building permit."  Which made me laugh because this sounds like he's putting her on a construction crew. While Oscar is gone, Lisa starts snapping pictures of top secret files on his desk with her Kodak Insta-matic bracelet®.

To help explain this risky decision, I now remember that the first time we ever met Jaime, she was dating some guy who was following her around on the tennis circuit. So of course when we learn tonight her cabana boy complimented her famous tennis career and used his easy pick up line about having "watched you play in at least 15 world-class tennis matches."  Sure okay, Jaime's in!  What time do we sail?

Spring Break 1976: The ship's assistant cabana bartender boy fixes them a couple drinks but stirs something into Jaime's glass before he serves them.  Jaime and her host raise a toast, she reprises my favorite celebratory party gurl line again with, "Chin Chin," and takes a big sip.

But then 2 seconds later Jaime starts to look seasick, loses consciousness and slumps into her chair.

A-hahaha! How often do we get to see the Bionic Woman pass out after boozing on Spring Break? This is a photoshop moment screaming to be preserved. Now all this postcard needs is a postage stamp back to her students in Ojai! --->

(And then in another 50+ years we can recycle it to commemorate our Bionic Grandma’s visit to the convalescent home.)

The two cabana boys pick up Jaime's lifeless body, put her in a large crate marked "FRAGILE"  (but you always have to use the French pronunciation "fraj-gee-lay" like they do in A Christmas Story) and then they tie the crate to an anchor and dump it overboard, giving Jaime a cold, live burial at sea. Shiver-me-timbers!!

Nooooooo! So during a moment when our concern for Jaime's life is all that matters in this godforsaken world, HEY I KNOW LETS CUT TO THE EFFIN "PUMP ROOM" lounge back in D.C., where Lisa Galloway (who is clearly much better at holding her liquor) is enjoying happy hour at the bar after a hard days work operating her Bracelet Cam. Dr. Courtney joins her and she hands over her first batch of film containing top secret information from something called the "Howlitt Report." She thinks this might be "impoa-tant."  Then she wants to know how things are going in Nassau? The Doc tells her "it should be all over right now."

Finding Nemo: Over my a**!  As Jaime's discount pine crate casket is sinking to the bottom of the ocean, seconds later she regains consciousness and bionic-kicks the top of the crate to blow it wide open, earning 1000 Angry Mermaid Points. Woo hoo! Jaime swims up to the water's surface to find the yacht sailing off, and I'm pretty sure they cut the scene where she flipped them a bird, right before she bionic-swims back to shore. And brrr, this water looks seriously cold and the skies were indeed dreadfully gray. Vacation. Over.

in the following scene, Lisa's back from happy hour already, and Oscar finds her in his office again, this time with her feet propped up on his desk perusing more of his top secret files. Despite her unladylike reclining position and territory grab, he's amused  (dude, can you not smell the liquor on her breath?) and asks her to get out of his chair and fetch him some coffee. Lisa charges him with being a "Chauvinist."  Hahaha I'm temped to give Lisa points for actually saying what I wish Jaime had labeled Daddy-O earlier, but SINCE LISA'S THE SOUTHERN AXIS OF EVIL, she's not eligible for bonus points. Sorry, shugah! 

Doubling Down: Just then secretary Betty buzzes Oscar's office to inform him she has a woman on the line who claims she's Jaime Sommers. Sorry, says Oscar, there must be some mistake because she's standing right here, so he tells her to hang up. But Mr. Goldman, Betty petitions, "she says it's an emergency."  Oscar finally decides to take the call, especially since Betty said the caller ID was from Nassau. Lisa, who is standing over by the coffee pot, begins to get nervous and secretly grabs one of her dart pens.

The instant Oscar recognizes another Jaime voice on the phone, he presses a little "Bank Robbery" panic button under his desk. Suddenly Lisa spins around and shoots a poison dart at Oscar, but unlike her cardboard cutouts, the real Oscar Goldman has the uncanny ability to MOVE and he ducks just in time. The dart pierces the back of his leather chair instead. And then 2 security guys arrive to interrupt the bank robbery in progress and they immediately apprehend Lisa. Busted!

Critical Mask: Oscar has this awesomely angry face when he walks over to Lisa, and then he motions a strange, back hand swipe across-her-face—where for a second I thought he was actually going to slap her. But then I realized this must be a special OSI manbot/ fembot face removal procedure. Kids, don't try this at home!

When a mask doesn't come off, Oscar demands to know "who ARE you?!"  Lisa refuses to even look him in the eye. Chills. This was actually a pretty intense scene considering we never see this level of "hate" between Oscar and Jaime, so it almost feels unsettling. Stop it YOU guys!! You're disturbing the balance of the universe!

Time To Polish Your Mirrors: Jaime gets back to Washington the following day, and in the OSI headquarters lobby, asks Oscar if he would please explain to her what is going on. Just then Agent Russ steps outside Oscar's office and reports she is still "tight as a clam." 

"Who? "Jaime wants to know. But rather than extend the Bionic Woman the courtesy of gently explaining her misfortunate identity theft, they decide to see if they can launch her into severe psychogenic shock instead. They swing open the door to Oscar's office, where Lisa Galloway spins around in her chair for a face off.

"Oh my god! " Jaime freaks.

Lisa responds with a pleasant, southern hospitality SATANIC SMILE WHILE JAIME'S ALL LIKE FOR GOD SAKES JUST HANG THIS EVIL WOMAN UPSIDE DOWN LIKE A BAT CRAP CRAP CRAP THIS LADY LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE ME WTF IS GOING ON AND OMG MY EYES JUST LOOK AWAY MUST LOOK AWAY NOW!!!!

And that was just Jaime's reaction to her dress.

Okay well glad we got that awkward introduction out of the way! Jaime and Oscar go back out to the lobby to discuss why the Bionic Woman suddenly got cast alongside her identical cousin and dragged into the Patty Duke Show.

Identity Crisis: Oscar says they don't know anything about this woman except she had plastic surgery recently. "And she had you down cold."  With her Bracelet Cam he knows she stole top secret information and they need to get that film back ASAP before it gets into enemy hands.

Jaime has an idea. If this woman could fool you guys, maybe I can fool her guys. Oscar asks if Jaime can match her clothes. Because why bother just taking the dress off Lisa for Jaime to wear, when we can easily order a duplicate from wardrobe to contribute to the confusion later! Jaime skips over this glaring plot device in order to discuss something far more lucrative: licensing royalties.

"As far as i know I've got the patent on this face. Now if somebody's cranking them out in quantity, I think it's up to me to do something about it."

Okay she’s in. But alas, the only forensic clue Oscar was able to find on this woman was a matchbook to something called the Pump Room lounge. Perfect, we get to drink on this mission, too!

So the Bionic Woman Walks Into A Bar: Jaime arrives in the joint wearing an exact duplicate of Lisa's dress and is immediately recognized by the bartender. But he fails Jaime's test to remember what she drank "last time" so over the course of her stakeout, she orders and drinks FIVE Club Sodas. Kids, I think we've just found the secret to Jaime's effervescent personality. And with this near-toxic level of carbonation, not a single belch during any of her lines, either! OMG, this woman is amazing.

Then she gets another bar visitor, but this time it's the assistant doctor guy, who wants to know if she has the film. Jaime realizes she's finally made contact. She says she doesn't have anything for him this time; just wants to talk. How about to that guy you just mentioned who doesn't like meetings; in person please. He says, "For your sake it better be good, LISA." At last, she has a first name. Detective work is fun!

Film At Eleven: So he goes over to the pay phone to call the big boss Dr. Courtney—who requests he put “Lisa” on the line to speak direct. Courtney congratulates her on the last round of photographs, while he's OMG looking at them on his doctor's office X-Ray monitor. LOLZ, hey let's process the tiny film negatives and go through the additional step of creating enlarged film positives for X-ray viewing. It's worth it because now we get to bill Medicare for this!

Jaime baits him with some new information "but it's not on film, it's in my head—so if you want it you're gonna have to see me."  Courtney responds with, (and finally revealing that her baloney has a second name) "You know if i didn't know you were Lisa Galloway, I'd swear I were talking to Jaime Sommers."

Meanwhile back at Guantanamo OSI, Oscar is practically water boarding Lisa trying to get her to talk. He even promises her a "lighter sentence," an option I will support literally by not adding any more words to this paragraph.

As Jaime's being dropped off outside the clinic, the assistant Doc tells her she can dump that Sommers accent now and start talking like herself again. Accent? Oops, just what does Lisa Galloway SOUND like? Jaime only knows Jamaican, mon.

In frustration with Jaime's resistance, her BF wants to know "where's my little Georgia peach?" A-ha! So this Lisa Galloway must speak southern... and Jaime instantly changes linguistics gear and delivers a test run with, "Well ah just don't feel like it right now."  Oh good, he buys it.

Lip Service: Oscar gives up trying to torture a confession out of Lisa, who's been crying her eyes out and now has these embarrassing mascara streaks down her face. Just as Oscar is about to leave, she breaks her silence—and with a quivering voice, tells her captors:

OMG I cannot stop laughing at this line. Lisa hun, put down your Gone with the Wind script. We haven't talked like this in the South since Sherman marched through Atlanta.

Amazingly, the OSI agents fall for this expression, so Lisa asks if they would mind if she put on some lipstick before they haul her off to Yankee prison. Russ obediently rummages through her purse and hands Lisa her tube of lipstick. She smiles mischievously. O fercornsakes fellas—this Vampira’s blotchy mascara is what's making her look a-fright here. Don't you think it's just a tad bit suspicious that she wants to touch up her LIPS?

Annnd We're Back: To Jaime posing undercover as Lisa making out with Lisa's BF. She asks her "honey lamb" haha if he knows where Courtney took the stolen Howlitt Report. He says it's in the basement vault and BTW you're not kissing him back enough, and he whines that he's starting to feel unloved. (Dude, Jaime never accrued this much on-screen lip action the entire time she was dating/semi-dating/engaged/ and even marrying Steve in bionic crossovers spanning three seasons plus reunion movies, so quit yer complainin’.) Suddenly Jaime spins him around, pins him against the wall and bionics a water valve behind his back, causing the pipe to burst. "Oh look at that. You gettin' awl way-ette!"   Hooray Jaime! 50 points for abruptly ending this conjugal visit.

Just then Dr. Courtney rushes in and wants to know "what in thunder is going on?" He orders Cardboard Goldman and the dart pens be taken down to the basement and tells "Lisa" to come with him. Congruently at the OSI, the real Lisa activates her lipstick smoke bomb on the floor, causing all the agents guarding her to pass out while she easily escapes in a brighter lip shade.

Why thank yew kindly, sir: Jaime and Dr. Courtney have a seat in his office, where he offers her another cigarette. (Woah Jaime’s dragging on this next Camel like a pro— she's gonna have to go on the patch when this mission is over.) After some more small talk they get down to business, and Jaime tricks the Doc into telling her where the company vault is located.

But Jaime is stalling on giving him the new information she promised… because, and "You ain't just whistlin' Dixie, honey"  she pretends she’s holding out for more money first. He invites her to go get the cash herself out of the wall safe hidden behind his Norman Rockwell picture of half-naked boys (we won’t go there), where supposedly Lisa already knows the combination by heart. Fortunately the Bionic Woman happens to have an ear for this kind of thing. Get it? *puff*

Cab Galloway: Lisa hails a taxi outside the OSI and commands, "Hurry drahver!" Oh no, she's on her way back to the clinic where Jaime is! And Oscar will be right behind her later with his army of OSI men after he picks up a few clues on her intended destination.

In the parallel universe, Dr. Courtney gets paged to “intensive care” (obviously it’s his #1 facelift patient Joan Rivers) and instructs Jaime to postpone making a cash withdrawal from his safe and to wait here in his office till he gets back. Outside the door she overhears him order his secretary to cut her phone line because he thinks Lisa's been behaving strangely. Bless her heart, she can't contact Oscar now.

Sheees Baaaaack! Here comes Lisa Galloway, strutting down the hallway of the Courtney Clinic. (And I love this little hip swagger attitude Ms. Wagner adds to her character portrayal here.) Her BF steps off the elevator and Lisa immediately throws her arms around him and starts kissing him. But he's confused because hey... wasn’t she just in Dr. Courtney's office?

"Oh sweet Geo-ja, she's here."   Yes, halleluja. Jaymeee Summuhs is here!

Back After These Messages: You've already seen this, so to spare us all from blog exhaustion, I'm not going to bother to detail the remaining character encounters, near misses and confusion that ensue as we watch the case of identical twins in matching K-Mart dresses ride up and down elevators in the same building. Except to offer my hats-off to writer James D. Parriott for his ability to knit this complicated farce together so that it all leads up to a crescendo in the final act. I am in awe of writers who can cleverly map out these story threads like chess games. (There were some brilliant farces played out on the TV series Frasier that some consider the gold standard in comedy.) So bravo for pulling this off, and at a pace that kept viewers anxious till the end.

Fully Loaded: Cabana Boy eventually locates Jaime in the basement laundry room, where she's been searching for the vault to retrieve the stolen files. He fires his gun at her, but Jaime manages to dive into a load of whites and dodges the bullet just in time!

Jaime then grabs a big bag of dirty laundry and launches it back at Cabana Cowboy while he continues to shoot, and she proceeds to perfectly nail her target 3 times in a row, complete with missile sounds. (Okay who tipped her off on my point system because now it just looks like she's running up the scoreboard.)

After we cut back from watching Oscar and his men arrive at the clinic and apprehending Dr. Courtney—for good measure—Jaime launches laundry bags #4 and 5 at the bad guy, which must have contained week-old sweat socks, because these finally succeeded in knocking him unconscious. Angry Tide score: 500 points. Yay!

Just as Jaime locates the hidden vault behind a wall shelf, Lisa sneaks onto the set behind her, finds the pens sitting on a table and grabs 3 of them to dart Jaime, proclaiming. "Ah believe it's time for you and me to have it out, shugah pie. There's only gonna be wonn Jaymee Summahs, now!" 

The Wicked Witch of the South shoots the first dart at Jaime but misses. NO ANGRY BIRDS SCORE FOR YOU, HONEY LAMB HAHA) Her second attempt is deflected by Jaime's bionic arm. 3rd dart, same arm again. Neeners! And now Oscar arrives, which means it's time to start pointing fingers.

"Oscar, there's Lisa. / Oscar, it's me. /  For heavens sake, Oscar can't you see it's me?" Poor confused Oscar and Russ look like bobble heads watching a tennis match while the two women volley their perfect Jaime impressions back and forth. Enough! Will the real Bionic Woman please JUMP UP and take control of her series?!

Hey Y’all—It’s Parent Trap! Jaime finally bionic high jumps to a ceiling pipe and hangs there. "Satisfied?" she asks Oscar. Lisa Galloway of course had no idea her nemesis had superhuman strength, which really fries her green tomatoes.

Jaime pulls the ineffective darts out of her bionic arm while Lisa proclaims, "Yew should be dead!  Well ah guess that's it, shugah, I got yo looks, but ah show don't have yo moves!"

Yay we have finally cracked the case of the mirror!

In the final scene, we are walking down the hall at OSI headquarters, where Jaime wants to know what's gonna happen to Lisa? Oscar says she's going to prison, but unfortunately still looking exactly like Jaime Sommers because it will take a year for the scar tissue to heal before they can schedule reverse plastic surgery. Oh goody, just enough time to parole her and compete for an Emmy!

When they reach Oscar's office he finds his cardboard cutout sitting at his desk, having become the latest victim of Jaime’s practical jokes. She rushes over to his desk to address his cardboard twin. "Yes Oscar? Oh my, you look so pale. What you need is a trip to the Bahamas!"  as she sweeps Oscar up and carries him out the door. (The cardboard one, not the real one and yes on this series, one does need to specify.)

Don't you just love happy endings, honey lambs?

My mood ring is positively Bonnie Blue and I cannot wait until our conniving Georgia peach returns next season in Middle Finger, I mean Deadly Ringer.

Y’all come back now, y’hear?

FASHION HIGHLIGHTS

Wow, 8 different wardrobe ensembles in this episode. While packing, Jaime wore a pair of white jeans with some kind of pocket detail that I couldn't identify (almost looked like cartoons?) plus a black top with coordinating white collar and sleeves. After her hospital gown, Lisa wore a yellow robe-ish velour dress with matching turbin (always love seeing her in yellow). At the beach Jaime had a brown bikini with silver ring accents, and a nice white cotton striped pullover dress with ribbon streamers and matching straw sun hat. How Mardi Gras!

As noted earlier, her orange and teal 2-piece “chevron” pattern zig-zag striped dress is not one of my faves. While elements of most of the Bionic Woman's other wardrobe pieces have graced designer runways again in the recent 70s fashion revivals, not many of these dresses seem to have returned. However I like her solid blue dress at the end, which incidentally Jaime also wore for a scene in Welcome Home Jaime Pt. 2.

My favorite was her nautical outfit on the yacht. White bell bottoms and a navy blue tunic with embroidery stitching around the collar and hems.  And lastly, the long blue-striped sweater she wore when she returned from the Bahamas looked strikingly familiar to me so I did some digging. Turns out Jaime will wear this very same sweater again 2 years later in Sanctuary Earth.

This episode also featured Jaime’s childhood enneagram necklace again, which Lisa duplicated for her impersonation.